Satin Sally

Vacation

2010-12-12T17:26:00.002-05:00

One of the really awesome things about my job is that I get great vacation time. In fact, I get so much great vacation time that I can't seem to use it all. I'm losing a bunch of vacation hours when 2011 comes round. That's alright though. I have attempted to squeeze some things in here. Like Panama!

I went to Panama for the week of Thanksgiving with some wonderful friends. I have no complaints about this trip! It was a true vacation. We sat by the pool and read, then for a change of scenery we walked down the jungle lane to our own beach, then when we got tired of the salt water we walked back up to our pool. We read and read and read--I finished the Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, some smutty beach read that I don't remember the title of, and then the Help. Really great reads! Then we ate, nothing too remarkable but good food.

We did encounter a rainy day that limited our beach sitting, so ventured into El Valle which was an amazing day! We found mud baths, sat in natural hot springs, zip lined through rain forests, over waterfalls...hmm. It was so beautiful!

Here's where vacation is accomplished--I didn't think about work, people, the cold air of Boston, or anything! I forgot it was the end of November, not summer everywhere, I let the sun bake me, I lathered sun screen like it was my job for the week, and all good things!!! It was also just long enough that the last day I did feel like I had my fill and was ready to get back to life. Three weeks later I'm ready to go back to Panama where it's warm. I've decided one of the best sensations is the warm sun massaging your bare shoulders.

Refresh/Redo

2010-03-01T22:20:00.002-05:00

I used to work at an adolescent mental health treatment center. I worked in an area designated the CSU...crisis stabilization unit. (I think) This was an area where individuals would go when they broke too many rules, became a danger to themselves or others, or annoyed their unit staff enough that they'd have to leave the "clinical milieu" for some quiet time. Depending on the reason for the person coming to CSU, there would be a plan assigned for each client that would allow them a path back to their regular unit. Often these involved writing assignments. I had to look at many writing assignments. Often some of these teens would be in such a bad mood they would refuse to do the work, or do it in some snarky sarcastic way. I had the distinct privilege of reading and correcting these assignments. When someone didn't do it sincerely or put any thought into it, the rule was to draw a line through the whole thing and write REDO and then give it back. Seems rather stupid now that I'm more educated in this field, but at the time, that was one part of my job.

Lately this has come to my mind quite a bit. There are things that I do that sometimes I mentally grade myself, slash it out and wish I could REDO. Unfortunately there is often no way to redo. Then there are other things that I wish I could REFRESH. Refresh is different than redo. Let me give you some examples:

REDO: conversations with clients, conversations with friends, conversations on dates, (apparently talking is a problem for me), eating rituals during the day, rolling through stop signs in front of cops, snoozing my alarm 5 times too many, sending that text message or midnight email, Sundays.

REFRESH: my closet, the air in my apartment (this weekend anyway), career, budget (start from the beginning), dating options.

I'd love to redo a few things and I'd like a few things refreshed-almost reloaded-with new options and possibilities. So I guess the questions is how to refresh or redo some of these things when I have to live with the way they are now. But wouldn't a giant refresh button be awesome?!! That reminds me of those Staples commercials with the easy button.

But to answer my own question, I think there are always ways we renew our options whether it be in dating or job possibilities or finances. I just often make excuses and get lazy so things stay the same. It takes work, creativity and an adventure to refresh some things. As far as the redo--I guess I could just say really loudly, "REDO" and start over again.

coin purse

2009-05-17T18:49:00.003-04:00

I must have been in 1st grade, although I'm not sure. It's the time when you start learning about money. Ditto's for homework with pictures of coins and dollars, my job was to add them up. I have a fuzzy memory of the first time I tried to purchase something. They made a big deal about a school store in my elementary school. This was different from the regular school store. This was a store that the 5th graders would be running for a week that the other grades would be able to visit. It was right before mother's day and it was marketed as a place to possibly find your beloved mother a gift.

I was excited! I negotiated with my own mother how much money I could possibly have so that I could buy her something. I think she gave me a dollar--like I said the memory is fuzzy. I remember a dollar because she made me put it in my coin purse. I get a little grin on my face when I think of my mom talking about a coin purse (and pencil cases, but that's another story for another day). My coin purse was little, pink and had a small zipper to keep the contents safe. I put my little coin purse in my empty purse and went to school. I'd seen my older sister take a purse to school. Finally I had my purse with my coin purse with a dollar for the store!

Our whole class had a scheduled time to visit the store. We went after lunch and had probably 10 minutes to "shop around." I was nervous, clutching my purse. I looked closely at the prices considering what I could afford. There was a mug that I wanted to get for my mother. It was too much money. At a small table I found some containers holding pens, erasers, pencils and other small items. Then I saw it. A glorious, tall, red, glittery/sparkly pen! It swooped around in loops at the top! The pen was less than the dollar I had. I looked at the 5th grade girl across the table and told her I'd like to get the pen. She told me it would be ___ what maybe 90 cents? I took out my coin purse. I remember looking at my dollar, hand shaking a little and saying out loud, "so, I give you this?" The 5th grader snatched up my dollar, gave me my dime and I was done. What a rush!!

I just purchased a car. My first--I want a new car--purchase! I negotiated the financing and everything. I had the same nervous energy of that day in first grade. Is this really going to work? So, I just give you this? Really?

mothers day

2009-05-10T16:07:00.003-04:00

Every Mother's Day our family would go to church (because it was Sunday, not because it was Mother's Day) but on Mother's Day I was excited because sometimes my dad would have a corsage for my mother. It would probably be an orchid. The fun little game I'd play would be judging the competition of corsages. Who had them, what did they look like, color, number of flowers, how big it was resting on the woman's chest, important details. There was one woman who was usually the winner. She was Hawaiian and would have huge, beautiful flowers. I doubted there was an actual competition or that anyone else cared, but in my small childish head I considered it. I was concerned that some women didn't get flowers from their families. Were they sad? Somehow I thought that maybe the flower symbolized the woman herself. I wanted my mom's corsage to be beautiful. Today I caught myself wondering about that. It's been so long since I went to church with my mom on Mother's Day. Corsages seem to be dated in my mind, but I secretly hope there are still some people who find themselves sporting massive corsages, one orchid per child birthed, weighing heavily on a mother's chest, partially blocking her vision, and giving her child something to stare at (or destroy-depending on age).

Mother's Day 1990. I was 11 years old. At the age of 12 a child moves out of primary and begins going to youth Sunday School classes. I was a few months away from this awaited day when I would no longer be one of the children. This tough age of trying hard not to be a little kid, seeing the girls a little bit older then me and wanting desperately to fit in with them left me quite conflicted. That Sunday the primary was scheduled to sing for their mothers in sacrament meeting. I did not want to do it. I think I was so tired of being a kid. I wanted to be older or cooler or something. I told my mom I didn't want to go up to sing. Of course this didn't go over well. I don't remember what took place but I do remember finally going up to the front to face the congregation. I couldn't sing. I also couldn't stop crying. I just stood up there and sobbed, taller then everyone, standing on the back row, I couldn't look at my mother.

I wish I could sing a cheesy song to my mom today. My favorite was:

I often go walking in meadows of clover,
and I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.
I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over,
Dear Mother, all flowers remind me of you.

Oh Mother, I give you my love with each flower
to give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;
for if I love blossoms and meadows and walking,
I learn how to love them, dear Mother, from you.

Mom, I'm sorry I didn't sing to you that day.

i wish i could do it more often

2009-03-06T18:10:00.002-05:00

Today I wanted to tell a stranger that he smelled really good. I was walking into my building and he was walking on the sidewalk in front of me. I thought it, and I wondered about how often I have thoughts like that and what a different world it would be if I could just say, "Hey, you smell really good! It's nice!" and then skip along my merry way. Don't wait for a response or conversation, just smile and bolt. Let it sizzle.

Had the walk been 30 seconds longer I totally would have. I've done it before. It's just been a while.

A pleasant exchange

2009-03-04T17:34:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure what it's like in other cities around the country, but here in Cambridge we have homeless/beggars/pan-handlers/whatever you want to call them, walking around busy intersections of traffic. Many hold signs telling of their woes and circumstances, carry empty Dunkin Donuts cups for their collections, wear heavy coats when it's warm, and trash bags when it's raining. I don't often give them money, I feel like I contribute to their care in other ways, but sometimes I may have some spare change to toss out the window. Often they look sad, unkempt, grumpy and worn.

Today I approached one of these intersections anticipating seeing my window friends. To my delight, one of my friends had a new sign:

If you don't have any change, Just smile.

He walked from car to car, holding the sign up to the windows, waving it back and forth with more energy and vigor than usual, doing a little dance and beaming at the cold hearted, icy Bostonian who couldn't help but smile. It was such a great thing to see. For a second I felt like I was at a Red Sox game. Feeling united somehow with strangers. I smiled at my intersection beggar friend and watched him in my rear view mirror going to the cars behind me. I'm confident he will make more money today.

Mr/Ms

2009-03-03T18:33:00.005-05:00

Several people know sad tales of my childhood educational experiences. Today I was thinking about a few teachers/professors/instructors who challenged my experience that all teachers were just horrible and awful. I could seriously tell you stories, but that's not the purpose of this today. It is, instead, to again compliment the unsuspecting.

Mr Simmers was in high school. Sophomore year. Yes you kicked me out of your classroom once or twice, got after me for talking over you, and the like. You were the first teacher I can remember who helped me with my writing. Yours was the first class I ever read something I was assigned to read, A Separate Peace (and yes I cried at the end). You were the first teacher I remember actually talking to me about my work and my experience in your class. You took me on my first fishing trip. You let me skip my foods class and watch the OJ verdict in your classroom my senior year. You weren't my friend, and for that I am grateful. You were my teacher, one of the best I ever had. You were available but also never overly accessible so as to take away my own sense of responsibility for myself and my grades. You didn't provide me a handicap, but let me deal with the consequences of my choices. Thank you.

Mr Somebody was a professor I had my sophomore year in college. It's funny I can't remember you or the name of your class. The reason I include you is because it was in your class that I realized I was smart. Like really smart! Not overly smart or anything, but that I was intelligent and capable!! We read some of the Bahavagad Gita and portions of the Koran and other deeply thought provoking writings that I don't recall. I do recall loving it, thinking about it, having something to say about it, and writing it down. I also remember doing well! There was something about the way you approached that class that motivated me. I wanted to read; I wanted to impress you. I wanted to continue when the class was over. Thank you.

Ms Tohn -- an instructor in grad school. You are a little nutty but in the best possible way. I was always impressed by your passion and compassion for the work you did and the people you worked with. I loved your approach and how it liberated people, often breaking away from traditional therapy which can, at times, actually keep people stuck. I didn't always agree with everything you said, nor were you one I wanted to vocalize my disagreements with in class, but I found that we could always discuss and share ideas when I spoke with you. You were always very respectful of all people, accepting of different ideas and approaches (although some would disagree with me). You helped me finish out grad school, jumping through the necessary hoops and considering so many more options about what I could really do with this degree. Thank you!

It may seem sarcastic, but it's not 2/27

2009-02-27T19:02:00.004-05:00

Dear Parking Ticket Fairy,

I have lived in Boston for nearly 4 years now. I have never encountered a profession in which I have been as impressed with the personnel in terms of their dedication, availability,endurance, and vision. More than once I have thought I could outsmart you, get away with disregarding parking rules and regulations. Although I have gotten by at times without incident, more often than not, you have been there to help me understand the importance of orderly parking and public safety. When I have parked in a parking space limited to 2 hours, and I don't get back until it's been 2 hours and 10 minutes, I am AMAZED that my ticket is stamped at 2 minutes past the allotted time. You're dedication is to be admired. When it's snowing, white-out conditions, the parking spaces are filled with plowed snow, it makes no difference to you. You will make sure every loading zone is clear and parking meter valid. Rain or shine, I see you nearby, lurking, waiting for the second my meter runs out. It is impressive.

Today I left my car for three minutes in a loading zone and I saw you leaving the $55 dollar ticket on my windshield. Thank you. Thank you for keeping me on my toes, for keeping me from thinking I can get away with a loading zone pause.

If only your dedication and loyalty to your responsibilities could be mirrored in other professions. Cable people, phone companies, cashiers, professors, employers even--They could all learn from your vision of a better world, with rules and regulations, where no one gets away with ANYTHING.

Thank you.

and lent begins 2/26

2009-02-27T18:48:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I desperately wanted to compliment this person aloud but there was no way I could. I have a client. Clearly I cannot disclose any specifics or share any detailed stories (although you know I want to). My first compliment to those in need of my stimulus offering of compliments to a negative, angry world goes to the intensive manipulators.

Many overlook the artful craft that is skillful manipulation. To know how to whine and complain enough, to blame and avoid responsibility just the right way, to invoke others towards feelings of guilt or desperation to help you, to create an atmosphere where one may desire to give you money or a listening ear (which leads to your getting something), to make them think it's their idea and you somehow deserve the offering, or that in anyway the offering will somehow relieve some degree of your pain...

it's masterful really. I get to work with some of the best.

the lent plan

2009-02-25T20:39:00.002-05:00

Last year I had a great time writing confessions everyday on my blog for Lent. I like Lent. I'm not a Catholic but I really do like the idea of giving something up or doing something differently. I realize that my lame offering for Lent last year may be seen to others as mockery perhaps but I assure you it is not. My confessions last year really helped me to reflect and be grateful for so many blessings in my life. I take a lot for granted and I'm already excited for my new plan this year. Although there is some silliness to my plan, there actually is some sincerity and interest in making self-improvement.

I was talking with some co-workers the other day about what to do for Lent. One of my co-workers brought up a very good point. For Lent she tries, instead of giving something up, giving back. She seeks out shelters and other programs that she can volunteer a few hours each week. We talked about how this is another way to be reflective on all the capabilities and resources we have and offer it to someone else. Another factor leading to my decision this year was a talk we had in church last Sunday. An institute missionary couple was speaking to us and the Sister was talking about kindness. It was an enjoyable talk and one I've thought about since. One thing she offered was that a compliment withheld is a criticism. Interesting, I thought.

For Lent this year I would like to offer a compliment a day. There are many times, I'm sure, when I am complimentary to others, but this will be something that I plan to put energy into. It's an opportunity to open my eyes, view this interesting world around me and find honest sincere ways to compliment (perhaps when it seems un-compliment-able?) I couldn't help but think about this like my own version of a stimulus package. Some people have gone a long time without compliments, sometimes because they don't deserve them. I will fix this. I am going to saturate my immediate world with kindness and compliments to the undeserving, the ungrateful, and the unsuspecting.

I will also seek out an hour a week to dedicate in some kind of service capacity of which I am not already involved.

new tunes

2009-02-21T22:50:00.003-05:00

I recently went back and enjoyed some old posts. I loved Lent last year. That was really hard for me but so much fun!! I think I'll go back to confessions...

I love my roommate. We're an interesting pair because we have a lot of things in common and at the same time a lot of things NOT in common. I think we balance each other pretty well. Nat appreciates music much like I do but our tastes are quite different. Since living with Nat (actually, since knowing Nat) I've gradually added to my music collection. It all started with her making me a Fall Back 2007 mix cd with "popular" songs. She couldn't believe I hadn't heard that Umbrella song. Since then I've found space in my life for some fun music I wasn't too interested in before I met her.

My confession:

My recent additions to my music library include:

Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, and T.I. featuring J.T. (that one song, and no I don't know who or what T.I. is) AND I really like it.

I've also added DCFC latest Narrow Stairs (it's ok) and an old love of mine The Cure's Show (one of the best)

TaDa

2009-01-25T17:24:00.003-05:00

Last October my laptop broke. I had an old Toshiba. One day the screen went dark and it was never brought back to life. It was a sad sad day. I remember my roommates family was in town and staying at our house. I walked into the living room and announced the passing of my dear sweet friend. I wasn't angry or frustrated or in despair at all. But I did note a sense of loss, a deep loss. Yet there was calm. One that reminded me of all the wonderful things we had been through together.

I was alright for a while without my laptop. At work I had a computer so I could sit in front of the Internet all I wanted. My ipod was still able to keep me listening to all of my music (although I was definitely concerned about all of my music being lost if that broke). My blackberry kept me updated on any emails I wanted to ignore. When I got home at night there was a new sense of evening hours, not checking emails, not wasting time on facebook, not looking at old pictures, not trying to work after hours. Keep in mind, my roommate has a desktop and a laptop so of course I wasn't completely without mapquest, google, or online emergencies (like that). Other things fell to the side. Blogging for instance, has never been a priority and I forgot all about it. I LOVED being out of the loop of online gossip, battles of wit and show and tell. Of all the things to miss the most I missed my music. I couldn't download or upload anything. Nothing was added to the ipod. CD's were listened to and purchased the old fashioned way (although I admit I still like buying CD's).

Then I switched jobs. All of a sudden I found myself in a new world. One that didn't have me sitting in front of a computer all day. I had to borrow my roommates computer often to check work emails (they couldn't be sent to my phone) and then to keep up on paper work. Gradually my need for a new computer increased. I would try to go into the office where there were laptops to use but were often in demand. If I had my own computer I could sit at home and do all my paper work. That wasn't such a bad idea. I also noticed a lot of new music coming out that I couldn't add to my collection, not to mention the stuff I couldn't find out about because I was stuck in the world of music I already had. Finally my need became urgent.

I just bought a new laptop. It took me a while to suck it up and buy one. Last Tuesday I took home a beautiful new HP whatever laptop. Of course I have my after purchase week of financial remorse as well as MAC remorse. But this feels good. I like it. I have all my music and can add to it. I can't find my pictures yet (I had them but then I think I lost them somewhere--no worries, I'll find them) but slowly I am getting know this new stranger.

What's odd is that I feel torn. I got used to not using my computer. Now that I have this new toy I feel like I should make time for it. I should explore the new updated world of current technology before me.

But I think I want to go read a book.

Home

2008-11-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

I'm home for Thanksgiving. I love coming home. There is something so comfortable to me about my house and my family. I realize not everyone feels this way about going home. I used to think everyone did, but within the last few years I've come to understand that not everyone feels so welcome and comfortable at home. My parents have really created a safe house for me. Although I'm almost 40 (one day) I still feel pretty transient in my young professional life. This is still coming home for me.

The only time my parents defied this safe zone was last year. I have a younger sister who still lives at home and she wanted my old bedroom. We have seven different bedrooms in our house. All my siblings are married except my younger sister and I. She could have picked ANY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. She wanted mine. I found out when I went home for a weekend and ran up to my room to dump my belongings. When I opened the door I was shocked to find my room filled with posters and pink and pillows and piles (piles everywhere). I ran downstairs and my mother started apologizing and claiming her own innocence. She never would have let it happen, it was all my dad and my sister. This did feel like a violation. They didn't even set me up a room elsewhere. They just dumped all my stuff in a closet. I haven't bothered setting it up either. Maybe it's because I realize I don't really live there anymore. Perhaps I shouldn't have a room that's mine there. (that's just silly) It's funny to me because it's not a big deal, but it still bothers me. Every time I come home now I can pick from any other room in the house. I want my old one. I still do. And I want all my stuff put back.

But there are a lot of things I still love: the carpet, the fruit bowls, my dad's fake fire that's been glowing in the fire place for 3 years running (of which he is incredibly proud), the trees that surround my house, the hours we are forced to spend removing the leaves, the food--all the food--from the grand slams to the smorgasbord to disappointing soup nights that have now become appreciated, Mormors pleas for more ice cream, the little dog getting yelled at in German, the sound of the dishwasher at night when we're supposed to be asleep, the candles in the window, my dad asking questions he already knows the answers to, singing time, clean up time, movie time,

prayer time.

I think that is one of the greatest things about coming home. I am really thankful for my parents faith and example. They have such a great love of God. I rely on them for a lot of strength and support. I can be really stubborn, there have been many times that I hear my dad call everyone to pray and I roll my eyes and secretly hope that it will be a short one. Even though I may react this way, I also notice that I love it. I love the spirit that's there. This is what is so great about coming home. It like a filter. When I come through the door only the most important things come with me. So much is left outside. When I leave I may pick it right back up again, but for a little while I could relax, rest, trust my parents and trust God.

Costume at work

2008-10-31T11:02:00.001-04:00

I couldn't find a good costume, so instead I threw on this crappy wig, some glasses and led my groups. At least people got a good laugh.

New England Fall

2008-10-27T16:20:00.003-04:00

This weekend some friends and I ventured into the north to take in beautiful fall in New England. We were a little late in the season, but we hadn't missed everything. I found a farm in New Hampshire that advertised apple picking, wagon rides, corn maze, hot apple cider, apple crisp, pumpkins and just about anything else you'd want. I convinced a few friends to come. We made a few stops along the way. We visited the Old North Bridge and actually listened the little ranger man tell his story of the miraculous way the militia was able to defend their homes. I love American history and all the stories that show just how much of a miracle it was that we were able to free ourselves from the British.

Our perfect fall scene. A blanket of leaves resting on the ground. It was heaven. We also stopped in to see the Groten School. It's only one of the most prestigious prep/boarding schools in the nation. (That's what someone said anyway, I have not done my own research.)

They had a backdrop with hay and corn stalk conveniently set up for us. We had fun with that!

Here we are mesmerized by the ranger. He was a fancy story-teller, that's for sure. I think my favorite part was Amy the boy early American who chopped off the head of an injured British soldier just as the rest of the British army was arriving to the scene. The army looked at Amy marched right past him and instead killed about 300 innocents living in Lexington on their way back to Boston as retaliation. Jaw-dropping story telling!!

Isn't this tree perfect! I love it. This was on the way to the estate sale that turned into crapper farmers sale of really old junk that NO ONE would ever be able to use EVER.

But this truck was pretty sweet and served as another great prop for our adventure. There was no apple picking, but we did hit up the corn maze, and wagon ride, burned our tongues on hot apple cider and shared some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. One of my friends also made out with a mirror and desk chair from a road side yard sale.

Against all Odds!!

2008-10-23T14:24:00.002-04:00

On our first phone call, he noticed I was talking about my meeting with him in front my co-worker. He challenged me enthusiastically to which I responded by saying, "are you yelling at me?"

Once arriving at our first meeting I forgot his name. AND the name of the agency.

I also forgot my resume.

Because I'm so charming they invited me back. I said I'd email my resume the next day.

I forgot his card. I had no email address. I decided to fax it in. Then I discovered his email address. I emailed it also. Overkill?

I went to a staff meeting. Arriving I run into the partner. She says, it's great to see you. You have an impressive resume. I say, really? I'm SO glad you think so!! At the meeting over and over I admitted that I had NO experience. Some how I was able to twist all my many weaknesses into possible strengths. At one point I said out loud, "Am I still talking?"

unsure. I'm not that experienced. I doubt I got it.

The CEO and CFO came to my staff meeting. They reported the tough news that because of HUGE cuts in the state budget, day treatment, employment programs, clubhouses and other programs would be cut out. There was a good chance we would be without jobs in a month.

Awesome. I can move like I always talk about. I am a little concerned though. It's not pleasant.

My new boss calls. He offers me the job. He said the team really liked you. Really!?!? He said I sounded surprised. I told him I just never know how I come across. I also told him about the meeting with the CEO. I asked him when he wanted me to start. He told me to talk to my boss and come up with an agreed upon date. We agreed I'd call him the next day.

I forgot to call.

How is that possible? I forgot to call.

The next morning I called and left him a message (which he apparently didn't receive) because he emailed me and said he thought I was going to call. I emailed him telling him I had left him a message. I got a phone message from him later saying he'd be happy to talk further about my questions. I emailed and said I'd call him when I got out of work.

I forgot to call.

How is that possible? I forgot to call.

How did I get this job?

I got a new job. I start it on the 10th. I'm pretty excited. I hope I can play it cool. Cooler then I have been.

Yikes.

Simple Communciation?

2008-10-14T09:16:00.002-04:00

Brought to you by: silly phone survey all about Google's new Goggle feature to prevent drunken emailing. (you can make a setting on your computer for nights and weekends in which you will have to answer simple math questions in a certain amount of time to enable you to send messages.)

This is an interesting concept. The problem: I'm sober and send stupid (really stupid) texts and emails and sometimes chats which I immediately regret. We'll call it impulsivity.

Evidence:

A. A few weeks ago I was hanging out with a friend of mine. It was a fun night, we hadn't spent time together in a while and after he left I felt the need to communicate to him that I enjoyed the night, that I've missed talking with him, that we should do it again soon, blah blah blah... This is what was actually sent from my phone: Gosh, I really missed hanging out you. Not a huge big deal, but unbelievably annoying. How hard is it to simply communicate a thought without screwing it up?

B. This weekend I ran into someone I don't know very well, we see each other so rarely, that when we started to chat and were immediately interrupted, I was quite annoyed and bothered. Later that day I was thinking about how I wanted to talk more, so I looked up his email address and sent him an email. I'm not even sure what I blabbed about but I'm sure I was blabbing. Again, not a huge big deal but annoying.

C. Important thing to know about me: I think I'm pretty funny. Yesterday I sent a text to a friend of mine who recently moved out of state. It said: I think we should go see Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist tonight. He responds with something like, What? you do realize we're in different states/cities/time zones? To which I responded, You have no imagination. Yes I realize that. Last night around 7 I sent another text saying: I'm so sorry I'm not going to make it tonight but lets try again later this week. JUST PLAIN DUMB. But this morning I felt the need to acknowledge it. I was chatting and said: sorry about my obnoxious texts, I'll try not to do that even anymore. Yes. Again, how hard is it to eliminate unnecessary stupid communication or at least communicate an idea or thought simply and easily?

These are just a few examples. I could go on and on and on and on. I don't know if Googles Goggles will help me stop being so dumb and quick to send incomplete unclear messages to people. But maybe an official hand slapper. Someone to stand over me to slap my hand every time I try to send some ridiculous communication that isn't necessary and I'll wish I hadn't in about 5 seconds. Or a buzzer of some kind. I could just tag people in my phone or computer that every time I try to send something I get an electric shock. This way I would only send things that would be worth getting shocked over. So only absolutely necessary communications. Somehow I must be stopped!!!

My Name

2008-10-07T14:04:00.002-04:00

I believe I have mentioned it before, but every morning on my way to work I listen to a radio station that has a survey question each day. Often I find them silly and mildly entertaining, and sometimes I find one that actually promotes deeper thoughts. This morning they were talking about how people change their last names when they get married. They started with the example of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and how they didn't because they were both established prior to their union. There are many ways people choose to do this, but the question they were asking this morning was along the lines of: should the person who is the LEAST successful in the relationship submit to the success of the other and change their name. I guess asking if the woman is more successful and established, should the man just deal with it and change his name to match hers. So like I said before, silly and mildly entertaining, but today it got me thinking about a few things. Mostly, my own name. (and no this isn't a thoughtful tribute to my ancestors or anything, much more trivial)

When I was born my parents opted not to give me (or my sisters) a middle name. When I asked as a child about not having a middle name they said that when I got married I would take my husbands name and my last name would become my middle name. In a way, this always bothered me. In some way, I got the message that as a girl I shouldn't get a middle name or something and it also made the assumption that inevitably I would be wed. When people would ask me for my full name, I always wished that I had a full name and didn't sound so lame as saying just my name again. Lately this has changed! Mostly because of two of my sisters marriages.

I hate hyphens. I think it's really lame to hyphen your name. Sorry if you love it, I reserve my right to hate it as much as it is your right to do it. When I do get married I hope that we will start our family. Having our family I would like us all to share one name, one that unites us all. I am still myself, unique in my traits and talents and even though I plan to change my last name, I feel no threat to my identity or heritage. (I'm not saying that people who don't change their names feel these things, I am just talking about me...so relax if you feel the need to defend others choices.) That all being said, I really love that I can reserve my current last name as my middle name! My parents are brilliant! I won't have to drop anything! I think of my married sisters names and how beautiful they are. It works. I was talking to a co-worker about this and asked if she would change her name when she gets married. She told me that hyphening was not an option because it would be Lord-Killgoar and she'd have to carry a sword to pull that one off.

Then there are those who just choose to combine names without a hyphen like Clark Donavan. If I can barely write my first name I'm not writing out two last names. It's just not going to happen. What about those who create a blended name for all to share? Claravon? I guess you can if you want to. I think it would depend on what you're working with. Lordgoar I'd vote no. Killord--maybe. What about Brangelina? Blending first names and eliminating last names all together... it just wouldn't work, not feasible.

This leads me to my next tangent. My signature. This is actually where all these thoughts are coming from. The phone survey was about changing your name, I thought about how I'd like to change my signature. Which then led me to when I get married will I change my signature then? Right now I just sign my first initial and then my last name. This mostly came out of laziness. I can't do the scribble thing. It just looks sloppy. If I'm going to sign my name it should read as my name I guess. So when I was in college I just started signing my initial and last name. This was never an issue until I was applying for student aid for grad school. Someone called me and said I hadn't signed the forms correctly and I needed to submit again with my full signature. By that time, my signing was habit. I called them back and said that this was indeed my signature. I sign all documents this way. The person on the phone gave me a hard time but finally accepted my signature. (seriously, you can scribble and make wavy lines and no one says a thing, but an initial and last name was somehow wrong? It just doesn't make sense to me.)

But lately I was thinking that I want to write my name out but I guess I hesitate to change my signature. So thinking about all this I was wondering do I have to get married to change my signature? Probably not, but it's still wildly inconvenient. It will probably stay as it is. I don't know why I don't like it.

Diagnosis Week

2008-10-02T13:25:00.004-04:00

My sister declared this week salad lovers week and wanted me to post a salad recipe a day to share with her and whomever else. I really would love to participate in such a thing so here's my FAVORITE salad recipe:

Romain lettuce
cucumber
green peppers
cherry tomato's
feta cheese
avocado

I put it all in a bowl and then I use a Italian Basil dressing. I eat this every other day. It really makes me happy. Sometimes I'll put cooked chicken on it, but that's a rare event. Boring I know, but so basic, good and true. Salad in it's purest form.

Although this week for her is salad lovers week, I will dub my week diagnosis week. It's been amusing to see just how much stuff all happens at once in my life. Why oh why!??!

1. Last week I was at home working on my laptop (working is used very loosely--I mostly recreate, compiling music, "research", watching Arrested Development on hulu.com, and stuff like that). While I was compiling a great new play list the screen started shaking, bouncing up and down very fast, and then it turned a greenish hue and then went dark. I shut the top and put it aside hoping that in the morning it would return to it's normal level of functioning. Of course, I was wrong. It's clear that the computer is still working, it's just the screen that isn't.

I spent some time on the phone yesterday with our pals and the geek squad. Did you know that they'll charge you $70 just to look at your computer? I told them that I knew what the problem was, the screen. The guy said it sounded like the LCD screen or something and that would--judging from the age of my computer, purchased in 2002 a Toshiba--cost me close to $500 to fix and that I should probably get a new one. Then I was wondering about external hard drives. These can range from $80-$120 or so. So how much will it cost me to have them save my data? It depends on how much but possibly $160. Now I don't know what to do. Would they charge me the 70 to talk to me, the 100 for the hard drive and then the 160 to transfer data? And that's not even considering the cost of the new computer.

2. My dear sweet car does a good job. She is a little old and has 123 plus thousand miles. She's a Toyota Corolla and I try to take good care of her because she's helping me out a bunch. The other day I was thinking about how I know there is an oil leek in my car and I was pretty sure that if there was any oil in the car at all, it was probably very little. I decided to do the right thing and take it in. My findings? I need a new oil pan and gasket--maybe $400, but they also decided to tell me I need new front brake pads and new rotors because they were bent--maybe $300. Really? So I'm trying to shop around for that. I can't imagine an oil pan being that expensive. I suggested duct tape, but they weren't amused.

3. Yesterday I couldn't speak. I had a scratchy throat for a few days but the last two days were really bad. I could hardly leave a message for my boss when I called out sick. I love that I don't have to try to sound sick. It was the strangest thing though. I've never had a sore throat like this. I had no other cold symptoms. I felt fine physically except that my throat felt like it was on fire. I hadn't had strep throat since I was really young, so I thought maybe that was it. I spent a lot of time yesterday on the phone changing my PCP, learning that my new PCP wouldn't give me a referral because she wouldn't see me until Nov, my new PCP's secretary is a JERK, my health insurance is a joke, I can't go to a walk in without a referral from my PCP, and my only options were to change my PCP again to someone who could see me that day or go to an ER where my awesome insurance lets me pay $75 for an ER visit but I also have a $500 deductible for lab work. What kind of insurance is that? I HATE our health care system and what I hate even more is that people are making other people purchase this insane insurance that then isn't helpful for them when they actually do get sick. But I don't want to go off on my thoughts of insurance (I just deleted a ton--you're welcome)

So yeah. I guess I have a lot of diagnosing going on. What's wrong, what's the necessary treatment, what do I want as my desired results? For now I will just try to find relaxing activities, you know things that help me distract/avoid the rest of my life. I could probably do that for a while.

The Monitors - Grazing In The Grass

2008-09-17T18:21:00.001-04:00

It took me about 40 minutes to find this gem today. Sometimes I get this song stuck in my head but I don't know all the words. I'm working on it for my next kareoke performance.

I hope that this year some people will be willing to perform this with me in a talent show fashion.

Can you dig it?

Cuz I Have

2008-09-11T14:51:00.003-04:00

Have you ever put shower gel on your hands thinking it was lotion?

Have you put shower gel in your hair thinking it was shampoo?

Have you forgotten to rinse the shampoo or conditioner out of your hair?

Have you washed your clothes forgetting to put in detergent and not realize it until your folding your not clean, clean clothes?

Have you ever sent a gossipy text and in process sent it to the wrong person? meaning the person you were gossiping about?

Have you ever said not nice things about someone and they were standing right behind you?

Have you ever said not-nice things about someone AS YOU WERE CALLING THEM and they pick up and hear you?

*Have you ever been awesome enough (huge stretch--this is not awesome) to play the previous three items off?

Have you ever tried to communicate to your boss the difference in your work styles, using the comparison of your boss being God and yourself just being an angel?

Have you ever purposely shut downs someone else's excitement?

Have you ever liked someone so much that you just can't talk to them?

Have you ever felt like pointing out to the guys you do talk to that you just don't like them?

Have you ever tripped up the stairs while walking with a guy you have a hard time talking to and decide it'd be better to just crawl up the remaining stairs with your hands?

Have you ever slipped in vomit in a high school hallway falling flat on your butt?

Have you ever fallen so hard, been left feeling so embarrassed that you think it might be more graceful just to lay there and not move?

Have you ever hit your head on the side of your car while trying to get in your car?

Have you ever gone all day without realizing your shirt is on in-side-out, or backwards?

Have you ever driven the wrong way on a one-way street because it was more convenient?

Have you almost gotten in an accident while driving because you saw a huge insect on your arm, so you scream, swerve, try to kill the bugger, forgetting your in moving traffic?

Have you ever been attacked by a swan (or maybe just a big white duck)?

um, I could go on...

An Attack or a Gift?

2008-09-02T10:57:00.004-04:00

Labor Day weekend is supposed to be fun! A last hoorah before school and work and fall routines occur again. Why do we make this weekend the worst possible by making it moving weekend? Maybe there is a way for me to avoid that in the future. Nonetheless, I did not have a final hoorah, I moved. It was long, arduous, mind-numbing work. I'll spare you the details and the pain, I doubt I could communicate that worthily enough. I'll sum up and say that at 3am Sunday morning my three new best friends had successfully helped me move everything I own to my new apartment. Sunday I was able to unpack and try to get some things organized. I was ahead of the game. My roommate was planning to bring all of her things on Monday. This is where my delightful story begins.

On the side of our house we have a patio that wraps around to the front of our building. There is a gate there and it is usually locked. For the weekend of our move we had asked the landlord to open it for us because it would be easier to carry things through the sliding glass door as opposed to our front door. Sunday night I went to sleep, anxiously thinking about all the things I had ahead of me the next morning. When I woke up I looked outside my window and saw that there were things outside the glass door on the ground. My first thought was that my roommate had a burst of energy during the night and decided to move some items and just leave them outside. I thought, "Oh, she should have woken me up, I would have opened the door for her!" Upon closer observance I noticed a toaster. She and I had discussed the fact that neither of us would be bringing a toaster to the house. Perplexed, I went to look closer. As I walked toward the glass door I was amazed at what I found.
This is the only picture I took. It captures a lot, although not all. Someone had come during the night, laid out a carpet and carefully piled junk all over it. As I looked I noticed that a lot of care went into this gift on my porch. My favorite part was the stuffed bunny, frog, and duck having a tea party on an old suitcase. This was funny! I continued looking and found a broken iron, toaster, VCR, water heater, a chair with an old boot, a poster with a goat on it, and many other gems of other peoples lives which had been cast aside.

I first thought it was my friend who helped me move. When I thought further, these friends wouldn't have done it. They were already out moving me the night before into the early morning hours and were just as tired of moving stuff as I was. At first it was funny, but then that changed. I was going to have to move all of the junk off my porch. I had already moved so much! The thought of moving anything extra was painful and mean!!!! This was mean. I called another friend to help me get rid of it. As she arrived we found a matching chair on the street outside my house. So I have a new theory. There were two guys moving out of my building Sunday. I helped one of them, sort of, holding the door or whatever. My new guess is that it was them. But that also doesn't make sense. I have a really hard time picturing anyone who'd been moving all day setting up a tea party with stuffed animals for people they don't know. At the same time, maybe they are far more clever and were able to have a lame final hoorah on their labor day weekend.

So I don't know what to think. But I'm back to thinking that it was kind of funny. I can appreciate harmless pranks, although quite annoying. I'm glad I have this picture to remember it. I hope it's not some kind of freak stalker new neighbor.

my own mental status exam

2008-08-26T15:54:00.004-04:00

I'm a little stressed this week. I'm moving. I can't wait, but I'm a tad stressed. Last night I got home and realized I had successfully avoided, yet again, doing anything productive to prepare for my move. I had that oh-so familiar queasy feeling in my stomach. The one that usually comes around every mid-terms and finals season, when I have a 25 page paper due in 3 days and I've only done some basic research. I can usually bank on two long nights, but always squeaking out that last page, getting it in right on time. This is what I keep telling myself, "It will all work out. It always does."

But I still get stressed. Signs that I'm stressed: my leg is bouncing as I sit in my office chair (not a usual thing for me), I just want to eat, I start to freak out about anything and all things. This one is actually quite humorous because it's so unnecessary, yet incredibly real!

Things I'm freaked out about because I'm stressed:

1. I had a break light out and was SURE the popo's would find me, finally ask me for my license, realize I'm licensed in another state, car's registered in another state, they'd impound my car, take my license and I'd end up owing thousands of dollars for whatever reason to whatever Massachusetts agency.

2. I've gained weight. Like not really, not on a scale, but I haven't been running like I used to and haven't been swimming lately and I feel gross. I then start to notice all kinds of unsettling things like the fact that I've gained weight, but not really.

3. I kinda like this boy. That's all I have to say about that. BUT I will say, it's fun to be a little bit giddy. I hope that giddy feeling lasts. In order to make it last I must NEVER talk to him, thus avoiding the opportunity for him to ruin my giddy feeling.

4. Summer's coming to a close and soon it'll be really really really cold. I should have done something more with my summer. Stupid real job.

5. I'm afraid my car's going to break down. There is no reason for this, just an impending feeling of doom and dread.

I hope this move goes smoothly. All these things will take care of themselves. I realize they are not rational thoughts (thanks CBT) but they're there. As far as my mental status goes, I'd say increased anxiety, thought process jumbled at best, oriented x 3, still presents well-kempt appropriately dressed, hygiene intact.

Tears of Joy?

2008-08-19T11:03:00.002-04:00

I had a conversation with my father recently. Both of us are in the mental health field and we often talk about human behavior and thought processes. We were discussing crying. My father said that sometimes you hear people talk about tears of joy, but that there really was no such thing. All tears are a result of some kind of sadness or loss. I disagreed with him and so we discussed. At the end of our discussion I could see his argument. Very often our tears are linked to a loss or sadness although we may be happy for someone else.

BUT I still have one holdout. Sporting events--mostly the Olympics. I have cried before watching the Olympics. I remember a few tears of JOY dropping when Kerri Strug nailed her landing in the 96 games. It was amazing! I remember a few tears of JOY dropping when Brandi Chastain scored the final goal in the shoot out winning the women's world cup in 1999. I'm not sure what those tears are about but I can't find a sadness. I think it's recognizing the pain and the work and the dedication and then the final payout...AHHH, I get goose bumps just thinking about it!!

It leads me to this. Michael Phelps. I watched every single event. I was a competitive swimmer for many years and to watch this man swim gave me chills!! CHILLS!! The team unity and support of Lezak, Piersol, and everyone else just supporting him and watching him dominate and do so much for the sport is incredible. This article articulates it perfectly. I get chills again reading it and the tears come to my eyes.

So what about that? Is that sadness Pop? What do you guys think?

Ushering in my 29th year...

2008-08-05T14:06:00.005-04:00

We ventured on a Boston Harbor Cruise featuring the ultimate Guns and Roses cover band: APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION!!!!Only those brave enough made the trip and the true rockers surfaced.
Peggy and I
My co-worker also celebrated her boyfriends birthday on board with their friends. It was a huge bash and a night to remember!
There was much dancing and working the wind!
The crowd was tough but we were tougher. Maintaining the whole evening alcohol free when your feet were being sloshed and the air stale!
The true, the proud, the beautiful in our Paradise City, on a boat smaller than you'd think!

I usually hate this stuff

2008-08-05T13:43:00.003-04:00

but i'm learning to stop hating. I actually found this stupid quiz fun to do. Granted I'm at work and just had it out with a client, but I like my result. (because I like the description. I was hoping for Bell). I guess that explains a bit of why Ariel always annoyed me. Stubborn. Takes forever to learn the same lessons.

You Are Ariel!

Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that's full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you'll realize that there is something to be gained from your family's wisdom.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

and yes I did link to the quiz from the ssbblog. I did look at it today.

Anger

2008-07-24T12:17:00.002-04:00

I was looking at a book recently prepping for my Understanding Anger group when I came across something very interesting. For the clients in my group there seems to be a two way split. There are those who get angry and explode and then there are those that avoid anger at all costs, and if they do get angry stuff it. Stuffing an emotion can be done both consciously and unconsciously. This book I was looking at had a whole chapter dedicated to "the stuffer."

Sometimes I find that people confuse the emotion of anger to reactions made in anger and believe it's interchangeable. Here are some ditty's I found interesting from this chapter:

1. the stuffer doesn't offer much in the way of intellectual stimulation because he's wary of conflict and won't risk angering you by expressing opinions and/or ideas that differ much from your own. I think this is quite unfortunate. I love a good debate.

2. Some stuffers are not so much "nice" as they are cool. Nothing ever fazes them. they give the impression of being in complete control of themselves in any and all situations. Cool stuffers are sometimes admired, sometimes envied. I think my clients would say this is me.

AND MY FAVORITE

3. Stuffers sometimes, though of course not always, run to fat. It's almost as though stuffing food helps them keep their anger stuffed.

To this I would argue that people often use fat or food to stuff unpleasant emotions not just anger. Disappointment, sadness, loneliness, feeling unfulfilled...I think some people find food to be a way to somehow fill a void. Seeking the comfort and reliability of food to fill. But then sometimes even food doesn't satisfy and they continue to eat and eat. I think there's some truth to that.

I'd also like to point out that there are things besides food that people turn to. I'd argue exercise is also something some people use to satisfy the unsatisfied. Shopping or buying could also be used.

I remember a few years ago and article in the Ensign magazine that was called filling the void. It was short but very interesting. I really related to it because the author was talking about filling the void with music. I think I do all these things at different times. There are times the music can't be loud enough, or I can't run far enough, I just want to eat. I also believe that that's ok.

The Coop

2008-07-10T14:26:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I was on my way to the Border Cafe in Harvard Square to meet some friends for dinner. I arrived about 30 minutes early and decided I would take the opportunity to check out some new reading material at the Coop. If you have been to the Coop you know what it looks like. If you have not, I'll describe it briefly. It's a jam packed bookstore. There are shelves everywhere with all kinds of subject matter and all kinds of people. The shelves are placed close together and there is usually one chair at the end of each book case. It's tight quarters; that's all I'm saying. Yesterday was no exception.

I like to spend some time looking at some of the newly released paperbacks. I'm always fascinated at what can be marketed as non-fiction. I understand how it's done, but I find it interesting how people don't think about it and just take it as fact. That's another tangent for another day. There is a section of the bookstore where the staff recommendations are set aside. This area usually has one or two interesting selections highlighted.

Yesterday there was a book of compiled essays of revolution and other inspirational paradigm shifting thoughts. I was leaning up against the book case looking at the contents of the book. There was a woman about four feet away from me sitting in a chair. As I looked at the contents I remembered that I needed to send a text to a friend of mine changing the time of our meeting. So I took out my phone and sent the text. As I put my phone away I noticed the woman in the chair. She was standing up staring at me with very paranoid eyes (if you know paranoid people you know paranoid eyes). She turns to me and says, "Did you just take a picture of me?" I just looked back at her and said, "excuse me?" I was thinking--are you serious? She repeated the question and I told her no. I told her I sent a text to a friend of mine. She then proceeded to tell me that I was standing way too close to her and my phone was open directly in her direction. I think I was smiling (probably--a problem of mine when I find myself in situations like this). She looked at me angrily and told me that people had taken her picture before. She then backed away from me staring me down.

It was a memorable moment.

a good reminder

2008-06-26T11:58:00.005-04:00

On a recent visit home, my sister-in-law shared a blog with me (I used to have the blog linked but then I noticed today that she's had a bunch of angry hate comments from "anonymous" people and I don't want to feel responsible for the ignorant irate). I love satire. I love when someone is able to express a thought or idea so well through writing that it makes me excited. I love how this person has created a blog that perfectly mocks one ridiculous aspect of our culture. The best thing about satire and things like this is that it makes people think. Well, it makes me think. I hope it would make more than just me think.

Upon reading this blog my immediate reaction is that it's so witty and humorous. My reaction about 30 seconds after my immediate reaction is, "oh my gosh, I hope I'm not like that." About 2 minutes after that I recognize that there are a few who are really like that, and that this is a dramatic compilation of anything and everything that's annoying about Mormon culture blogs. Then I had to do an honest assessment and find my score on the Scale of Stupidness (as I like to call it). I wish there were a mathematical equation to find out an actual score, but I don't know how to do that really. I just like to make stuff up.

But what's good about this is that there are a few things that have been annoying me about my blog for the last several months but I haven't done anything about it.

1. I hate writing about blogging.
2. I know I've gotten into a terrible habit of excessive use of exclamation points. It really drives me crazy. I'm also guilty of adding emphasis in cheap ways. By cheap I mean that it's really a whorish way of writing. Good writing doesn't need all capital letters, millions of exclamation points, or fluffy filler words. Good writing is concise and powerful because of how it is written.
3. I was an English major for my undergrad studies and I love writing. It takes me a while to say what I want to say, I stew over word choice and punctuation, and I like writing about things that are worth writing about. I miss having things that I find worth writing about. Also, I wish I could spell, knew better grammar, and could write with that kind of power I alluded to in number two.

Now I'm excited. I miss being able to write. I'm going to try again.

Titanic

2008-06-16T12:33:00.002-04:00

No, it's not 1997. Remember when The Titanic was the biggest movie EVER? Everyone was talking about it, there was all the controversy about the nudity, and Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't on Growing Pains anymore?!?! I remember everyone carrying on about that movie forever!!!! Well, I never watched it. It's not like I sat down and refused to watch it. I just never did. It was two VHS tapes and freaking LONG!!! I was sure that it was good, but I also knew that it was about a huge tragedy and chances are, even with a new movie to highlight the event, people would still die in this version. I also have a really hard time with ship sinking, people drowning movies.

For example, it's New Years Eve, 1989 (probably) I'm in 4th grade. My father decided to rent Poseidon Adventure to accompany our supply of soda and peanut butter M&M's. I could hardly stand this movie. I STILL have nightmares which involve a HUGE wall of water moving towards me, wiping out everything. Where did I see that? Poseidon Adventure. At one point I remember I was sitting on the top of the back of the couch and my brothers teasing me, "Linda, are you trying to get out of the water?!?!" I was freaked out!! I don't like watching people drown and die. This experience may have contributed to my not rushing out to see the Titanic.

I graduated high school in '97 and went away to college and this movie was such a big deal. I think after a while it became kind of fun for me to tell people when they were talking about it, that I hadn't seen the film and couldn't really participate in their discussion. A few months ago I noticed that the movie was on TV. I was working and had nothing else to do and I watched like 20 minutes of it. All I saw was Leo handcuffed to a beam and water rising, then Kate Winslet finds an axe and miraculously hacks perfectly to cut him free and then they try to get up on deck. I still didn't think I was missing anything.

Last Saturday I was working again. One of the new girls wasn't able to go on a visit with her family and Titanic was her favorite movie. At 6:00 we started watching Titanic. I warned her and the others in the room that I hadn't seen this--scoffs and bafflement followed for a few minutes--then I told them I was excited to see it, AND that I'd try to control myself and not freak out. I told them before hand that I have severe issues with drowning, blatant disregard for human life, and cocky wealthy people who think they rule the world at the expense of others.

At 9:30ish we finished, I think. I had to flee the room once, when they were shutting the emergency doors and people were still stuck in the boiler room to drown. I have a hard time with that. There were a few times when I had to apologize because I was pointing out some things that didn't make sense (can't remember what that was now), and when I was yelling about people making stupid decisions when their education and intuition know better. That whole Titanic sinking thing could've been avoided. And I LOVED when they showed the frozen baby and kid screaming in the hallway, and the mom singing her kids to sleep with the water rising. That stuff was awesome!

Overall though, I actually really liked it. I realize it's a cheesy love story and I could've done without the old lady throwing the diamond in the ocean-the batty old hag. But seriously, I liked it. I really liked the characters and the filming itself was pretty cool. AND I liked that somehow I made it out without having that Celine Dion song stuck in my head!!! (I've had that Air song stuck in my head all weekend-Celine couldn't even trump that) I doubt I'll ever sit through it again, but I'm glad I've seen it. I thought it was good.

Now I'm wondering what other movie can replace Titanic for being an epic film that everyone loves, everyone should see, everyone knows it, but I don't? hmm, Schindler's List?

it must be told!

2008-06-11T09:51:00.003-04:00

Last week there seemed to be extra amounts of traffic everywhere I went. At some points it seemed to be like a third world country. On the news I heard about extreme accidents and things that made transportation difficult for many. No matter where I turned there were three times as many cars or people as there normally would be. I'm not sure what's been going on-why that is-but I've learned to relax a little. I've also been reminded that I've been carrying my camera in my bag and I should take advantage of this.

So one morning last week there was a huge fire in Boston. An old restaurant that's been around since Paul Revere made his famous ride burnt to a crisp one evening and as a result a major exit was blocked getting into the city. I didn't know any of this as I started out on my commute. I realized something was terribly wrong when it took me 15 minutes to merge onto the freeway. This is where my funny story begins. As I enter the freeway I do some fancy maneuvering and try to get into the lane that looks like it's moving the fastest. As I do so I notice a little red car moving toward the right shoulder with it's front left tire completely flat. I look at the poor soul and thought to myself, "man, that sucks!" I've always been really empathetic. I was grateful that it wasn't me. I could already tell it was going to be a rough morning and to have something else on top of that--it's uncalled for. 45 minutes later I have gone maybe a mile and I notice the same little red car on the shoulder where I have finally arrived and the driver was now changing his tire. I looked, confused at the time/distance and all the work I'd been doing to get to where I was and how this man was just as far as I was WITH his flat tire. He was now just loosening the bolts. I drove on thinking that the man was probably wise and took advantage of the opportunity to drive on the shoulder for a while and pass a ton of cars.

So I drive on. Another 40 minutes or so go by and I'm now another mile or so up the road. At this point, I'd already called in late to work, called several friends to see if they want to go to breakfast and I'd exit the freeway and just get to work when I got there. No one could meet me which was probably a good thing. I called my dad and we talked for a while. As I was talking to my dad something amazing happened! Sweet mother of mystery!!!! The little red car appeared in the lane next to me!!! I KNOW!!!! I've been sitting on the freeway for nearly two hours and i have not gone very far. This man was able to pull off the road, change his friggin tire, and now he was in a lane that was actually passing me. My dad told me I should probably get behind him and follow his maneuvering through traffic.

I was laughing out loud at the slap in the face that this was to me. Then I remembered I had my camera!!! By now I was in a good lane that was going to pass up all the traffic and he was further right. So I did my best. It was right as I was entering the tunnel so I had to act quickly and all good opportunities were lost earlier. But here is his. The stupid red car that pretty much mocked me and the other fools around me. I'm still puzzled by the whole thing.

Hawaii--photo documentation

2008-06-05T22:01:00.004-04:00

It has been requested that I post some photo's of my trip to Hawaii here on my blog. So I will oblige and offer brief descriptions. Let me begin by saying it was such an awesome trip. I went for a wedding. My good friend Suzy was marrying a friend of ours, Stu, hence Stuzy '08. I met up with my good friend M.E. and we enjoyed a lot of sun. We stayed in Waikiki, one of the top tourist spots in the world. It was an adventure for sure!! This is the first night I arrived. It was a beautiful sunset in Waikiki with local singers and dancers entertaining the tourists.
M.E. and I needed some documentation that we were, in fact, there. We couldn't have been happier.
The first morning, after the first sunset, we woke up and went to the beach. M.E. went surfing and I lazied on the beach to my hearts content. Here I wanted documentation that I was there. There was a funeral that morning for a local man who'd lived his whole life in Waikiki. The boat you see is carrying most of the funeral procession out to sea where I believe they were dumping his ashes. There had already been a caravan of Hawaiian canoe-type things leading the way with many attractive native Hawaiians. After the funeral they all stayed to surf.
One of my only touristy things I did was go to Pearl Harbor on Sunday afternoon. I love stuff like this. They had a really nice visitors center and free video and tour. It was really informative and then we got on a boat that took us out the memorial for the U.S.S. Arizona that is still visible just below the surface of the water. Pieces of the ship still stick out above the water. Thousands of men are entombed within the ship. Such a tragedy.
This is the inside of the memorial. It was completely quiet and incredibly windy (I was wearing a skirt). I really loved being able to learn a bit more about what happened there.
So like I said, we came for the wedding. This is the beautiful Laie Temple. We also drove through the BYU campus.
Stuzy
M.E. Sarah and I having our own photo session after the sealing.
This is us waiting outside the temple. It was such a perfect day!
We took tons of pictures of us while we waited. I found this flower on the ground (because you can't pick flowers at the temple, but if they fall, help yourself).

Here are some of my favorite scenes. We drove the the eastern coast one evening at it was so beautiful!!
We decided we had to come back to this beach in the morning because it was so perfect!!
Doesn't this remind you of Goonies? or Lost?
or the Lady in White?
Back in Waikiki. I was there.

Work Post ~ brought to you by Almond Joy

2008-06-02T11:28:00.003-04:00

I have many stories and many pictures, many things that I hope to post eventually. The problem is that most of the time I'm at a computer at work and I don't have my pictures here, and more often than not, I left my creativity and patience at home too. (that or I lost it already today)

But today I was sitting at my desk--I still am-- and I had a mini Almond Joy sitting near me. I decided to eat it (shocker) and was reflecting on the goodness that is Almond Joy. I used to HATE Almond Joy and Mounds. I hated coconut as a child and I thought anything with any coconut was disgusting!! I'm happy to report that I really like it now. I guess I should say that there are conditions: I don't like cooked coconut or really overpowering coconut drinks. I'd just rather have something else. But this brings me to a new bulleted list...

Food Linda Hated in Childhood, but Now Enjoys:

*Almond Joy

*Lasagna

*onions
*cheeseburgers

*salad

*fish

*dark chocolate

* hots (red pepper, hot peppers, anything that allows for spice, heat or flavor)

*tomatoes

Food Linda Liked in Childhood but Now DETESTS (a little strong-prefers not to have):

*pastries (of any kind)

*donuts (is that considered a pastry?)

*cookie crisp cereal

*ramen noodles--except for Wagamama

*string cheese

*spaghetti

*pasta in general (besides lasagna)

I'll have to keep adding as things come to me. I wish that both lists were longer. I'm still thinking...

I guess I should apologize

2008-05-29T21:38:00.003-04:00

...but I won't. I've been busy. I went to Hawaii!!!! and I work a LOT. And work has been crazy. It's been a rough couple of weeks at work, but overall, things are going well. In fact, I think some of my not-posting is a result of not much happening. I've got nothing BUT:

* I'm tearing up right now watching LOST because Jin just blew up on the freighter. It's really dramatic.

* I bought tickets to a small concert for the Submarines yesterday, but then found out they didn't go on stage until 11:30pm. I opted to stay home and go to bed.

* I'm not crazy about the new Death Cab single they're playing on the radio which is disappointing.

* I don't like REM. I think I liked them ok in middle/high school, but if you want to make a comeback you have to somehow impress. I'm not impressed. It's boring. Wahh Wahh Wahh is what he sounds like.

* I still love Red Hot Chili Peppers. That's good.

* I got in another fender bender a few months ago which was a HUGE downer.

* I LOVE So You Think You Can Dance!!!

* I think I need to quit my job. soon.

* I am always happy when I'm near a beach. I think I should go closer to one.

* I recently joined Netflix and I've been on an Alfred Hitchcock kick. Good stuff! But I actually joined for the purpose of getting the first disc of Scooby Doo Where are you? and HeMan. We were having a cereal and Saturday morning cartoons gathering. Brilliant.

*I've been watching WAY too much TV lately. I think it's a direct result of work stress. But realization is the first step to positive change (sometimes). So tomorrow I pledge to start my healthy lifestyle again.

* I just saw an ad for "I survived a Japanese Game show" I think our society has hit a HUGE low. It's really depressing. But that could be a funny show.

* I love it when I laugh so hard I cry. It doesn't happen too often. But a few weeks ago I was telling some friends a story about the time I left a note on a boy's car. It was such a pathetic story--all details--that I could hardly speak and tears were flowing.

* speaking of talking to this group of friends, they've all recently moved. I'm not joking when I say that the people I've spent most of my time with over the last year and a half have ALL relocated to LA. Is that place really that magical? Why is EVERYONE going there? But I am a sheep...perhaps I will follow. (I'm NOT a sheep).

*I went to Rockport on Memorial Day. It's a small New England town north of Boston. It was such a great day. We went for the lobster. We found a little seafood shack-type place in between fancy boutiques and each bought a HUGE steamed lobster. My lobster was steaming, tossed in a paper plate/bowl thing and came with a side of melted butter. It was DIVINE!! I'm going again.

*every morning when I drive to work I listen to the same radio morning show. Each morning I get to hear them pose a question and survey people. It's really funny and something I look forward to everyday. Today they shared the story of a Canadian couple who decided they didn't want their new baby and tried to sell in on Craigslist. The question was: should you be able to sell your baby on Craigslist? So entertaining!!!!!

As you can tell, I could go on forever. and I'm still watching LOST. So I'll stop here but say that I hope to blog again. AND I'll share pictures. There are a lot of pictures to share: Hawaii, Earthfest, Rockport, the Arboretum, and just lots of random stuff. and if you're not interested--too bad.

Final Lent Confessions

2008-03-27T20:23:00.002-04:00

So, like I confessed earlier, I have a difficult time following through with things. I still owe three confessions.

1. I'm not doing that 1/2 marathon. It was fun for the day I considered it. I've now come to the same realization I've always had prior to deciding to do that--I feel no need to run 13 miles EVER. I respect all people who want to set goals like that. I just don't think it would do anything for me. I run just about every day and I'm good with going anywhere between 3-6 miles. I'm totally satisfied. Thank you.

2. I bought a plane ticket to Hawaii recently. I have a friend getting married there and I've never been, and I found a really good deal. I am, however, wondering if it was such a great idea. (Don't get me wrong, I'm going and it'll be awesome) I am trying to do a better job of living within my means. This doesn't exactly help me with that goal. So I confess (mom) I shouldn't have, but hey, this is another great learning opportunity. So I'm not going to worry about it but enjoy this mistake...just like those boots a few months ago.

3. I get really grumpy when I don't swim for a while. A lot of people who know me well, when they notice I'm freaking out about something or getting too irritable, will ask me if I've been swimming lately. Usually when this happens I'll all-of-a-sudden get it, and then I'll go swimming and everything will fall into place. (like it always does--and probably would even if I didn't go swim, but swimming makes me feel good)

I want to go to France

2008-03-27T02:14:00.001-04:00

I've had this stuck in my head for two days. The funny thing is that I don't mind. I've LOVED having this stuck in my head. Everything's a little more funny and I want to do the shuffle everytime I enter a room, dressed in flashy bright colors, dressed to the nines.

Faux de fa fa!! fa fa!!

Lent Confessions 3/18 and 3/19

2008-03-19T13:14:00.002-04:00

* I've been half way through Crime and Punishment for about 5 years. I'm not proud of this because I really like the book!! I remember exactly where I am and what's been happening. Whenever I go home I'll read a few more pages, but usually when I go home (this is at my parents house, the book is on a shelf in my room there) there is always so many other things to do than to sit a read. I'm usually only home for a few days. I think I need to get a copy and finish it. It's an awesome book!

* I love to sing. I wish I had an amazing voice but it's pretty weak. I can read music and I have a very sensitive ear, but I've never learned to have a strong voice. When I was younger I remember dancing around my living room listening to our record of Broadway's Annie. I would even act it out. My favorite number, if you will, was "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile." I remember pretending I was on stage performing for a huge crowd. I wanted to grow up and be a singer. I don't think I've grown out of that either. I still love to blare my music and sing-a-long. I'm a sucker for karaoke--it's my only chance to perform. For that small moment I can be a rockstar--like I was meant to be.

Confession 3/17

2008-03-17T22:32:00.002-04:00

Today is St. Patricks day. What better way for me to pay tribute than to post my favorite picture of me and my parents in Boston...my mom is wearing an incredible green shirt!! Nah, that's just dumb, but I wanted to post about my parents. Last Saturday, the 15th, was their wedding anniversary. They've been married for 34 years. So how will this tribute fit in with a confession? Easy, I called them on Saturday, not to wish them a happy anniversary, but to complain about something lame...again. I am such a brat and my parents are such amazingly GOOD people. I confess I love my parents and am in awe of them. I can be very stubborn and proud, but they always remind me of what's important.

My parents would do ANYTHING for their children. They have done everything they could to give us opportunities and to lighten the loads and burdens we carry. I say we and us meaning my brothers and sisters and myself. But I suppose it will be easier for me to just talk for myself. I wouldn't be who or what I am today without their examples of faith, love, and sacrifice.

*Both of my parents are amazing examples of magnifying their church responsibilities. They have always served in whatever capacity they have been asked without complaint or hint of a murmur.
*Whenever I call them in despair about some lame aspect of my life they listen and love me no matter how flippant and rude I can be in return.
*I get chills thinking about all the things my parents have gone without just to provide better things for their children--college expenses, cars, houses, opportunities for travel and other forms of exploration.
*They have their priorities where they should be. I wish I could learn that from them, this idea of always knowing what comes first and not compromising on what is so important--even if it's less popular.
*They're absolutely selfless.

Mostly, I think of my parents and how they share what they know to be true. I am so grateful that they know God and Jesus Christ and have helped me learn about them and know them also. Our family has had challenges--some seem small compared to what others have to go through--but I really do believe it has been my parents faith and dedication to living righteous lives that have made our family so strong and come through our challenges. My parents taught us to love one another. I feel so supported by them and all my brothers and sisters. We don't fight-we discuss and most of the time end up laughing. I thought all families were like mine pretty much until I moved away from home and realized just how special my family is. I'm just so grateful.

I confess...

2008-03-16T01:25:00.002-04:00

3/14 I've been a swimmer since I was a wee girl. In high school I was competing a lot in summer and winter. I became accustomed to shaving very often. I know some swimmers grow it out to help create drag, but I've never been one of those crazy people. I like my legs bic'd. When I moved away to college I wasn't swimming as regularly. When cooler weather rolled around I remember thinking, "huh! I don't have to shave!" Not true, Not true!! I soon discovered that I cannot sleep at night if my legs are prickly. My roommates soon learned that sometimes I'll just have to take a shower at 2 am if I want to sleep. I have come a long way though. Sometimes I can go three days and still be OK. After 4 I can become desperate. I have also learned that sometimes when I get stressed with work or whatever--my life--my nighttime shaving rituals can help me de-stress and I feel more refreshed, even clear. And yes, it's 2am.

3/15 When I was in middle school I would write stories. Well, maybe I should say I'd start writing stories. I'm not sure if any were ever finished, but I had a few. I read a lot and I remember thinking I'd like to write stories. I don't remember any of the stories now, but I just know I had notebooks filled with junk. I also remember my sister Sarah, using one of my stories for an English assignment. I'm sure she jazzed it up and made it work for her assignment (pretty sure this was when she was in high school--Mr Simmers Sarah?) I think it was a story about a girl named Shannon who was going to a party. I'm pretty impressed that I remember this. It just came to me today. There is a chance those notebooks are at home in box...perhaps where they should stay. Gosh I hope those stories never surface!

3/16 The reason I thought of those stories was because I was having some trouble sleeping--2 am, legs now smooth--and I've been wondering if perhaps I should choose another career. I've become a little overwhelmed lately with my clients and so I was laying awake wondering what other jobs I would like to do. That brought me back to my dream career of childhood. I also need to recognize that It's really late, I've now worked 14 days in a row for at least 8 hours a day--some longer, and I'm DONE!! It's exhausting. (Ironically, Amy Winehouse's Rehab just started playing...seriously I cannot get away from my work!! OK, I just put on America.) I do really love the field I am in. I need to find some new outlets, new supports if you will. Lately I've been working a lot, it's intense, and when I get home it all just sits in my head. I'm carrying it and I've always been able to leave it, so something has changed and it needs to change back!! No worries people, I'm on it. Just as soon as I can get my mind to relax long enough to fall asleep.

Lent Confessions 3/11, 3/12, 3/13 and I'm up to date

2008-03-13T09:10:00.004-04:00

* I got an honorable mention in a high school art show. I loved my 3-D design class and got to work with paper, wire, clay, plaster, abstract whatever...it was such a great class. I had 3 things entered in the art show: a really cool coil pot, one that I threw on a wheel, and then this really funky head made out of paper. I got the honorable mention for the paper head. It had different faces all over it-from whatever angle you could see. I really loved it but was surprised it got the honorable mention (I thought the coil pot would do better) because the base was also made out of paper and I had to do that really quickly. It was very unsteady (top-heavy) and kept falling over. Maybe they propped it up on something. But yeah, I confess I love doing this kind of art.

* I once dyed my hair dark brown. This stemmed from a moment of anger as I sat in a classroom at UVSC and realized that everyone looked the same. I hated this moment. I always had a hard time fitting in out there and felt like I had to do something to "bust out". (see previous post here) The following weekend, Summer at Shep Studio (greatest place in P-town), dyed my hair dark. I loved it! My eyes looked really striking, at the same time every time I passed a mirror I was startled. I felt like I was in a disguise and should be wearing a trench coat and dark sunglasses sitting in a park reading a newspaper waiting for a bag-drop. My mother was horrified and kept telling me that others dye their hair to look like mine (oh, you mean like all the people in that classroom?) So I promised her I wouldn't do it again--for a while. It faded after a few months--I mean, I am a natural blonde.

* I used to say things, by that I mean lie, and it's almost like I couldn't stop it. The words would come out of my mouth, I'd realize it wasn't true, but it was too late. Then it was always really embarrassing to say, "oh yeah, none of what I just said is true by the way." This was very rare, and always about something totally unnecessary and stupid. For example, (this is for you Alison), once I went out to dinner with my friends Jake and Alison. We went to the Pie near the U of U--LOVE that place!!! We were talking about working at pizza places. Before I knew it I had created a story about working at a place called Joes Pizza and I had created a bunch of really lame details. What's funny about this is that I was rolling my eyes at myself as the lies were flowing from my mouth. It wasn't even a cool story!!!! It was annoying. So I guess I could add now, that I can't remember a time since then...and that was years ago. Maybe I grew out of it. I was so annoyed by the lameness of my lie that It never happens now. I don't think.

Now I'm really stuck on this lying thing. I've always been a terrible liar! I hated it when this happened. I learned early on that if I lie, I get caught, I feel stupid. This was NOT something that I thought was funny or cute. When these situations would occur I would feel SO SO SO stupid for DAYS after. I'm not kidding. Believe me when I say I cannot lie. Even if you don't know me, you'll know I'm lying. It's that bad.

two true stories

2008-03-11T15:40:00.003-04:00

when I was a freshman in high school I was leaving the cafeteria on my way to gym. The halls were always crowded and I was trying to avoid the masses of people. I was hurrying to the locker room when I didn't notice something everyone else was avoiding. Before I realized what happened I was on the ground. I jumped up pretty quickly, still confused. Then I noticed what happened. I had slipped on some throw-up right in front of the doorway to the bathroom. I fled inside immediately, completely embarrassed. I remember Colleen Kelly and Joyce Detrich following me in to make sure I was ok. Colleen was telling me to just go home, I got the rest of the day off. I washed my flip-flops in the bathroom sink and cleaned off my shorts and then I went to class late. Little did I realize that Stas Katula was right next to me when it happened and he had immediately gone into his senior government class which had my older brother Chris and all his friends. Stas reported what happened and the whole school knew, it seemed, before I even got out of the bathroom. While i waited for my ride home at the end of the day, I was shocked with how many people walked down the huge Y stairs and came over to me. Some were laughing as they asked if I was ok, others were just complementing the fact that I was still in school. Then Chris and Dave came down those stairs, looked at me, shook their heads, then asked "did that really happen?" yes. yes it did. and yes, i probably should've gone home.

when I was a freshman in high school there was a senior who had a crush on me. Eric Jankoviak. Eric Jankoviak was a big guy. Probably 6'5" 220 at least, but he wasn't an athlete. He dressed in 70's leisure suits with huge collars that he left open so you could see his stylin' chains and chest hair. His shoes were AMAZING! He also had flowing feathered hair that bounced in the breeze as he walked swiftly down the hallway. I still remember seeing him flying towards me, hair blowing freely like wings, and me ducking into the nearest room. I thought he was an interesting guy, but I didn't want to go out with him (nor was I allowed to if I wanted to. no dating until I was 16). I still remember that horrifying conversation when I had to make that really clear. I felt kind of bad. Not my type, but what a unique character!! I heard that at his prom he had a spot light on him when the YMCA came on. These were the guys who liked me in high school.

Sunday Catch-up

2008-03-09T14:09:00.002-04:00

So I've fallen behind in my confessions. I think I owe at least three...y'all have no idea how hard this is. I've started so many confessions and then had to stop because they were way too personal, and although I'm calling these confessions, I am not Catholic and I do not wish to expose anything too personal or damaging. I'm also on a time crunch today and I have to be at work in 20 minutes...so I can't think to hard about these. This is good. Shallow and harmless--here we go.

* When I brush my teeth at night I often let all the foam just drip down my chin so I look much like a rabid animal. When it builds up more I'll lean over the sink so that it'll just go right down the drain. Spitting is not necessary--maybe once or twice.

* I'm always on time. I'm usually the one who has to wait for everyone else. Sometimes I'll even try to be late. I'm usually still there before everyone else. It's actually really annoying. Not that everyone's late, but that I can never be.

* I have a secret, a guilty pleasure if you will, that I don't tell too many people. I love Nine Inch Nails first album, Pretty Hate Machine. Trent has always been a little disturbing, but this is before he got really disturbing. I guess the reason I don't think this is a good thing is because it's really NOT "virtuous, lovely, or of good report" and I'm trying to cut those things out. I don't have room in my life for anything that's going to fill me with anything dark or loathsome. But you know how sometimes you just want to go dark and loathsome? or maybe that's just me.

my first secretive confession...unless you already knew

2008-03-06T21:31:00.003-05:00

This is a very personal confession. My favorite feature on guys consists of the shoulder upper back combo. Not only is it hard to describe, but I couldn't find good pictures to illustrate what I'm talking about either. So I'll try to describe with the less-than-ideal pictures I could find... This here is Roger Federer--he's graced the blog a few times--and he's a great example of what I'm talking about. Have you ever noticed the way the t-shirt hangs on an athletes shoulders? Tennis and soccer players are excellent examples because they usually have a lot of lean muscle mass and the shirt just hangs perfectly.
This is not such a great example but it's the closest to the back as I could find. But imagine when his arms are down and you can see the indentations of the muscles in the shoulder and around the blades...there's that space between the blades...it's pretty sexy. that's all I'm saying.
I'm going to have you try to ignore the stomach here (although difficult) it's not what I'm talking about. There's an ok side view of his shoulder blade...not too bad.
No idea who this guy is, but here you can see the the way the shirt bunches in the middle. THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I love it. I think one reason I find this so attractive is because I've always believed that swimmers have the best bodies, and their shoulders and backs are AMAZING!!!! plus, if your shoulders and back look this good all other muscles are probably pretty proportioned--

legs are the exception and a different story altogether (we all know how tough it is for a guy to have good legs). I'm a sucker for good legs as well. When it comes to legs, I'm a strong believer that it's almost completely up to genetics. You either have the genes for good legs or you don't. We've all seen those guys at the gym spending so much time on their legs but it's not working out for them. This is because of the calves. Good luck guys.

two more

2008-03-04T15:01:00.003-05:00

3/3

Yesterday I ate ice cream cake for lunch and that was it. It was really good. It was carvel and had the amazing cookie crumb center thing going on. mmm mm m

3/4

In 5th grade I participated in a HUGE talent show. It was in front of the whole 5th grade. I had a couple friends...I can only remember Heather...who decided to put together a little act. We did a little lip sync and dance to Madonna's "Like a Prayer". It was awesome. We had perfect dance moves...this is also the beginning of my dance crew movement. I am looking to start a new dance crew (what with a talent show coming up and all). I will hold auditions soon, I'll send out a text with a location. get ready for the streets.

Confession: My love affair with music

2008-03-02T23:51:00.001-05:00

This is my favorite song right now. I often have people commenting to me about the music I like. Sometimes people seem impressed, like they think I have good taste or I know a lot of music. I love music. I was thinking about this and realized that I go to music at times to "fill me" or something. Like if I'm upset about something my music cannot be loud enough and it addresses my problem perfectly. It's hard to explain, but it's reliable. It's a pretty good replacement for more meaningful relationships. It's pretty safe and doesn't let me down. I have started to think though, that I should take some of the time and money I invest in music and put it towards relationships with people. Like real people...not my imaginary friends who understand so perfectly.

confession 3/1

2008-03-02T23:35:00.001-05:00

I watched the Oscars last week. I've never watched the Oscars. It was really really long. Not worth all the hype in my opinion. But one thing I did see that I thought was amazing was Glen and Marketa performing this song live with the orchestra. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I'm glad they won. Other than that, not proud of watching ALL of the Oscars. (I'd link to the Oscars performance but it won't let me...)

Confession 2/29

2008-02-29T15:19:00.003-05:00

Sometimes (everything starts with sometimes) I use the groups I get to facilitate for my own purposes. For example, Today. Every Friday I have a group I facilitate called "Dating and Relationships." I know it's funny. When I learned this would be one of my groups I was sure this was the universe's way to mess with me. And congratulations universe, you win!

Back to today. I was talking with some co-workers this morning about how important it is in relationships to actually allow yourself to be vulnerable. This is something I don't think I have EVER done. I just won't go there. I won't lower the defenses long enough to be really vulnerable. I'm permanently in my "safe zone" or at least that's what we're calling it in group. Because, yes I did, I used this idea for my group. It was one of the best groups we've had. Everyone was awake and engaged. We had lists on the board of what the positive results are of allowing yourself to be vulnerable: personal growth, friendships, wisdom, trust, encouragement, love, acceptance. What we fear about being vulnerable: rejection, hurt, disappointment, criticism, feeling unworthy, judged and labeled. Then we talked about how to over come the fear or how some sense of safety is developed...our safe zones...and then when those walls are lowered. It was awesome. Everyone was very enthusiastic about the group and claimed to learn a lot. So perhaps my motivation wasn't entirely selfish because it effects everyone. But then, maybe I'm just selfish.

this is like two confessions, i just realized.

Confession 2/28

2008-02-29T15:06:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get the sense that people think I'm pretty social. What I find interesting is that sometimes I just want to stay home. I think I've made a lot of progress and now I like these social activities a little more. But still, (I'm going to steal a line from my friend Peg), sometimes I feel like an introvert escapading as an extrovert.

Lent Confession 2/27

2008-02-27T14:51:00.003-05:00

My freshman year in high school I was swimming in the biggest meet of the year. I was swimming the 400 free relay. For some reason I wasn't paying attention to how many laps we were swimming (or something...who knows why) and I dove in on Heather Rogers who had only completed her 50. I disqualified the relay. My team was disappointed but not too mean to me. I cried the whole way home.

My Sophomore year in high school I was swimming in the biggest meet of the year. The previous year I had DQ'd an important relay (see story above) and I was being reminded of it by everyone! I starting the back stoke leg of the 200 mixed medley relay, LIKE I ALWAYS DID, but this year I was so afraid of repeating the horrific past. I knew that I just had to do 2 quick laps and i was done...but then the announcer/official guy said that each swimmer will swim 4 laps of the following strokes...then he started the race. So I'm freaking out at this point because what I thought I knew was now derailed. "I'm supposed to do 2, but he said 4, what do I do, what do I do" I kept thinking as I swam. To make a long story short, I DQ'd another relay. And this time everyone was mad at me. Especially Emily Marcheski.

It's frustrating to tell these stories because of how stupid it is or was. It's NOT a difficult thing to know how many laps you're supposed to swim. Especially when you're not new to the sport and you've competed in the same relays for like 8 years (at that time). But I still can't tell you why it was so hard to figure out. Maybe the fact that I always felt nauseous at the smell of chlorine and indoor pools had something to do with it. I was always SO NERVOUS!! Like inconsolably nervous for meets--and I competed for a really long time.

Confession 2/26

2008-02-26T21:59:00.002-05:00

I have no idea when Lent ends. These confessions could go on forever. I guess I need to research some of my bright ideas before I just dive right in. (I realize this information is easily obtainable, I just found it really funny)

Confession 2/25

2008-02-26T09:01:00.002-05:00

I went to bed really late last night. I watched step up 2 and then danced in my room while I cleared a spot for me on my bed. Some people sing in the shower, I have dance parties of one in my room.

Confession 2/24

2008-02-24T14:46:00.002-05:00

I decided that I would train for the Lake Winnipesaukee half marathon coming up this spring. I'm scared to death. I'm not a runner. I'm a swimmer. I often quit things before the idea even gets rolling. So now I've told you all. I will be accountable. Shoot.

Confession 2/23

2008-02-24T14:42:00.002-05:00

It has been discovered that if you keep me talking late into the night, at around 2 or 3am I will be sleep deprived and loopy enough to answer anything you ask with shameful honesty. The defenses are down.

Confession 2/22

2008-02-24T14:41:00.000-05:00

I desperately seek my family's approval. especially my moms.

Confession 2/21

2008-02-21T18:51:00.001-05:00

I used to be afraid to talk to the person at the bowling alley and tell them my shoe size. I was also afraid to call and order pizza. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, but i didn't want to do it. I wish I was still afraid of that one. It's one fear I should not have overcome.

Lent Confession 2/20

2008-02-20T16:09:00.003-05:00

When I was in college, sophmore year, I dropped a bowling class because it was at 8am. That same semester I struggled to pass a foods class--I hoped it would be like foods in high school and it was actually a lot harder (missing class dropped me to a C but I got it back up). Same semester I took an intro to guitar class. Upon arriving I learned my professor had a "grade-yourself" philosophy. I got out with an A and could only play a really rough "You Are My Sunshine." My favorite class that semester was volleyball but it was on Friday's at 10 which interfered with our Friday brunch so I tried to skip out and had to convince the woman to give me an A-. And every Wednesday I had snowboarding. That was a great semester!

Confession 2/19

2008-02-19T18:44:00.002-05:00

I once left a note on a guys car. I really liked him. That's about as bold as I've ever been (I was 22). I need to be a little more brave.

Confession 2/18 **favorite so far...

2008-02-18T16:30:00.005-05:00

When I was in 4th grade I was outside riding my bike with my sister Sarah, my friend Shara and some other street rats. It was a boring Saturday afternoon and we'd already gone around the neighborhood a few times. Our neighborhood was one of those cookie cutter suburban neighborhoods where there were a few model homes and then all the houses in the neighborhood were adaptations of those few models. The neighborhood was still new, it was called Fountain Glen, and I'd been inside some of the model homes with my mom and loved how fancy they all looked with fake food and furniture.

So like I was saying, we had been riding around for a while and boredom was starting to kick in. Somehow we found ourselves on the front lawn of one of the model homes. We chatted a bit in the front yard and thought about how cool it'd be to go play inside. Luckily, someone found an open window on the side of the house. I remember that Shara went first and I was scared to DEATH!! I knew I was NOT supposed to go inside that house. But Shara was fun so I went in after her. We shimmied in the window and onto the floor of the dining room. Shara took off upstairs while I looked around the main floor. I don't think we were in the house for very long when a red truck pulled into the drive way. We freaked out! As fast as we could, we reverse-shimmied back out the window. We slowly walked toward the front of the house (which was stupid-we should have just stayed in the back, I remember thinking that) but the man in the truck had seen us. He came over to greet us not-so-warmly. There we were, straggly haired, probably dressed in hand-me-downs with suspicious scowls on our faces. He pulled out a Polaroid camera and TOOK OUR PICTURE!!! I remember him asking where our parents were (we were smart enough to lie) and then he told us that if anything was missing in the house we'd be in trouble with the police. I think I burst into tears as soon as I was back on my bike. My sister Sarah, two years younger, handled it a lot cooler than I did. Both she and Shara were telling me not to worry about it; that nothing was going to happen. I went straight home, put back on my roller skates and played in the garage where I belonged.

(I still know exactly which house was...it's still there, but not a model...this is like 1987-88ish. This is a very dark spot on my childhood history. But it's to be expected. You already know what kind of role models I sought after (see blog below)).

Lent Confession 2/17

2008-02-17T18:43:00.003-05:00

When I was in elementary school, in the harsh neighborhoods just outside D.C., I remember fondly library day. I still remember certain mornings my mother sending me off to school reminding me that today I'd go to the library. I had my purple cloth bag I used as a school bag and off I'd skip to school.

What I don't think my mother ever knew was that I'd often check the same two books out of the library. Both were about the up and coming stardom of two female vocalists: Madonna and Cyndi Lauper.
I remember looking through the many photos mezmerized by the fashion and "beauty" that I was in awe of. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.

I also recall my first music video EVER in 3rd grade. I was at my friend Lavinia's house (she was Indian) and we were watching MTV. I remember Bon Jovi running across the stage, hair flowing in the wind, holding fast to the microphone stand, singing Living On A Prayer. I still love that song!

Lent Confessional 2/16

2008-02-16T22:17:00.001-05:00

I love black jelly beans.

Confession 2/15

2008-02-15T14:57:00.004-05:00

MTV's the Real World is a pretty crazy show I hear. I haven't seen it in years. But I do remember watching bits of London and then the one in Paris. All because of this guy: I have a big fat crush on C.T. and have since Paris. He's the actual reason I moved to Boston. And I'm so glad there's another Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet for me to waste away my brain, watching some of my favorite MTV characters...mostly C.T. and Coral. They are why I watch and why I'll continue to watch.

I just love that I don't have to faithfully watch because eventually they'll show the whole thing in marathon fashion and I'll just waste away one afternoon. Thanks to my sick day yesterday, and the lack of creative ideas on MTV I was able to get all caught up!

Confession 2/14

2008-02-14T17:37:00.004-05:00

This confession isn't going to be very good but let's see what comes out of my ranting. I was up sick ALL night long. Yes. Gross. Horrible. Exhausting. I decided, however, that I didn't want to take a sick day since I'm taking off Monday. I decided to try to go into work late. PLUS I was supposed to go to the Boston Ballet tonight. They're opening Romeo & Juliet. To make a long story short, I made it to work and fifteen minutes later (ten in the bathroom) was on my way home again. I also called to give up my ticket to the ballet (a tear slowly fell down her face). My confession?

I'm not the superwoman I think I am and sometimes I get sick. I know it's hard to hear, but it's true. Please don't be disappointed in me.

that and my first concert was New Kids On The Block in 4th grade. And HONESTLY, I was never a fan. My friend Valarie just really wanted to go and I really wanted to go to a concert. I remember I wore my Sverige is Fantastik T-shirt and Danny was swinging from the rafters. Really. That's all I remember.

Lent Confession 2/13

2008-02-13T13:30:00.005-05:00

sometimes I'll buy a huge bag of trailmix at costco. usually, after about a week or so, I'll end up picking out all the m&m's and raisins. this part makes me happy. then I'm left with a huge boring bag of nuts. what am I supposed to do with that?

Lent Confession 2/12

2008-02-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

I used to be jealous of Stephanie on full house. I think it had something to do with her being around my age, I thought her hair was pretty, she was always dressed in 80's galore, and she always got so much attention. I felt a little competitive (back then--not now).

I also felt like Punky Brewster and I were friends. No jealousy there. We had a connection.

Confession 2/11

2008-02-11T18:17:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I have to put myself on food logs. I'm not sure why, but sometimes I have very little self-control. I'll eat the whole bag of something or just keep picking in different things until it's time to end the day. At the same time, other days I'll eat very little. The food log is a way to keep me honest. I really DID eat 5 peanut butter cups and that's embarrassing, shaming even. If I have to write it down I'm not going to do it. There will be no evidence of just how bad my eating habits are.

I should probably start another food log today.

Confession 2/10

2008-02-10T23:16:00.000-05:00

These confessions are going to be a lot harder than I thought.

my confession for this sunday:

When I was a sophmore in high school I had an English teacher named Mr. Simmers. Every spring he planned a fishing trip at Conowingo Dam. This was a special event because there was a hand full of "cool kids" who loved that Mr. Simmers probably smoked more pot than they did. Each year a group would accompany Mr. Simmers and it became quite memorable. I've never been one who loves fishing. This trip, my sophmore year of high school, was my first fishing trip EVER. My friend Tara was dating some guy--one of the afore-mentioned "cool kids" and so we decided to go along. It was all guys and then Tara and I. We didn't have any gear so our friend Pete Fountain (it's amazing how I remember these details) said we could use his as long as we brought our own bait and hooks and stuff. Tara and I decided to head over to a Woolworths nearby (no longer there...is there a woolworths anywhere?). I remember Tara and I looking in the fishing isle trying to decide what we needed. We kept looking at these fake fish looking things that I guess one would use on their line. Do you know what I'm talking about? They're elasticy, colorful fake fish. And they weren't really cheap. Tara and I were debating about what to do when she just looked at me and said, "put it in your pocket." I just looked at her. What?!?!? She just looked back and shook her head, then she slipped one in my pocket and put some her in pockets as well. I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. We left the store.

I am a shoplifter.

ok, just that one time. never did it again...i don't think. And then Tara and I began the grand tradition of Mr. Simmers fishing trip each spring.

Lent Confessional Catch-up

2008-02-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

I like lent. I am not a catholic, but I think it's a neat idea to go without or give something up for these next few weeks. I was talking to some co-workers the other day about what to give up for lent. I was driving home yesterday, crawling along in terrible traffic, when a BRILLIANT idea came to me. I'm sick of blogging. But I like my blog. For Lent I am going to give up a bit of my pride. I am going to humble myself, take a look at the real me, and offer up a confession a day. Posted right here. On my blog.

As I thought about this, I realized that really this may be the reverse of actually humbling myself, because as I thought about my first few confessions I'd post (I'm a few days behind) I realized that although these are often things I keep to myself, they are also things that I kind of like about me. These are the things that make me cute, unique, likeable even. I really do believe it's our nerdiness that ultimately makes us attractive. That and insane amounts of confidence.

THAT BEING SAID:

Confession 2/6

I have been sucked into Veronica Mars on DVD courtesy of my roommate who received season one for Christmas and when I made fun of her challenged me to try to get through the first few episodes and stop. She wins. I also have to give a shout out to Seth, my VM watching confidant. Sorry I outed you. I'm now half way through season two and loving every second of it. Why is this confession worthy? I'd like people to think that I'm not easily sucked into soap opera like teenage dramas. But I must confess: I'm still in high school mentally. Veronica Rules!!

Confession 2/7

I haven't vacuumed my car since July. It's completely disgusting. I'm repulsed by its filth, yet I do nothing. and I am embarrassed when people get inside. If you have been one of my victims, I apologize. I'll clean it. soon.

Confession 2/8

Today I went to blockbuster near my work with a co-worker. I haven't been to a video store in a while. I left with the latest Amanda Bynes movie. Sidney White. It's a redone Snow White type thing. I watched half of it this afternoon. I love this kind of stuff--not all the time, but I do think it's better then--oh I don't know--27 Dresses. It's much better quality. She IS the man.

Confession 2/9

Sometimes I argue just to argue. I could agree with you and still question your perspective just to mess with you. This is mostly done to people who irritate me. They are also usually the types who get all worked up and crazy like if someone disagrees with them.

All Smiles

2008-01-16T20:53:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited for my new playlist!!! Let me know what you think! Music always makes me so happy!

Refresh!

2008-01-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

I decided to unprivatize my blog. I never went to my blog because I had to log in every single time. Maybe I'm just lazy, but I never wanted to add to it. So it's open again. I don't like thinking I'm writing towards specific people (those on the list of approved readers). If I wanted to tell these people something I can call them or email them. This blog is for something else. Not sure what. But I like the idea of sharing some thoughts, ideas, pictures, or stories with people who might NOT know me so well. I don't even know if that happens--nor do I wish to--I just like it being a possibility. And then I like that my close family and friends can also check in on me a little.

So, unprivatized. Next step is for me to update my playlist. I've had this one going for a while and there is a great need for new music. I've burned CD's for people who've requested them, and I've been working for a few weeks now on potentials for my new list. COMING SOON!!

Every once in a while I have moments where I'm my favorite version of myself. These come without planning, without expectation, and without guilt. I love it. It's when I laugh freely, share without forethought, and experience each feeling, sense, or reaction for what it is. It's refreshing and helps me to hope or believe that I haven't lost myself too much with the monotonous day to day routines which find me cloaked in some role I'm playing for whichever task is at hand.

I was able to spend some time this weekend with some members of my family. One of my favorite things is to sit around and talk with them. It's the perfect balance of seriousness and humor, teasing and love, intellect and silliness all at the same time. Just sitting with Chris, Tiff, Dave, and Tiffany, playing games, talking politics, watching movies, eating, catching eachothers glances and reactions to our parents...priceless. It's like hitting a refresh button for me. Then they can send me back to my liberal playground.

Elise and Sarah--you were missed.

Living the Questions

2007-12-24T11:13:00.000-05:00

Lately I feel like I've lost my footing. I stumble a lot in my journey through life, but it's an exciting adventure usually. Lately I've just felt "off" and instead of catching myself after I trip on uneven pavement, I hit my knee on a proverbial brick wall to keep from falling down completely. Either way there's a sting of pain.

This weekend was awesome though. I feel like I got a bit of myself back. My parents drove up from Maryland to spend the weekend and holiday with me. We were able to put together a smashing smorgasbord for several of my friends. It was such a fun event. It was a great reminder of the many wonderful friends I am surrounded by who bless my life. (Even those who were already out of town or couldn't make it for other reasons--I am just grateful for so many positive relationships in my life.) My parents and sister went to church together and had a great Sunday!

Today I'm thinking about a few different things. My friend Seth introduced me to a great quote by Thomas Paine:

"There are certain circumstances, which, at the time of their happening, are kind of riddles, and as every riddle is to be followed by its answer, so those kind of circumstances will be followed by their events, and those events are always the true solution. A considerable space of time may lapse between, and unless we continue our observations from the one to the other, the harmony of them will pass away unnoticed: But the misfortune is, that partly from the pressing necessity of some instant things, and partly from the impatience of our own tempers, we are frequently in such a hurry to make out the meaning of every thing as fast as it happens, that we thereby never truly understand it; and not only start new difficulties to ourselves by so doing, but, as it were, embarrass Providence in her good designs."

I love this. I have been in such a hurry that I have not understood "Providence in her good designs" and may have started several new difficulties. But what I love the most is that as I realize this, I can change it. It reminds me of my favorite quote right now from Rilke's Letters To A Young Poet:

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I love this too. It has a way of helping me relax, let go of some of my impatience and uneven temperament. I'm excited for the new year. I'm hoping that I'll be able to live the questions, letting go of my own interpretations and meanings. Won't that be a beautiful thing!!

Footing a little bit more settled.

My special Christmas Greeting: It NEVER Gets Old!

2007-12-22T14:59:00.001-05:00

This will forever warm my heart and give me peace and joy. I hope it makes you laugh out loud and wish your friends and parties were just like this.

Snow Day!

2007-12-16T10:33:00.000-05:00

I really love the snow. The last few winters in Boston haven't been that bad. This winter is already shaping up to be a doozy and I'm really excited about it. Last Thursday we had a great snow fall!

I got out of work early and 2 hours later was finally home. I live at the top of a hill and pretty much any road you try to take is steep. I had difficulty making it to my house, but finally did. I had a friend coming over too and it was an adventure to brainstorm ways to spin up hill and criss-cross to find more traction. Once we finally go to my house we decided to hike back down the hill to go find food. Silly me, I hadn't been grocery shopping in a long time and we were going to starve. It was an adventure. I love wintry hikes especially when I get back to my house and It's warm and cozy inside. Thursday after we got back to my house it was great to hear the snow and wind outside and just love being home. Eventually you have to go back outside and try to dig out cars, but even that can be fun.

Today is Sunday. I woke up and there is more snow and a lot of wind. I looked out my window and noticed none of our streets are plowed and it's still coming down. I know my bishop refuses to cancel church but I also didn't want to slide down hill and then not be able to get up (let alone trying to dig out my car...) My roommate Katy and I decided it would be best to stay in. We drank hot chocolate, made pumpkin pancakes, and decided to decorate our house a bit for Christmas. We sat down in our living room to check the weather channel and we received the greatest gift in the history of snowstorms...An Anne Of Green Gables Marathon!!!! Wahoo!!!

Which leads me to the greatest movies list for snow days and sick days when I was a kid:

*Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea: Anne with an E is one of the greatest characters ever. and let's face it, Gilbert was always a cutie. Katy and I are laughing out loud right this very second! Anne just wailed on Gilbert with her slate and is now in the depths of despair because she dyed her hair green! So Brilliant! Being smart is better than being good looking!

*Jane Austin's anything: my personal favorites are Emma and Mansfield Park. I find that for some reason I feel a connection with Emma--like I understand her foibles, they are much like my own.

*Farris Bueller's Day Off: the day we all wish we had the guts to follow through on in high school.

*Goonies: I never get sick of that one. Goonies never say die. Never.

Our Christmas decorations are coming along nicely and cheaply. I bought three fake little trees and put some lights and bulbs on them in the corner. They're small and cute. I love poinsettias, so we have a few of those. We also have more lights and garland. We're trying to decide what to do with it. Next Saturday my parents are going to be here. We're going to have a holiday dinner at my house. My mom is Swedish and my Dad German so we like to put out a great spread of European cheeses, breads, and all kinds of holiday food. mmm...m...m!! Siblings, I wish you were going to be here.

Leaf Removal 2007

2007-12-03T21:01:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my back yard in Maryland. It's beautiful, and the colors are always amazing. The problem is that all the leaves fall down. Leaf Removal goes in several stages. Grandpa rallies the troops and then all the magic happens.
This was Max's first opportunity to "help" with leaf removal. Really it was his first introduction to just how great it is to rake all the leaves in huge piles and then jump in them. (a must experience for any child)
Amanda, Max and I were raring to go when grandpa made the call that it was time to brave the cold air.
The Key Players:

Grandpa "I'll show you how it's done" Rueckert

This here's a leaf blower.

The wee Family: Dave, Tiffany, Shmeese and Schwab

JCrew photo shoot #437.
Max "you don't need to show me twice" Rueckert

The leaf roller.

Linda "Wannabe a Chimney Sweep" Rueckert

Amanda "are we done yet" Rueckert

making it all happen.

Dave: "Look Max, These are leaves. We're going to put them in a pile and then you get to mess it all up!"
Max: "Ga!"

...and you jump in like this....
and then you roll around...
and then we throw more leaves on top of you until you're drowning in them. We continue until the laughing turns to whimpering.

and then you get out and we do it all again.

Easy Street

2007-11-29T08:08:00.001-05:00

Oh where to begin! I was at a friends house last night and she had just purchased this movie and it had been FOREVER so I really enjoyed watching my favorite scenes. This may be the top of the list.

I dedicate this to Dave and Tiffany. We're all looking to live on Easy Street, Dave sounds like Tim Curry, we have some great dance moves, and we all want to sing! SO I propose we recreate this at the very next possible opportunity.

All the rest of you can just enjoy a trip down memory lane.

Sweet Mother of Mystery!!

2007-11-26T21:20:00.000-05:00

(5 points for anyone who can identify the character I have in mind saying the above title.)

I recently received one of the best gifts I've possible EVER received. This weekend I had a wonderful time going home to visit my family. My sister-in-law Tiffany had mentioned to me that she was going through all of her belongings and getting rid of a lot of stuff AND she had some stuff for me. I feel the need to clarify here, for those who may not know Tiffany, that she and I have a good time together. We tend to agree on situational humor and often when one of us encounters something truly humorous or intriguing we usually can bank on the other person appreciating it in the same way.

That being said...

When Tiffany arrived with bag-o-goodies in hand I was at the edge of my seat! Tiffany has AMAZING belongings. She has a way of finding things that others could only imagine. I just hoped she had chosen to pass some amazing treasure on to me. She did NOT let me down.

Out of her overstuffed black trash bag she took out a small booklet. She then tossed it at me. As I looked to the small cover I read, How to Be Irresistible to Men: Beauty and charm guide for women of all ages." I kid you not! Brilliant!

(I also feel the need to clarify the nature of the giving and receiving of this gift. We get a kick out of this because its so ridiculous! I mean it's for pure...research purposes? I don't even think that allows for the right image. We just really enjoy things like this.)

This particular book was published in 1981, is 3 x 5 inches on the cover, and has 64 pages. This is a GEM! AND it has amazing illustrations. The back cover reads: This excellent handbook has all the secrets you need to transform yourself into a super-female, with a dynamic personality that will endear you to men of all ages.

I've only read a bit at the beginning so far. I mean, I don't want to overload myself with too much new information. But I've already come to my first worthy-of-a-blog-post point.

Smile...Talk...Touch...But Keep Your Distance. The writer refers to Nancy Reagan, Farrah Fawcett, Jackie Onassis, Liz Taylor, and more and asks the reader what makes them so irresistible to men. The writer answers: in a word--aloofness.

I quote:

"what does it mean? The nations leading "beautiful people" may be exquisitely garbed but their charm originates in being aloof. They will approach you, smile, talk politely, even touch you, and then move away and off the scene. Being aloof means keeping your distance! It is not coldness. Rather, it is a "magic ingredient" that will make any ordinary woman become instantly irresistible."

Isn't this fabulous! I cannot wait to increase my level of aloofness. I'm so going to take this over the top (just for research purposes). My aloofness will shame even George! Remember that "Seinfeld" episode when George decided that he had to leave people wanting more, so after making a funny joke or witty comment he would promptly exit with the phrase, "Okay, that's it for me folks, I'm outta here." I tried to find a clip of it on youtube, but could only find ten minute best of george clips.

Some of you may be wondering, how do I become more aloof? Let me highlight from our writer:

"Be friendly, but not to the point of being very intimate. When you maintain an invisible wall between the other person and yourself, you create an aura of mystery that is the key to a super-attractive personality. The secret here is that men are attracted to what seems distant to them...it is this very polite air of formality that lends an air of mystery to which nearly all men are known to succumb."

I think I love this because of how it's written. I wish I could read you these pages! But I think for those of you who know me well, you may be able to read the bits I've quoted with the right tone of voice. I just love it.

Let me leave you with this, "Be warm, be vibrant, be an exotic personality, but try to keep an invisible wall between yourself and others. You'll find that you become irresistible through this simple device."

AND THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!

coming soon: Intelligence vs. Irresistibility

Logical Fallacies

2007-11-23T13:26:00.000-05:00

I'm a nerd. I know.

Lately I've been thinking about logical fallacies. I think it started with me leading a group at work where we discussed beliefs people have about the world that are wrong. Yet we function under these beliefs because in our backgrounds we have learned that either these are correct or they should be. It's rather interesting. I wish I had the paper we were reading off of and I would tell you what they were, but the only ones I can remember now include that life should be fair and that everyone should follow the same behavioral standard we hold ourselves to. Both of these leave people feeling frustrated and angry because it's never going to happen. So there is a little background for you on why I've been thinking about my own faulty ways of thinking.

I remember being in high school and learning about logical fallacies and finding them rather humorous. I remember the idea of Inductive Arguments. For example:
Premise 1: Most American cats are domestic house cats.
Premise 2: Bill is an American cat.
Conclusion: Bill is domestic house cat.

I also remember a Deductive Fallacy
Premise 1: If Portland is the capital of Maine, then it is in Maine.
Premise 2: Portland is in Maine.
Conclusion: Portland is the capital of Maine.

I remember talking with my siblings and friends making up our own fallacies. So over the weekend I tried to do that again but found that my creativity was lacking. This made me sad. But I did come up with one real life example. I have recently been playing music exchange with a few friends. One friend told me that one band he didn't care for was stellastar*. I decided recently that stellastar* reminds me of The Cure. I therefore deduced that my friend could not possibly care for The Cure either. Anxious to text my hypothesis I sent him a text message inquiring if he was a fan of The Cure. He responded "not really." I was pretty amused. I was right, but at the same time realized that my logical approach to my hypothesis may not prove accurate when tested with more people. But in keeping with my logical fallacy mode of thinking I will just conclude that one who does not really like the cure will not really like stellastar*. It will look like this:

premise 1 Tom doesn't like The Cure.
premise 2 The Cure is like Stellastar*
conclusion: Tom doesn't like Stellastar*

I realize this whole thing is just stupid. But I like breaking things down like this. Then I called my brother David because I was so amused with myself and thought he could help me come up with some more funny fallacies. He did BETTER!!!! Love is a Fallacy by Max Shulman. Check this out:

http://www1.asknlearn.com/ri_Ilearning/English/631/elang-ilearning/page3a.htm

This is only one of the funniest, well written explanations of many errors in logic. We read it on Thanksgiving as a family and laughed with delight. All through out dinner as we talked about religion and politics I enjoyed pointing out hasty generalizations, post hoc, false analogies, dicto simpliciter and hypothesis contrary to the fact.

What I think I like the most about this is that it makes me think about how I think. I am guilty of many errors in logic. I recently resolved that I want to start a new group. One that would be about thinking. I could bring in short stories like Love is a Fallacy and the Lottery, mix it up with Aesop's Fables, and throw in some proverbs. I think it would be a valuable group to discuss how we think about things. I'm excited about this idea. But like I said before: I am a nerd.

I want to be a race car driver

2007-11-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been driving a lot. More than I'd like. I spend a lot of time on the freeway sitting in traffic to and from work. It pretty much sucks. a lot. I have also noticed that with all this driving frustration I feel a great desire to BUST OUT!!! By that I mean many different things. Sometimes bust out screaming at the car in front of me, other times bust out dancing to the fabulous new Top 40 cd a friend passed on to me (since I don't have any music like that), bust out singing--which I do often--loudly. When there is movement on the road, I want to bust out swerving around those people who feel the need to drive 55 mph on a freeway...it goes on.

I have also noticed that when I'm on a road and there isn't a lot of traffic I want to drive as fast as I can. I don't really think about it, I just do. I like to see how fast I can pass the car next to me. As I do so, I wonder why they aren't driving faster. I mean, we are all on the road because we want to get somewhere, right? We could all get there a little faster if we helped each other out. I love finding breaks in the heavy traffic driving home from work. Why do people feel the need to change lanes when they aren't passing a car? I find that I can actually drive faster in the far right lane then in the far left during high traffic times. I also pride myself on being very aware of my surroundings as I push 70 or 75 (here's to hoping) when cars around me are going like 60. I can time it pretty well and maneuver around them. It's like I'm a race car driver in a video game or something. What I need now is a nicer car.

I've also stopped obeying certain traffic rules. For example: lights that change when they don't need to--I've started to ignore them. If there is a pedestrian, by all means, I will stop and let them go. But if they aren't there, why should I stop for a blinking walk man on a street sign? I've also stopped slowing down for yellow and red lights. If the car in front of me goes, I don't care what color the light is, I'm going too. All those signs about not turning on red? Doesn't apply to me. I was taught to look both ways before crossing a street when I was in kindergarten. I have only perfected that since then and find it a useful tool when driving.

There are other things I laugh out loud about when driving. Like how I drive with my knees, text in my left hand as I switch songs or playlists around on my ipod in my right hand. This is pretty ridiculous. I feel the need to say here that I am not an idiot. I am actually a very safe driver. Lately I just want to push limits. This is such a lame way to do it, but it's better then some other things I could do. (and other things I'm not going to blog about)

As I write this I realize that I have some level of defiance surfacing (in a few different areas, not just driving). I sit in group therapy all day long and am pretty good at analyzing my own crap. I'm having a hard time being done in school, having a job, and realizing that this is my life. I think at times I feel that it's all wrong. I miss my previous life of rock climbing, long boarding, running in the mountains, swimming almost daily, spending time with friends that I love, and being close to my family. That was right. So until I figure out how to manage/balance/change what's happening now I have to BUST OUT!! I like some calculated risks, adventures, something exciting. Driving is just one feeble way I'm striving for SOMETHING. and that's pretty lame.

2007-10-30T09:18:00.000-04:00

I think it's funny how sometimes a person with go to great lengths to address an issue (or ignore it) to just have all that energy wasted as an element outside of the persons control contradicts all the work being done.

an example...

I work a few times a month at a center that specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. This place is very well known for it's work and philosophy in addressing this population. The rules for being a part of the program are very specific and detailed (as are the rules for working there). All these rules and regulations allow the program participants to live in a safe environment where they are supported in working to overcome their addictions and behaviors that feed the eating disorder. To accomplish this meals, conversations, activities, EVERYTHING is monitored and redirected when eating disorder behaviors are brought up.

So funny story...

I worked this weekend and I was pondering the severity of these many rules and regulations and debating the importance of them all (in my head) because these ideas fascinate me. We have carefully monitored all words and behaviors so as not to stir up someones issues. We go to the movies and sit down. Each person has their previously bagged snack to eat and are excited to get out of the house. As soon as we sit down the screen is showing those interesting pop-up facts and trivia which are always interesting. We are sitting for about thirty seconds and reading these facts (I did know that the name Wendy was created for Peter Pan and there were no records of a Wendy prior to that). So like I was saying...sitting for 30 seconds and guess what pops on the screen:

On average, a human will take in 600, 000 pounds of food during a lifetime. That's the equivalent of 6 elephants.

There was a quiet hush among our company, and then laughter. At least we can laugh about the absurdity. Seriously. True story. I love stuff like this!

My New Route

2007-10-25T20:03:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty excited about my new running route and so I wanted to show it off. I now work on the South Shore and I decided to pack my running stuff and go to the beach after work. It works out great because by the time I get home it's dark. So today, after my run, I decided to take some pictures: It's darker obviously because It's after my run, but the beach is nice and there is a paved sidewalk along the beach too so I can choose my surface!
There is even a little park at the end of my run that leads to a lake! How great is that?!?!

So yeah, a road goes along the sidewalk but on the other side of me it's the ocean, and on the other side of the road some fantastically quaint houses! So New England!

Now all I want is a good running partner. No one at work will run with me. The other day I met up with a friend and we went for a good run together. It's so much better when I can talk to someone and I forget how long I've been running or when I'm done or how much my foot hurts or whatever it is. For now it's just my ipod and me...

wish i was a screamer

2007-10-18T08:46:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to my friends house. We enjoyed taking her roommates cookies, eating sorbet and talking about our latest stories of triumph or woe. Eventually we found ourselves laughing and video clips on Youtube (thanks America's Most Stupidest Model). As we were loading our next video SCREAMS shattered our peaceful evening. This wasn't a single lonely scream. A woman outside was screaming--like in a horror movie. I find a few things interesting about this.

1. Have I become so desensitized that I didn't automatically spring from my comfortable place on the couch to see what was happening?

2. It took both my friend and I about 20 seconds and 4 lung-filled, silence shattering screams before I turned to my friend and said, "Is this normal for your neighborhood?"

a. My question implies that if this is normal this person does not need assistance.
b. But I think my first reaction was that this was a playful scream or something which also doesn't make sense.
c. What is wrong with me?!?!?!

So we go to the window and call out to see if she is OK. The girl is standing on her porch across the street and calls back to us. She explains that there was a man walking toward her with a gun pointed at her. There were people out on their porches finding out what was happening now. The girl had been walking home and just as she turned to her porch she saw the man coming with the gun so she screamed. Bloody loud I might add. She had a brilliant scream!!

This also has me thinking. I'm not a screamer. Granted I've never been in this situation before (or one comparable) but I know I'm not prone to screaming. The man bolted when she started screaming. What would I have done? I have a ridiculously exaggerated startle response. I've been known to automatically punch or react in some way when startled. But again- I'm not violent. I'll punch to prove a point (it's mostly people I know laughing at how easily startled I am) otherwise I just get really quiet and my heart pounds. I'm like DEFENSELESS!!! So I'm thinking about this. If I saw a guy coming toward me with a gun...I've decided by now I'd probably run. We were pretty close to Mass Ave, close to Harvard Square. I could've run up there-better lighting, more cars and people. I guess I'm bothered that I have no clue what I would've done in that moment. Probably run...probably. I wish I was a screamer.

All Good Things!

2007-10-15T19:01:00.000-04:00

1. Americas Most Smartest Model--I hate that I get sucked into such shows. It's not one I'll go out of my way to watch like The Office or America's Next Top Model, but if I am killing 20 minutes and it's on, I am HIGHLY entertained.

2. Salt-N-Pepa-- As I was watching AMSM there was an advertisement for the Salt-N-Pepa reunion show. How great is that?!?!?! Again, I probably won't watch it, but I had a great time "educating" one of my roommates on the duo. She'd never heard of them or heard any of their stuff...how is that possible?!

3. En Vogue --As I shared some S-n-P songs for my roommate, I was able to reminisce about other great music. Favorite song of 9th grade? Free your mind, En Vogue. It's still a good thing.

4. Border Cafe in Harvard Square - Although I miss Cafe Rio more than I should, I love this place. It's atmosphere beats Cafe Rio, I just really want a good salad.

5. Elder Holland - I guess I should say here that these things are NOT listed in order of importance. I LOVED hearing him speak so many times this weekend. It felt so personal and I really needed the pick-me-up. There is no way to do justice in explaining how much his words and presence effected me.

6. Good Friends - I know it's vague. But one thing Elder Holland mentioned in his first keynote address was the idea of looking to the right and left and learning from the people around us; Learning together. Throughout this weekend I was able to get some great new insights and ideas from wonderful friends that I really value.

7. Burdicks Hot Chocolate - Dark hot chocolate European style...sweetened yourself? mmm good.

8. New England Fall - apple picking, pumpkin festivals, head of the charles, foliage, jackets and sweaters, Salem, Halloween....

9. Hour Long Office Episodes

Such is the Life of a Boston Social Worker

2007-10-02T08:57:00.001-04:00

This weekend my brother left me a voicemail. I keep listening to it because that is how happy it makes me:

Hey Linda-What's up? Haven't talked to you for like a month--since you've been working in the professional world for a month as a ROMANTIC Social Worker. You probably spend additional hours volunteering at a local good will--wearing second-hand sweaters--eating oatmeal--maybe even adopted a stray cat--picked one up from a shelter...Such is the life of a Boston Social Worker! Give me a Call!

I wish I could communicate his voice-the intonation. So So Great!! Sadly, I haven't had a moment to call him back yet. I will today!

But I've decided that it may be a good idea (and cheaper for me) to embrace some of these ideas. I don't think volunteering at a good will is really my thing, but there are So many other great places to volunteer! Get involved in the community=eat and shop less=pay my bills. Don't think i want to adopt a cat, but hey-volunteer with children and it's kind of the same thing. Two things-DONE! Second-hand sweaters? I have a lot of sweaters already, how about i just don't buy anymore? I'm also going to throw in fan like, floor length skirts with funky patters. The louder the better--with Birkenstocks!!! ooh-I just got excited. Everyone will know just how much I CARE!!! Oatmeal...OK, well maybe cream of wheat. (sensing a theme here) Embrace my new poverty...Such is the life of a Boston Social Worker!

and my goodness isn't it Romantic!!

This made my weekend!

2007-09-30T22:26:00.001-04:00

My sister-in-law shared this with me on her blog and challenged her readers to try this out. Play a song and change your pose every second. I think it's a fabulous idea.

What I'd really like to do is recruit some friends to do this for a talent show or something. Wouldn't that be great! I can see it now...

US Open

2007-09-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

So a few weeks ago I did have the chance to go to the US Open in New York. My pictures aren't so great (I'm not the best photographer). Our seats were actually on the very last row of the stadium, but surprisingly I felt like I could watch the match fine and enjoy it thoroughly. We saw the two men's semifinal matches: Roger Federer (1) def. Nikolay Davydenko (4), 7-5, 6-1, 7-5 Novak Djokovic (3) def. David Ferrer (15), 6-4, 6-4, 6-3 I wouldn't have minded Federer's match going to one more set. It would have been nice to watch him play more.
That's roger. No, not on the court. He's over by his chair getting out another tennis racket. It really was great to see him play. At one point I recall sitting in my chair getting a little sad. I all of a sudden realized that I was there, in person, watching an AMAZING player who I had a BIG FAT crush on and he was NOT going to call me!!! I wasn't going to see him after the match. No smile, no side hug, no high five, no NOTHING. So as I sat there, and this was sinking in, I realized just how unhealthy my crush was. I needed to invest this energy into someone real. Like someone I see in real life (and talk to). So I decided to start working on that. I'll let you know how it goes. (not much to share now)
I just want to say that it was GREAT to see the Fed play live. He's so good! I spent the day with two fantastic gals and it was just a beautiful day! Roger's great, but I think I'm over him now. But I will always support him in his game. :)

Violation

2007-09-24T08:49:00.000-04:00

It's almost 9am. I am at work. I usually don't eat much this early but I like having some tea in the morning. Last week I made the HUGE error of leaving my mug in the kitchen while I was dealing with a client. This morning I hoped I would find it in the kitchen, be able to wash and sanitize it, and then still use it. As I walked in the kitchen there was an interesting man there. Not one from my program but an overnight program that uses the kitchen in the morning. I said hello and started searching for my mug. I looked on the mug shelf-nope. I looked in the draining board-nope. I looked on the dishes shelf-nope. I looked on the counters- NOPE. Saddened I turned around to go back to my office when I saw that scary man had my mug!!! He had it filled with some horrible looking liquid. I think I just stopped and frowned, not sure of how to deal with my disappointment. Actually I was horrified. He can have the mug.

my life

2007-09-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

I have no idea who reads this blog. My family may discover that I've finally posted something, but other than that, I'm not sure. It's kind of fun to try to explain certain things to different kinds of audiences. For example: my life as a part of a singles ward. Friends in Boston will understand because many are part of such a world. My family, however, may not fully comprehend the magnitude of what this world involves and for that I offer the following:

An email arrived in my box today (a special email address set aside for ward spam and other business advertisements) along with 4 emails regarding emergency preparedness, 1 for dinner groups on Oct 21st, a few regarding political candidates, one looking for a nanny, a reminder for FHE (same time/same place), a birthday party (two actually), and one telling people about an education conference coming up. I LOVE our ward list serve. These were actually all pretty standard. I want to share this one specifically that recapped the announcements from RS on Sunday. I worked on Sunday so I really appreciated the recap, but as I read I laughed out loud. Here is why:

This week:

Monday-FHE
Wednesday- Opening social for institute (you're only as spiritual as your last spiritual experience, shared over the pulpit I hear to recruit for institute)
Thursday- New sisters Dessert
This Weekend- Cambridge Reunion get your tickets NOW

Next Week:

Sunday- Bishopric Fireside
Monday- FHE
Wednesday- Institute
Fri, Sat, Sun- Ward Camp out in Sharon Vermont But if you're not going to that: Sat- Cambridge Stake enrichment, and the general RS broadcast

Next Month (plan now) The education conference

Just in case you need more things to do:

Tuesday- Books and Basketball
Along with your regularly scheduled temple shift, volunteer for the cleaning shift our ward is responsible for.
Be sure you are up to date on our ward emergency preparedness plan-we are on week 8 and you should now have your 72 hour kit, 2 weeks of food storage and cash and all critical documents stored, but you do have until the 27th to secure all that if your behind. (but fill out the survey so we know what areas need to be improved)

So I'm reading all this and I start to sweat. I had just finished a long, PAINFUL, email exchange about visiting teaching this week. Tuesday night is set, but we want to see another girl too and maybe Thurs? But then I'd miss the new sister dessert...But WAIT!!!! I was actually planning on spending time with some school friends I haven't seen lately...because, well, this is my best attempt at sharing the gospel (which I'm also supposed to report because the Elders are coming over for dinner next week and they are going to ask me!)

I really love my ward because everyone IS so involved. These things (all of them) get done!!! My problem is that I have no idea how to balance all these things. Guilt creeps in as I skip FHE. I've now worked 8 days in a row for at least 8 hours a day and I'm pretty tired and drained. At the same time, I love this! I love being busy, trying to balance. I haven't been to the grocery store since I bought muffins and orange juice for my friends who were helping me move at 1am on Sept 1st. I have, however, filled my gas tank 3 times since then, gone to a byu football party, attended ward temple night, brought my mozzarella cheese to last Sunday's dinner group, made soup with friends at my house one evening (visiting teaching!), had dinner with a friend, gave a co-worker a ride home (twice), and bought a new outfit for the US Open. As I type my arms and hands are shaking slightly thinking about it all. (I think it's just because visiting teaching isn't settled yet so I'm not sure if I need to cancel with my school friends for Thursday dinner)

I don't write all this to complain-not at all! I just thought my family would find this new insight into my world interesting (at least). And for those of you who live this life as well, a moment to pause and brush it off. I mean, super-cute Sunday is over, the pressure is off!

Something to note

2007-08-31T10:53:00.001-04:00

Today a question came up at work. I thought I'd share the answer with all of you because I am so easily irritated at poor grammar, written or spoken (not that I think I'm that great--don't get me wrong, but there are some things people should know). This is one I wasn't sure about. Check it out...

Word Choice: in behalf of / on behalf of

A traditional rule holds that in behalf of and on behalf of have distinct meanings. Accordingly, you should use in behalf of to mean “for the benefit of,” as in We raised money in behalf of the earthquake victims. And you should use on behalf of to mean “as the agent of, on the part of,” as in The guardian signed the contract on behalf of the child. But as the two meanings are quite close, the phrases are often used interchangeably, even by reputable writers.

I just found it interesting.

You're welcome.

Update

2007-08-25T15:46:00.000-04:00

I have so many things I want to blog about but I need more time to do these items justice!! So instead i thought I'd update people on what my plans are (since I don't think I have).

I start my new job on Monday. I'll be working at a day treatment program in Quincy MA (that's on the south shore) So there will be a little commute, but it won't be too bad. I'm really excited about this job. I'll be working with severely mentally ill adults in group therapy each day. There are a lot of different groups currently running: dealing with anxiety, depression, personality disorders, groups on anger and emotions, psycho-ed groups on communication and assertiveness, DBT, and more. So I'm not sure which ones I'll be leading but I may even get to start some. I was thinking of a music group or a creative expressions group with a CBT slant--there are so many possibilities!!!

I am also moving. Nope, not to the South Shore (that'd be the smart thing to do). I'm actually moving so as to add 15 minutes to my commute. Further north is Medford and I'll be living in a really cute house with two girls from my ward. I'm also excited about this. I do wish it were in Cambridge or Somerville, but if it were it'd be twice as much. I get my own room, a huge almost walk in closet (such an improvement) and my own bathroom and I'm paying less then I am now!! So I think it's worth it.

So for now I'm packing up my apartment, trying to clean, and praying I can get my deposit back from this house. I don't think past tenants have cleaned it at all!! So it's pretty bad. Plus I'll still be working at the eating disorder clinic one weekend a month (this weekend). So there is always a lot going on. I'm excited to get through the next two weeks!!! I hope I'll be more settled then.

And this is why I don't have time right now to sit down and compose my thoughts and musings on my observances. (is that a word? I like it!!!)

I was tagged...

2007-08-13T13:46:00.000-04:00

Places I've worked:

1-Fountain Green Swim Club (paradise)

2-Friendly's (best two weeks of ice cream EVER)

3-Stats recorder for Ricks College basketball games (don't trust the 99 stats)

4-Heritage RTC

and now FINALLY.....Discovery Day Treatment and the Laurel Hill Inn!!

Movies I can watch over and over:

1-Waiting for Guffman (and the like)

2-An Ideal Husband

3-Bedknobs and Broomsticks
4-Goonies

Places I've lived:

1-Nurenburg Germany

2-Bel Air, Maryland

3-Provo, Utah

4-Boston, Massachusetts

Favorite t.v. shows:

1-The Office

2-LOST

3-So You Think You Can Dance

4-Flight of the Conchords

Places I've been:

1-pubs in Northern Ireland

2- Bolliaden in Sweden

3- relatives in Germany

4-Disneyland

coming soon: The US Open

Favorite foods:

1-My mom's ANYTHING

2-Indian food

3-Thai food

4-chips and salsa!!! mmm, good!

Majors I had considered:

1-physical education

2-dietetics

3-communications

4-teaching

Places I'd rather be:

1-the beach (any beach) Mexico would be nice

2-on a yacht

3-playing tennis

4-in a French Village

Weird things about me:

1-very sensitive sense of smell

2-when i get snappy and irritable my friends know to ask about when I last went running or swimming.

3-I think the song Downtown by Petula Clark is the answer to everything.

4-I'm addicted to music...love it love it and love people who share it!!

Friends I'd like to tag:

1-Allison

2-Johnson (rosotto-whatever)

3-Peg

4-Chris and Tiff

something real

2007-08-09T23:33:00.000-04:00

I saw something amazing tonight. When I say something real, I think I mean something that breaks real life down into basics, like a simple form, and the result is being grounded. Moments like these are so precious. They occur often, I believe, but it's not often that they can be witnessed by an outsider.

I have a job working with eating disorder patients. It's a small, private, residential setting. Tonight I found myself sitting on the front porch while a client called her father. This particular client is a bit older than the rest of the clients right now. She's in her 40's, and had just checked herself in for treatment. I sat far away from her so she could have some privacy, but in the quiet of the night it was not hard to hear her conversation.

Can you imagine the struggle? She checks herself into a residential center to get help with a disease she has struggled with for years and years. Her father is in his 80's and does not understand what she is going through. Although it's obvious that he loves her and wants to support his daughter, he doesn't really understand the problem. To hear her explain to him where she was and why...it brought tears to my eyes. I have NEVER been moved to tears while working. She asked him if he would come visit her. I could hear her shame and embarrassment, being unable to take care of herself, but now trying desperately to take care of herself.

As I talked with her after her call and thought about what I had heard and seen, I thought about the challenges that we all face as we try to take care of ourselves and deal with the struggles of life. This woman hit a low. She's now surrounded by girls half her age, wanting to leave, but longing to stay and get the help she needs. She has support in her family and friends, but that doesn't mean it's easy to ask for it.

I don't know what my point is exactly. Just that we can be so distracted by things that aren't really important. I worry. Worry about what? It's never worth the effort I put into the worrying. I love these moments of being grounded. It makes me think of the choices I am facing and simplifies the process a little. I am inspired by this woman. Her courage to admit that she needs serious help, to put herself in a setting with people who have little in common with her but one disease, and to admit her struggle and seek help from those she wishes she could help instead, show her desperation and desire to be cleansed. Although I don't share her disease, I have moments of desperation. I'm grateful to know I am never alone.

When it rains

2007-08-08T14:02:00.000-04:00

they aren't kidding. It pours!!!

So for the last few days it's been raining, but that's really not the point. Less than a month ago i had no clue what I was going to do. I had no job, I had no plans, I had no ideas.

My status hasn't changed: still no job and no set plans. But now I have lots of ideas. I have had a ton of interviews lately and new things continue to pop up. So this is good!! Yes!!!

But I still don't know what I'm going to do. I had an offer today. I'm certain I'll get another one before the end of the week. I have two more interviews coming up and a woman just emailed me from where my per diem job is to see if I want to work there full time. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

?

Some places I'm for sure more interested than others. The pay scale is so low at some of these places I'm interested in, I'm wondering if it's worth it to work somewhere I know I'll like and fret about finances...

So anyways, all these new possibilities are pouring in and I do have a much better idea of what my career goals are, so what next?

But I love that opportunities are pouring in now. (my mom's fasting brings about miracles!!)

St. Lawrence River

2007-08-04T09:20:00.000-04:00

I just got back from an amazing trip to the St. Lawrence River on the border of New York and Canada. My sister and her family vacation there every summer with her in-laws. They all gather at their homes there and go swimming, boating, skiing, wake boarding, and spend time with each other. My sister and her family live in California and this was a great chance for me to drive to meet them. It was also my birthday. We had so much fun together and I can't even express how beautiful it was there!! Here I am as they gave me a little tour in their boat around the different islands there. There are some castles on a few islands that have now become tourist attractions. This is the biggest one. There were bigger cruise/tour boats around these islands.
Here are all my adorable nephews. They are the sweetest cutest boys! They were all so nice to me and didn't want me to leave. We played hard everyday!!
I am kayaking with Jonathan and Eric while Danny and Mark canoe next to us. The island is called Ozone (where my sisters house is) and we would go around the island. It's small; the perfect size for these boys to go around.

This is the dock where I was picked up. I parked and then waited to see the boat coming towards me. I couldn't believe how it was so hot yet the water and breeze made it so comfortable. It was a little paradise.
Then I saw Elise and two of her boys coming to claim me. I never ever thought Elise would drive any kind of boat. She is becoming a very seasoned river-goer.
The first day I was there we spent some time helping the boys ski a little off this boat. It worked great because It went slower and helped ease the boys into the idea of being pulled by a boat. They were a little nervous at first, but thanks to a specially designed ski/wake board for children, they experienced success!
Here is their house. It was so beautiful. A part of it was a cabin that was built in the earlier 1900's for some rich guys lawyer. When my brother-in-laws parents bought the island years ago, they designed the house to incorporate the cabin. My pictures don't do a good job of showing that off. I love how the dock is right at the house! It made for incredible dreams as I heard boats fly in the distance and the resulting waves crash by my window.

This was my birthday party! It doesn't get any better than that. Brownies and ice cream and four fantastic kids who really like me!! Danny made me a bracelet that I wore the whole week and it never came off! One of the best presents ever!
Cheesing it up!! Jonathan wanted to take a bunch of pictures, so here I am with the present I just received. My nephews are all trained in the art of taking pictures. There is a chorus of "cheese" held out for a long time. It's hilarious because they'll say it yet they need to be convinced to stop what they're doing and look at the camera.

We BBQ'd on the tip of Atlantis (where Dan's Brother's house is) and all of their cousins came to play. There was a great swimming area and a beautiful sunset.

I have to include this!!! This is Dan's Brothers boat. Doug's brand new boat as my nephews called it. This cigarette boat is made for racing. The day I got there Doug was out in his boat with an instructor teaching him the correct way to drive it to optimize the boats capabilities. He took us for ride the next day. We went flying down the St. Lawrence River going over 100 mph!! It was insane!! Some of my hair came lose and it hurt to have it whipping around my face!! When we got back to the dock one of my nephews was fast asleep--how is that possible?!?! This was a definite highlight!!

This is my sister Elise and me. She is my oldest sister and I really enjoyed the chance to sit and talk with her and her husband Dan after the boys went to bed. They were so willing to help me come up with new ideas in my job search and the interview process. We talked about so much and it was truly enjoyable!!

Good Things

2007-07-29T22:15:00.000-04:00

I'm leaving in the morning to go to the St. Lawrence River in upstate New York to stay at my sisters vacation home. I'm really excited!! So that's a good thing!

My birthday is really soon. I wanted to have a party on Saturday but a church activity has been rescheduled for Saturday and I have guilt about doing something at the same time. The good thing is that I'm choosing to not care about guilt--I'm done with that--and It's OK even if nothing happens for my birthday. I know I'm still special.

I had a new job possibility surface on Friday which sounds really interesting. So I feel hopeful.

I went to a friends birthday dinner tonight and really enjoyed sitting with 10 other women laughing about so many things: dream analysis, horrific clothing we had to wear as children, horrific clothing we chose to wear as teenagers, crazy things our parents did to us as children, and many more wonderful things. It's been a while since I laughed that hard!!

I visit teach some incredible women. Today we had a really interesting conversation about the tribes of Israel. It bounced to so many topics and it was nice to be able to talk about spiritual things. and it's OK to not understand everything!!

The best thing I've been thinking about today is how I can choose. I can choose anything. I choose how I want to feel! I know there may be some who disagree with that, but I stand by it. If something occurs and I feel upset or down about it. I can choose how long I'm going to feel that way, then I can act and do something to change it. And I think this is where the Savior comes in for me. My understanding is that he suffered so I don't have to. He's promised to help me and, again, I have to choose to allow him to.

It's so great to know that I am never stuck. That's a good thing.

Gloomy Mood

2007-07-28T00:03:00.000-04:00

yeah, I don't really have anything to add to that. It sucks!

Martha's Vineyard

2007-07-23T10:05:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday I went with a group of friends FOR THE FIRST TIME to Martha's Vineyard!! I was so excited because I'd heard so much about this place and I knew it was going to be an amazing day. Taking pictures has never been a priority for me and this weekend was no exception so I only have a few but here it goes:

Suzy and I got up really early (too early) and left my house at 7:30. We drove down the coast and parked at Woods Hole where we would take the ferry to MV. Suzy and I decided to get some breakfast in the little town and I wish I had a photo of my muffin--pure cake! I think there may have been a berry or two=breakfast! Then we met up with Brenda, Laura and Robin, got on the ferry and were on our way.
I was pretty giddy and just wanted to stare at all the gorgeous houses and boats along the way. I now have big plans for a house on the coast. The summer home. When we got to MV we took a taxi to Edgartown and met up with the other ladies. We found South Beach and proceeded to our beach activity for the next few hours.

Here we have Brenda and Laura at South Beach. The beach was crowded, but the sun was warm and the water refreshingly cool! The waves were so fun to play in--it was amazing!! Then we decided to go to lunch, then rent some bikes and go the SHARKFEST!!! WaHoo!!

So there was this huge Shark catching tournament on MV this weekend. We took the scenic route (not entirely on purpose but totally worth it) and made it through the island to where the sharks were being weighed in. There were so many people and we saw many a shark carcass displayed by the proud competitors. Sick eh?

Our bike adventure was perfect! After the shark extravaganza we decided to bike along the coast (since we somehow went through the middle of the island on our way up the coast) and were able to see the most amazing sunset!!

I love it when you get strangers to take pictures and they have no vision of what works. There was a fabulous little pond and sunset just to the right of Suzy here--hoping for a different angle. Thanks anyway man!

We had to bike back up the coast and return our bikes. We then got back on the ferry to start the trek home. It was such a beautiful day!! I can't wait to go again (when I get a job and have income) and Nantucket (I might need to wait to go there until I have three jobs).

Check this out

2007-07-18T18:23:00.001-04:00

I'd never seen this before and am so glad my friend shared it with me. I actually usually don't like stuff like this but I thought this was so funny and well done! and it reminds me a bit of some people I used to know.

we got a couple of squares here!!

(check out bad-boy Todd's belt buckle)

creepy landlord tale #1

2007-07-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

There are many many tales I could tell of my creepy landlord. He's just an odd guy!! So to preface my first official landlord tale I must say that he is a nice guy. He tries to be very helpful and yet not too involved. Overall, not a bad landlord but there's just something about him that makes me avoid him in any way possible. (perhaps it's the way he looks at me and my roommates--poor Devon became his best friend...JUST SAY NO, DEV)

I arrived last night after driving back from Maryland. I found two notes on my kitchen table from my landlord. All of the current tenants are looking to vacate the premises at the end of August and so he wants to get a key so he can show the place to prospective tenants.

Note 1:

Hello Ladies:
1. I had hoped to show someone your apt. yesterday; but, no one was home and I don't have a key--can I get one?
2. It is the 12th and I am still missing one rent check
thanks

(that'd be my new roommate who I've spoken to twice, conversation consisting of Hi, How's it going (me), Hi (her). So don't get me started on that girl).

Note 2:
(received yesterday)
Hello Ladies--
could you leave me a key to your apt to copy or leave the back door open and let me know good times to show the apt. to future tenants
thanks

Reasonable notes considering none of my roommates responded to the first one (i was out of town). I've found from previous experience that he doesn't bother much if you respond when he has a request or concern.

Amazing Creepy part kicks in here...

THIS MORNING 7AM
BANGING on our door. I'm still in bed, I know it's him, and there is NO WAY I'm answering that door. I hear my roommate let him in and then I hear them talking for a LONG time. I understand you need a key dude, but one of us was in the shower, my roommate answered in a bathrobe...I mean, It would have made me angry but I wouldn't have been surprised if he opened my bedroom door. I was watching it carefully!

So my roommate took care of him, BLESS YOU! Now we just need to watch out cuz he could walk in any time (he did once before when our back door was open--that was fun).

***he just knocked on the door and is now inside...

accomplishment/fulfillment

2007-07-14T14:25:00.000-04:00

Today I was thinking. I was driving my younger sister, Amanda, to her friends house and we started talking. Since I've been home this week in Maryland, I had the opportunity to go with her to her swim meets, to go running with her in preparation for lacrosse camp, and to even bake cookies in our kitchen. (I can't tell you when the last time I baked cookies was...not since moving to Boston that I can remember) We've had fun. As I watch my 12 year old sister, almost 13, I notice some similarities and differences between us. Watching her swim and run, I couldn't help but wish she'd push harder, train more diligently, and make it more of a priority in her life. As I started to become a little frustrated with her "lack of drive" I had to stop myself from judging too harshly. I am my own worst critic, even enemy perhaps. How can I put the harsh judgements of myself onto my sweet sister. We are not the same.

Today as we were driving I asked her a few questions. What do you look forward to? What excites you? What gives you a feeling of accomplishment or fulfillment? It was a short conversation but a lot of fun. She looks forward to lacrosse camp and is excited about that and she feels really accomplished after an orchestra concert, after working so hard. It was really fun to hear about some of the things she's interested in. I also realize that my own transition from graduate school to finding a job to figuring out where I am going to live and all that jazz is effecting my own feelings of accomplishment and fulfillment. At least my education has paid off some and I am able to notice my own cognitive distortions and projection.

For now I'm heading to the grocery store. My Mormor has just handed me a 20 with a post-it that reads: Smickers (Snickers), Baby Ruth, Sundae (Sunday), and Fudge Track. Yes, my dear sweet Mormor. I will go on an ice cream run for you. Perhaps this will add to both of us feeling more accomplished today. Me for doing something for you, and You! You have successfully financed the restocking of our ice cream stash. Then my dad will feel accomplished as he rewards himself with a huge heaping bowl after mowing the lawn, my mother will feel accomplished as she rejects all offers of ice cream, and we can all laugh at the ice cream smears that will appear in the morning on the kitchen light switch: The fulfillment of things as they should be, coming full circle.

How much is your dead body worth?

2007-07-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

Today I read a friend's blog which was about her addiction to blogging. She's a champion blogger...really. I took her quiz and I was at like 40%, so I'm really not that addicted, Thankfully.

But this site had some AMAZING quizes to take! Check this one out:

$5275.00

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

I mean...That's important stuff to know!!

modesty wars

2007-07-08T22:18:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why, but today I found myself thinking back to one of my very first arguments (that I can remember) about modesty with my parents.

Well, I guess I kind of know why. I was in church today and I wore flip-flops. For some this is not a big deal, but I come from a family where there are things that are Sunday wear and things that are NOT. Flip-flops are on the not side. My father (I love him dearly) has very strong opinions about what's appropriate when we dress to worship. I love that they have taught me to try to look my best. I had a late night last night, and an early morning. I wore my flip-flops today because I wanted to be as comfortable as possible, almost sleep-like. And all day, felt slightly guilty because I knew my father would be disappointed.

So as I sat in my meetings today I kept thinking about my flip-flops and looking at how others were dressed. I was surrounded my many do's and don't's of my upbringing. As I sat I remembered my emerald green skirt.

Picture this: 6th grade. That's like 11 or 12 right? Me going shopping. I some how convince my mother to buy me this black and emerald green plaid skirt. Thinking back now, my mother should have said no because it was ugly, nasty ugly. This is like 1990 people. But somehow I got this skirt home. I LOVED this skirt!! I was so excited to wear it, so I tried it on for my sister Elise. Elise was probably 16 or so and immediately chimed in that it was too short and that dad would never let me wear this. In fact, I believe Elise was going to make sure Dad wouldn't let me wear it. Because I vividly remember this conversation (if you could call it that).

My dad comes home from work. We eat dinner, Elise and my mother bring up the infamous skirt and I am made to go try it on to show my father. I remember standing in our living room, which is right off the kitchen, my dad still eating dinner, my sister sitting on the couch in the living room, (looking but not), and me pleading not to return the skirt. I was so upset! so angry that this skirt was like 3 inches above my knee. It was going back. I don't even think they gave me the option of doing "what I thought was right." It was going back. I was devastated. I totally blamed Elise.

There have been many such wars to follow. Formal dresses, swim wear (honeymoon and not), shorts, cap sleeves--ok or not ok, form fitting blouses...it goes on and on. I'm happy to say that we are able to laugh about some of these situations now, but I know we ALL (Sarah and Elise) remember the strong feelings evoked in those discussions/debates.

I also want to add that I LOVE that I was taught that there are right and wrongs when dressing modestly. I am not one to tell someone else that they should do what I do, or think the way I think. But I am very grateful that I have been taught to have respect for my body, and to find the reasons to be more modest instead of the many excuses not to be. I am by no means perfect in this category. It's actually something I still struggle with at times. But it's now an easy struggle. I want to be modest, not just the way I was taught, but the way I believe NOW that I should.