Connections to Past Trauma

You know those times that you make connections with experiences in life and current pressures? I mean those times you remember the past when you learned something or experienced something that kind of applies now...maybe. Well, in a weird way.

Last week I was thinking about how I have made it through two years of graduate school and if my professors will allow it, I will graduate on May 21st!! It was beautiful outside and I was pondering this thinking about these last two years. hard, boring at times, emotionally trying and draining, physically exhausting at times...but I'm done!! (just about).

Then I started thinking about upcoming decisions. Where do I want to live? What do I want to do? Social work is broad! What do I want? Then I push those thoughts away as fast as I can. I have all summer to figure that out!!

As I mentally congratulated myself for all my hard work and dedication, my mind drifted back to where I was three years ago. I was anticipating graduation from undergrad. I was indecisive then as well about what my next steps would be. Do I want to move towards home or stay around here? Do I go to graduate school now or wait a year or two? What do I want? I comforted myself then with similar thoughts that I have all summer to figure things out. I don't need to make decisions now.

Two days after graduation I went long boarding with some friends down Provo Canyon. It was like 12:30 am and very dark. I had gone long boarding maybe 3 times prior to this experience and was HARDLY an experienced long boarder. To make a really long depressing story shorter (and to avoid re-experiencing trauma) I'll just say that I lost control and fell. I hit the ground in an awkward way and then, not wanting to be a stupid girl who gets hurt, decided to get up and go find my board. As I took a step I felt something shift in my already throbbing foot and I immediately collapsed on the trail. I ended up in the ER (thanks Keegan) with a shattered nevicular bone which the doctor made sure to tell me he had NEVER seen anything this bad...comforting.

After avoiding surgery (shattered, it would do no good), I had about two months in which I was confined to my room with a soft cast and I was not allowed to put any pressure on my foot. My doctor said I was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom. I am a very active person. This was a very very DARK period of my life. It didn't help that the room I was confined to was painted dark red (ceiling included). I remember looking out the small window in my cell and thought it was funny how the birds sitting on the telephone wires outside looked like they were actually sitting on the blinds in my room. That was entertaining.

After a bit I got a hard cast. I ventured out to go to soccer games and church. Shortly after my accident my bishop approached me to ask about what happened and what my plans were now. I was pretty angry and bitter at the time (DARK red room). He knew I was trying to make some decisions and he said:

"God threw you off your long board for a reason, now you get to figure out why! And it looks like you'll have some time to do that!"

It was three months of me lying in a bed, foot elevated, hating life, before I got a walking cast. I was still not allowed to put any pressure on my foot and it was another month of me just taking off the walking cast so i could try to rotate my ankle. Once that month was up I was able to put light pressure on my foot. It took almost 5 months before my doctor would allow me to go swimming. I walked with a limp for about 9 months. It was awful!!

I'm actually getting angry thinking about this.

my bishop would ask me periodically if I had figured out what God wanted from me. I had no idea. I still don't know if I figured it all out. I do know I'm fine.

So I'm thinking about all this, anticipating graduation. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN TO ME AGAIN!! I don't think I could survive.

My prayer:

Please, work with me through other means.