Contributing Member of Society

I don't have a job right now. I graduated less than a month ago and at first it was fun. I went to lakes and ponds and beaches, went for long runs and played tennis. Life was beautiful!! After a while this kind of life gets old. And I've been watching LOST. I don't have a TV, nor do I watch a lot of it, so for me to tackle the first two seasons of this show is a huge big life change for me (maybe it's just that it's been a cold, cloudy week and playing outside isn't my favorite option) but nonetheless I have started to feel like I am a consumer, an absorber of resources, that I offer nothing.

This morning I decided (after watching like 4 episodes of LOST--kill me!) that I don't want to be a consumer any more. I am a productive, contributing member of society!! So I will get out of bed before 11 (decided at 12:30 --slight lie) and that I KNOW there are other things that I contribute although unemployed...

1. I can speak properly, read and write
2. I don't add to the obesity problem in our country-yet
3. I keep the environment clean by not smoking
4. I dispose of my trash in proper trash receptacles
5. I pile all my recycling near the trash can, but not IN the trash, so my roommates can take it out when they can't stand the piles anymore.
6. I try not to horrify others by avoiding such combinations as: jean shorts and loafers (with socks), open toe shoes with nylons, 90's plaid flannel with anything, and other such goodies.
7. I provide others with fun things to do on their days off.
8. I decided to pretend I don't have a car this week so I've been walking more (see #2) and using less gas (more because I don't want to pay for the gas, but I'm counting it)
9. I'm a potential risk for skin cancer so I can help out with scientific advancements in that area.
10. I'm available during the day to do such things as: watch landlords animals and plants, drive friends to and from the airport...when I'm not pretending I don't have a car
11. I'm great company!

This is valuable stuff!!

One of the best songs EVER!!!

In my humble opinion. I remember jumping on my trampoline as a kid listening to this song! It still makes me smile and dance around. I'd never really watched this video, but do NOT miss the guys head twitch/bob thing at the bell chime. Classic dance move!

Lately I've been on a quest to find these old songs that I've forgotten. I'm wondering what other songs I should be looking for...suggestions?

Fancy Bird = Evil Bird

I am not a fan of birds, not sure why, but I think most are ugly and diseased. I was attacked by a huge white swan-like bird as a kid (not a swan) so maybe that has something to do with it. I was asked in a game of loaded question, if I could rid the world of three things what would they be. I'm not sure what my brilliant answer was completely but I know I included birds, but not the fancy birds. I remember this because this was later made a recurring theme in future loaded question games. Fancy birds.

Fancy birds meaning really beautiful rare birds that I had perhaps seen in books, nice colorful pictures...they're beautiful! But I take it back now, I'm taking it all back.

This weekend my landlord went out of town and asked if I'd feed his bird while he was away. I have told some people this before but I would rather clean someones bathroom than watch their children, plants or animals. I think it's just a lack of experience, but I'm just not one who likes to do this. I said I would.

He showed me through his disgusting apartment (I don't think I'd clean his bathroom...ever) where I found this large parrot-like bird (not a parrot). He told me that his bird doesn't really like women, but as long as I approach the bird with authority it won't question me. (What the H does that mean?) At this point I'm thinking, I don't like birds, but I'm certainly not scared of them.

So he leaves. Fast forward, 1st visit to the bird: There is a small food dish and a small water dish hanging on a wire at the front of the cage. I reach my hand in and the bird comes right over to where my hand is and flaps its wings and squawks at me. I quickly pull my hand back but yell at the bird "back off I'm getting you food" and then I go again. The bird repeats annoying behavior but I grab the food and do what I'm supposed to do as fast as I can. AND YES I WAS SCARED OF THE BIRD!!!

Next day, forgot, sorry bird.

The next day I remember the bird. I go upstairs and its food dish is empty. This time it allows me to get the food dish without any problem. As soon as I fill it and put it back its there eating it and I can't get to the water which looks really really sick. So I figure I'll come back. Hours later I return and now the bird is back to its usual annoying self, squawking and flapping at me. Its making this very difficult but yet I feel like the bird needs better water. So I go quickly to grab the water. As I do the bird lunges at me and I spill some of the delicious contents of the water/regurgitated food mixture on my clothes. NEVER have I smelled something so sick and disgusting. The strong stench of vomit is way too much for me. I quickly dump it in the sink and refill it. Want to throw it at the bird, but put it back and go back to my apartment.

I wash my hands about three times and throw the shirt i was wearing in the washing machine. Yet the smell still won't go away!!! I then change my pants and add them to the washer. Then I took a shower. Finally the smell went away.

I hate ALL birds

(except woody woodpecker)

Where I am

Life seems really challenging right now. I feel like I have so many decisions to make and think I keep screwing that up making the wrong ones. I also don't feel like I have too much control over certain parts of my life. So, I try to combat those thoughts with lines like, "I can make hard decisions!" , "This is not out of control or too much", "Jesus loves me, this will work out!", "I am capable, talented, smart, I need to be patient" and other don't-freak-out-Linda messages.

My favorite part is my difficulty sleeping. Last night I don't think I fell asleep until like 2:30 or so. Wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't really really tired. So I lay there. THINKING!!! That is the worst!!! Too much time to be harassed by my own thoughts. But I'm proud of myself. I remember thinking that I have so many blessings, trying to focus on those. Honestly, I get kind of dramatic if it's 2am and I'm really tired. Everything get blown out of proportion and productive thinking stops. Hence my pride in wanting to recognize my blessings and not focus on everything that sucks. Problem was that when I tried to think of my blessings not much came...enter my dramatic limited productive thinking in the early morning hours. Luckily, I fell asleep (although I had some crazy dreams!!! Jeez!!)

So I was thinking I'd start out this morning with some of the blessings I should have recalled last night...But now I don't really think that I want to.

See where I am!!!

Stuff To Add Part II

I am not necessarily a fan of posting tons of pictures here, but I am just excited about some of the cool stuff I've been able to do since graduating from school...

Red Sox game, curtosy of M.E. and her well-to-do-boss who gave us his fantastic seats and VIP parking...WOOHOO!!Our seats were behind home plate, padded and we even had waiters...I've never experienced baseball like this!!
I also got to see Pete Sampris and John McEnroe play at BU. Yes, John threw a fit and it was awesome!!

Canoeing down Concord river...Beautiful place!!

Shot rang out around the world...kindof a nice place!!

So much to add.... Part I

So much has been happening!!! Life is good. really good. I have now graduated with my Masters in Social Work from Boston College. I am very excited!! Graduation was May 21st. That weekend my dear brother David drove to Boston with his wife Tiffany and son Max. We have a lot of fun when we get together. I thought it would be a good idea to invite some friends over for a roaring sing-your-heart-out music night at my house. I told Dave to bring his guitar and then invited some friends over. We BBQ'd and then sang all night long. I was really concerned about our neighbors, but no one said a word. I LOVE Davis Square!! Here we all are gathered in my living room. My friend Jared also brought his guitar and he and Dave and Julie played together so we could sing along to America, Bread, Weezer, Bon Jovi, Brandi Carlile, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, The Beatles, Elliot Smith, James Taylor, Chili Peppers and other stuff. It got pretty crazy!
There is something about a room full of people singing like they were born to be on stage, yet no stage. It was a lot of fun. And Max made it even better!!
This is me acting really excited, getting everyone psyched to sing sing sing!! Seth and Jared look on--probably at Max. He was our competition for attention.
Cute little guy isn't he?
and here's the crew--I'm thinking this should be done more often.

So this is all in anticipation for my Graduation. My parents arrived as we were singing and I think my favorite part was my going out to meet my parents, my dad gets out of the car and can hear people singing in my apartment--loud--i think it was a Bon Jovi song--he says, "sounds like a Sunday night" SLAM!!! and we were all ashamed. For a minute.

So this is my graduation!!

I must say taking tons of pictures in this flattering gown was just what i wanted to do all morning, so we didn't do too many. Thankfully!!
Aren't my parents lovely? They are such good people!
Amanda is my 12 year old sister. She's pretty cool and we have a lot of fun together.
I'm showing off the fact that I have a fantastically brilliant hood that no one was wearing correctly. We had to go around and fix every ones.
me and the wee family. We spent the next day going to Plymouth. It's a cute town. I had heard so many negative things about the rock that I thought it would be the worst trip ever, but i guess when expectations are so low you can be pleasantly surprised. I had a great time!! Dave and Tiffany left from there while I went out to dinner with my parents and Amanda in the North End. Good times!!

Here we are on our scenic route to the north end. hail mighty freedom trail. My parents were great and did not want to budge from the brilliantly outlined brick guide through Boston.
not the real Mayflower. Don't be fooled!!
So this is the rock. Plymouth rock. enshrined.

MIA?

not just from the blog--it seems life in general!! and I've been thinking about this blog, thinking about erasing it, but then there are things here I don't want to get rid of. and to be perfectly honest, i want to keep posting but I'm kind of going through a rough patch...if you will.

and I don't want to post stuff like this:

I turned in my final paper of my graduate school experience a few weeks ago. It was crap. Well, it generally addressed the topic, so not complete crap, but I deserve the C I received. C's mean degree's right? I pass the class NO PROBLEM!!

But I've lost a lot of motivation (even prior to this paper being done obviously). I've had almost two weeks of doing NOTHING. Graduation is Monday. Nothing is: I played tennis 4 out of 5 days last week, went to the beach once, Walden pond twice, visited the MFA, picnicked among fancy trees, camped at Lake Winnepesaukee, cheered at the 1/2 marathon there, have eaten so much food it's ridiculous, and today I went canoeing. and again to be perfectly honest, I'm FORCING myself to leave my house and do these things. I really would love to just stay in my room.

What am I doing? I'm done with school, I have this degree, my bishop told me my next step is to get married, and I'm looking around and I feel lost. There's nobody here I want to marry. I need a job, but I haven't followed up on anything. I'm running out of money, and the money thing freaks me out!!

So, I'm avoiding stuff, projecting my negative feelings on others (my education is paying off), but it actually helps me to get rid of some of this stuff...wow!

So Sarah and Tiffany (and my other faithful reader friends) maybe my next post won't be so depressing. I am hopeful!!

can't wait for monday!

Ben's voice is SO soothing to me and his songs I love!!! I have loved this guy for so long and am really excited to see him on Monday with out the band! He's playing at the Somerville theatre which is this really small venue two minutes away from my house. Maybe he'll follow me home.

seriously, i have like a 9 year crush on this guy.

Connections to Past Trauma

You know those times that you make connections with experiences in life and current pressures? I mean those times you remember the past when you learned something or experienced something that kind of applies now...maybe. Well, in a weird way.

Last week I was thinking about how I have made it through two years of graduate school and if my professors will allow it, I will graduate on May 21st!! It was beautiful outside and I was pondering this thinking about these last two years. hard, boring at times, emotionally trying and draining, physically exhausting at times...but I'm done!! (just about).

Then I started thinking about upcoming decisions. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? Social work is broad! What do I want? Then I push those thoughts away as fast as I can. I have all summer to figure that out!!

As I mentally congratulated myself for all my hard work and dedication, my mind drifted back to where I was three years ago. I was anticipating graduation from undergrad. I was indecisive then as well about what my next steps would be. Do I want to move towards home or stay around here? Do I go to graduate school now or wait a year or two? What do I want? I comforted myself then with similar thoughts that I have all summer to figure things out. I don't need to make decisions now.

Two days after graduation I went long boarding with some friends down Provo Canyon. It was like 12:30 am and very dark. I had gone long boarding maybe 3 times prior to this experience and was HARDLY an experienced long boarder. To make a really long depressing story shorter (and to avoid re-experiencing trauma) I'll just say that I lost control and fell. I hit the ground in an awkward way and then, not wanting to be a stupid girl who gets hurt, decided to get up and go find my board. As I took a step I felt something shift in my already throbbing foot and I immediately collapsed on the trail. I ended up in the ER (thanks Keegan) with a shattered nevicular bone which the doctor made sure to tell me he had NEVER seen anything this bad...comforting.

After avoiding surgery (shattered, it would do no good), I had about two months in which I was confined to my room with a soft cast and I was not allowed to put any pressure on my foot. My doctor said I was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom. I am a very active person. This was a very very DARK period of my life. It didn't help that the room I was confined to was painted dark red (ceiling included). I remember looking out the small window in my cell and thought it was funny how the birds sitting on the telephone wires outside looked like they were actually sitting on the blinds in my room. That was entertaining.

After a bit I got a hard cast. I ventured out to go to soccer games and church. Shortly after my accident my bishop approached me to ask about what happened and what my plans were now. I was pretty angry and bitter at the time (DARK red room). He knew I was trying to make some decisions and he said:

"God threw you off your long board for a reason, now you get to figure out why! And it looks like you'll have some time to do that!"

It was three months of me lying in a bed, foot elevated, hating life, before I got a walking cast. I was still not allowed to put any pressure on my foot and it was another month of me just taking off the walking cast so i could try to rotate my ankle. Once that month was up I was able to put light pressure on my foot. It took almost 5 months before my doctor would allow me to go swimming. I walked with a limp for about 9 months. It was awful!!

I'm actually getting angry thinking about this.

my bishop would ask me periodically if I had figured out what God wanted from me. I had no idea. I still don't know if I figured it all out. I do know I'm fine.

So I'm thinking about all this, anticipating graduation. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN!! I don't think I could survive.

My prayer:

Please, work with me through other means.

I used to REALLY like this one boy. It's kind of weird to think about now--I liked him A LOT!! Why?!?!?! (why do we do the crazy things we do? I mean, I was like making plans...so glad that didn't happen)

I recently discovered that he is engaged. I am really really happy for him.

Today as I was driving home from my internship he popped into my mind. I LOVE where I am right now.

I feel so FREE!!!