Connections to Past Trauma

You know those times that you make connections with experiences in life and current pressures? I mean those times you remember the past when you learned something or experienced something that kind of applies now...maybe. Well, in a weird way.

Last week I was thinking about how I have made it through two years of graduate school and if my professors will allow it, I will graduate on May 21st!! It was beautiful outside and I was pondering this thinking about these last two years. hard, boring at times, emotionally trying and draining, physically exhausting at times...but I'm done!! (just about).

Then I started thinking about upcoming decisions. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? Social work is broad! What do I want? Then I push those thoughts away as fast as I can. I have all summer to figure that out!!

As I mentally congratulated myself for all my hard work and dedication, my mind drifted back to where I was three years ago. I was anticipating graduation from undergrad. I was indecisive then as well about what my next steps would be. Do I want to move towards home or stay around here? Do I go to graduate school now or wait a year or two? What do I want? I comforted myself then with similar thoughts that I have all summer to figure things out. I don't need to make decisions now.

Two days after graduation I went long boarding with some friends down Provo Canyon. It was like 12:30 am and very dark. I had gone long boarding maybe 3 times prior to this experience and was HARDLY an experienced long boarder. To make a really long depressing story shorter (and to avoid re-experiencing trauma) I'll just say that I lost control and fell. I hit the ground in an awkward way and then, not wanting to be a stupid girl who gets hurt, decided to get up and go find my board. As I took a step I felt something shift in my already throbbing foot and I immediately collapsed on the trail. I ended up in the ER (thanks Keegan) with a shattered nevicular bone which the doctor made sure to tell me he had NEVER seen anything this bad...comforting.

After avoiding surgery (shattered, it would do no good), I had about two months in which I was confined to my room with a soft cast and I was not allowed to put any pressure on my foot. My doctor said I was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom. I am a very active person. This was a very very DARK period of my life. It didn't help that the room I was confined to was painted dark red (ceiling included). I remember looking out the small window in my cell and thought it was funny how the birds sitting on the telephone wires outside looked like they were actually sitting on the blinds in my room. That was entertaining.

After a bit I got a hard cast. I ventured out to go to soccer games and church. Shortly after my accident my bishop approached me to ask about what happened and what my plans were now. I was pretty angry and bitter at the time (DARK red room). He knew I was trying to make some decisions and he said:

"God threw you off your long board for a reason, now you get to figure out why! And it looks like you'll have some time to do that!"

It was three months of me lying in a bed, foot elevated, hating life, before I got a walking cast. I was still not allowed to put any pressure on my foot and it was another month of me just taking off the walking cast so i could try to rotate my ankle. Once that month was up I was able to put light pressure on my foot. It took almost 5 months before my doctor would allow me to go swimming. I walked with a limp for about 9 months. It was awful!!

I'm actually getting angry thinking about this.

my bishop would ask me periodically if I had figured out what God wanted from me. I had no idea. I still don't know if I figured it all out. I do know I'm fine.

So I'm thinking about all this, anticipating graduation. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN!! I don't think I could survive.

My prayer:

Please, work with me through other means.

I used to REALLY like this one boy. It's kind of weird to think about now--I liked him A LOT!! Why?!?!?! (why do we do the crazy things we do? I mean, I was like making plans...so glad that didn't happen)

I recently discovered that he is engaged. I am really really happy for him.

Today as I was driving home from my internship he popped into my mind. I LOVE where I am right now.

I feel so FREE!!!

SO HAPPY!!

I had a fabulous weekend. It has been raining here for so long, not just raining, but so so cold! Finally, the clouds broke away and the sun appeared and the earth was warmed!! It was a beautiful thing. Friday I went for a long run through Arlington and loved every minute of it. I missed a few of my favorite running buddies (shout out to Lauren and Annette) but I was then able to treasure the solitude. It was one of those runs where you just bask in the music and enjoy the interesting people you pass on the trail. I never thought about how far I'd gone or how long I'd been running or what I have to do when I get back. It was pure, blissful freedom.

Saturday was another fantastic day! It was again beautiful! I met a friend in Harvard Square for lunch and we were able to go all over Harvard campus and the business school. He was my tour guide (I'd been on campus but never really got any of the interesting factoids). The only down side was that I was wearing some great shoes!! These cute espadrilles from Anthropology did not really qualify for the walking tour. There were a few points where I was certain the straw foot bed had rubbed appropriately through the first few layers of my feet. I thought a few times that my feet could be bleeding--if not blistering really really well. BUT, I never said a word because I really was enjoying my tour.

I got home around 4 and decided that I had to bust out of these shoes and quickly return to Harvard to watch the end of the Harvard lacrosse game. I cannot believe this was my first Harvard game--been meaning to go, but you know how it is--so again I was able to bask in the solitude and enjoy the last quarter and a half of the game. Harvard played Sacred Heart and it was just what I needed. I LOVE this game! It is so fast paced and there are so many sweet plays. These players have been conditioned in the lacrosse lifestyle and it was so refreshing to be there. It reminded me of high school...in a good way :)

Another thing I found interesting was the lacrosse crowd. When I arrived I sat down in an area of the Colosseum that was fairly empty. Before long a group of people came and sat around me. They were obviously cheering for their Sacred Heart player son/brother/friend. These people were a perfect example of lacrosse family lifestyle. For those of you who do not understand what this is I will try to explain...well, I actually don't know if I have the words. But here is a photo of the guy who sat down near me.

I should have taken more pictures but I was surrounded by the family. But what you cannot see was his mother in her perfectly ironed kacki pants, light blue blouse with a cardigan. This guys belt had flags all over it, his little sister was probably 12 or so who was also obviously a up and coming star of the game. Everyone was concentrating on the set ups, the plays, the calls...it was beautiful!! I can't really explain it. You never really have to tell a true lacrosse family to shut up and watch the game. They know all the details and they honor good plays regardless of the team they're favoring. We just want to see good skills and good calls.

I was really really happy.

As I left I called my brother David and told him where I was and what I was doing. I also told him that HE MUST come to Boston this weekend for the final Harvard lacrosse game this Saturday at 2 against Yale! I'll be there and I want him to come too. We'll dress up in our finest east coast lacrosse watching attire and invite our lacrosse buddies to come too. I'm so excited!! He said he'd ask his wife (come on Tiffany!!!! Please?).

Marathon--Schmarathon

that's what I say!!

I've met people who love to mention that they've run the Boston Marathon. And I have been impressed and often baffled at the fact that they did! "Really? You ran the marathon?" Thinking "you get winded walking to the mailbox" Miracles do happen!

Today, Patriot's Day, proved to be another wonderful year for happy little running people flocking to the area. I have always been impressed by people who discipline themselves and accomplish such a task (although it's completely unhealthy...I could talk about that for a while). It is still an amazing accomplishment. WOW!

The marathon goes right by Boston College where I attend graduate school. Today the library I needed to visit opened at 3. At about 3:30 I venture that way, forgetting that the marathon was rain delayed. When I get to Comm Ave I notice that the opposite side of the road still has people "running" the marathon. I drove very slowly staring at all the people WALKING DOWN A HILL.

Wait a second, I thought.

There are a TON of people walking!

All those liars! Those people who brag about running the marathon...liars. I realize that there are many who do, in fact, RUN the marathon. Good for them. (crazies). But still, seeing the procession of walkers just sucked some of the prestige out of the marathon for me.

I may no longer be as impressed. ANYONE can walk 26 miles. I don't care if you ran the first 10.

bottom line. I'm disappointed.

Question, Old 97's

So this afternoon, my friend Jenni was hanging out in my room and my music was playing. This song came one which she had never heard! She said to me, Linda, one day somebody's going to ask us right, but seperately? (thanks for that clarification Jenni) I said, yes, Jenni.

then I said quietly, "I was proposed to once." she got all excited and shocked, then I told her it was when I was on my mission in Utah, walking down the street during the Olympics in SLC and a guy driving by professed his love. Flattering yes, Not at all what I was looking for.

so anyway, great song, and this was the best youtube could do. all the others lacked for various reasons. It's a cover but I think he did a nice job!

Two Important Thursday Discoveries...and one mystery

Not a beautiful day in Boston.

Classes were boring, which leads me to discovery #1.

* Remember being little and going to the beach? I was sitting in class today trying desperately not to jump out the window. At one point I cupped my hand around my ear. And you know what? It makes that ocean sound!! That same ocean sound you hear when you put one of those sea shells up to your ear. I swear!! I was so excited to discover this today in class. It occupied me for about 5 minutes.

Rain, Rain, I thought hail (very very small), and more Rain...leads me to discovery #2

* driving home from BC today the rain was coming down heavily. I discovered that I should have listened to the not-so-little auto man who told me to replace my windshield wipers. Of course the blade on the passenger side is perfect. That doesn't help the driver though. The only clear portion was the very bottom of the windshield, the same spot you hunch and look through as your waiting for your car to de-ice in the middle of winter. In fact, the blade was flapping like a really long skinny worm across my window. It was quite distracting. I have so many things I could say about windshield wipers but I'll save it for another day. (there is a coolness scale when it comes to utilizing the wipers, but seeing as my wipers are useless I'm no where near the coolness scale. I'll save this for another rainy day)

Music on a dreary day? Mystery.....

* So today I was listening to a lot of Radiohead. It's been a while and it just brought me back. It's such good stuff. At one point the old but ridiculously popular song Creep came on (not a bad song, but not their best). As I listened to this song I remembered how I used to listen to this song a whole lot in 8th grade. IN FACT, I had the single. A tape. But you know what else? The other side (the B side) had a great song on it. I don't have that song!! I want that song!! I listened to that one even more.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME OUT HERE!!

Thom was singing something about a pair of jeans he had and now their ripped and torn...

anyone?

please.

The Truth

I have made a discovery! It's been something that I've noticed in the past, but not something I've understood...until now.

When I lived in Utah there were several occasions when I would leave and go home to visit my family. Also, there were times when I'd spend more time then usual with my brothers and sisters. Whenever I returned to the regular routine of my life after these occasions my friends would comment on how I was different. They'd tell me I'd glow, or smile more, or laugh more, or that I was just more freely happy. When they made these comments I always just thought that I needed a break from the routine and seeing my family refreshed me. This is true, but there is more to it.

Last week I traveled to Utah to spend time with my family. My parents and siblings who live on the east and west coasts congregated in Utah and we were able to enjoy conference together and also a whole week with everyone in all their glory. It was a great trip (regardless of my catching my nephews disease). We were able to stay up late talking, laughing, sharing stories, mocking each other...it was quality.

I've returned to Boston and I have noticed again a change in me. At first I was blaming lack of sleep, jet lag, or illness for my silly lighthearted behavior. On Easter Sunday I went to dinner at a friends house. We hid Easter eggs and hunted them. It was great! I can't give specific examples of how my behavior is different, but it mostly manifests itself through silly comments, questions, and stories. Most look at me with an "are you serious" look on their faces, but for the others who truly know me...they know better. This is me after being with my family. After the egg hunt I went over to another friends house where we played games for a few hours. I had so much fun!! I was tired (had hardly slept in 48 hours) but as I laughed and blamed my behavior on this lack of sleep I realized something else. When I'm just tired or sick, I'm grumpy. I can hardly stand to be around myself. And this was different!!

This is me after spending quality time with people I love who bring out another side of me. It is always so fun to come back and enjoy the few days of unsuppressed "me". My walls are lower, my confidence more solid, and I feel more genuine. Sadly, as the days pass I revert slightly (not completely) to the old routine. I'm going to try really hard to let this last as long as possible. It's hard though, when there are projects, papers, paperwork and just stuff to do...but I'll try!

I Just Want To Do It Too

So I have found this really interesting and so I really wanted to do it too. Thanks for humoring me. Last week I flew out to Utah for a family reunion and decided what better time is there to shuffle through a bunch of songs. I LOVE my music. (probably too much). So I was pretty excited to find out which goodies would come up. Here she goes!!!


Opening Credits: You are the Light, The Innocence Mission
Strangely calming for an opening credit. Soothing, sweet, and you can tell there is much to come! I like!

Waking Up: Rhyme For The Summertime, G Love & Special Sauce
Now we get a little beat that gets you going in the morning. Thanks G Love!! Just a little something I like to call a Jazz step as I get out of bed.

First Day of School: Let's Build a Home, The White Stripes
Uh, I played House a TON in kindergarten. and I do wish I had a little red box.

Falling In Love: They are Zombies!! They are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From the Dead!!! Sufjan Stevens
GREAT SONG!! As for falling in love...?

Fight Song: The Luckiest, Ben Folds
Yeah, I'm no fighter. But When I do I am the luckiest!! (this is such a fabulous song!!)

Breaking Up: Another Runaway Song, Reggie and the Full Effect
next time I'll make you mine...Reggie's great for breakups

Prom: Party Generation, Dar Williams
I am a part of the party generation for sure.

Life's OK: Narc, Interpol
it's an ok song...life's ok, it works

Mental Breakdown: Little Ghost, The White Stripes
what are you scared of most?

Driving: Fix You (Live), Coldplay
driving and singing at the top of my lungs

Inner Smile: Morning has Broken, Cat Stephens
Cat Stephens brings out everyones inner smile!! This song ROCKS!

Flashback: Time, The Silent League
it actually reminds me of being a kid playing with my brothers and sisters while we listened to BREAD, yes, that's right, BREAD

Getting Back Together: Casimir Pulaski Day, Sufjan Stephens
I like the sound of frolicking through a park, swinging, talking to someone you really really like...

Wedding: Homeward Bound, Simon and Garfunkle
hmm, I could see my wedding turning into a roaring sing-a-long with my brother, (hopefully my future spouse) playing and everyone singing along...J/K That has better NOT happen at my wedding, but eventually

Birth Of A Child: We Used To Be Friends, Dandy Warhols
I don't really get this game. But sure, we'll all be dancing.

Final Battle: Moonlight Drive, The Doors
I guess it is terribly appropriate...my final battle swaying into the moon. Like I said before, I'm not a fighter...but I'll go in with great tunes.

Death Scene: Apple Blossom, The White Stripes
The boat is sinking for sure!! Some one better come rescue me, I'll take Ben Gibbard who may follow me into the dark, but then that could be weird.

Funeral: Mars Love Venus, The Brunettes
I'm starting to think my life is a joke. But that's ok, the music is good.