Home

I'm home for Thanksgiving. I love coming home. There is something so comfortable to me about my house and my family. I realize not everyone feels this way about going home. I used to think everyone did, but within the last few years I've come to understand that not everyone feels so welcome and comfortable at home. My parents have really created a safe house for me. Although I'm almost 40 (one day) I still feel pretty transient in my young professional life. This is still coming home for me.

The only time my parents defied this safe zone was last year. I have a younger sister who still lives at home and she wanted my old bedroom. We have seven different bedrooms in our house. All my siblings are married except my younger sister and I. She could have picked ANY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. She wanted mine. I found out when I went home for a weekend and ran up to my room to dump my belongings. When I opened the door I was shocked to find my room filled with posters and pink and pillows and piles (piles everywhere). I ran downstairs and my mother started apologizing and claiming her own innocence. She never would have let it happen, it was all my dad and my sister. This did feel like a violation. They didn't even set me up a room elsewhere. They just dumped all my stuff in a closet. I haven't bothered setting it up either. Maybe it's because I realize I don't really live there anymore. Perhaps I shouldn't have a room that's mine there. (that's just silly) It's funny to me because it's not a big deal, but it still bothers me. Every time I come home now I can pick from any other room in the house. I want my old one. I still do. And I want all my stuff put back.

But there are a lot of things I still love: the carpet, the fruit bowls, my dad's fake fire that's been glowing in the fire place for 3 years running (of which he is incredibly proud), the trees that surround my house, the hours we are forced to spend removing the leaves, the food--all the food--from the grand slams to the smorgasbord to disappointing soup nights that have now become appreciated, Mormors pleas for more ice cream, the little dog getting yelled at in German, the sound of the dishwasher at night when we're supposed to be asleep, the candles in the window, my dad asking questions he already knows the answers to, singing time, clean up time, movie time,

prayer time.

I think that is one of the greatest things about coming home. I am really thankful for my parents faith and example. They have such a great love of God. I rely on them for a lot of strength and support. I can be really stubborn, there have been many times that I hear my dad call everyone to pray and I roll my eyes and secretly hope that it will be a short one. Even though I may react this way, I also notice that I love it. I love the spirit that's there. This is what is so great about coming home. It like a filter. When I come through the door only the most important things come with me. So much is left outside. When I leave I may pick it right back up again, but for a little while I could relax, rest, trust my parents and trust God.

Costume at work

I couldn't find a good costume, so instead I threw on this crappy wig, some glasses and led my groups. At least people got a good laugh.

New England Fall

This weekend some friends and I ventured into the north to take in beautiful fall in New England. We were a little late in the season, but we hadn't missed everything. I found a farm in New Hampshire that advertised apple picking, wagon rides, corn maze, hot apple cider, apple crisp, pumpkins and just about anything else you'd want. I convinced a few friends to come. We made a few stops along the way. We visited the Old North Bridge and actually listened the little ranger man tell his story of the miraculous way the militia was able to defend their homes. I love American history and all the stories that show just how much of a miracle it was that we were able to free ourselves from the British.

Our perfect fall scene. A blanket of leaves resting on the ground. It was heaven. We also stopped in to see the Groten School. It's only one of the most prestigious prep/boarding schools in the nation. (That's what someone said anyway, I have not done my own research.)

They had a backdrop with hay and corn stalk conveniently set up for us. We had fun with that!

Here we are mesmerized by the ranger. He was a fancy story-teller, that's for sure. I think my favorite part was Amy the boy early American who chopped off the head of an injured British soldier just as the rest of the British army was arriving to the scene. The army looked at Amy marched right past him and instead killed about 300 innocents living in Lexington on their way back to Boston as retaliation. Jaw-dropping story telling!!

Isn't this tree perfect! I love it. This was on the way to the estate sale that turned into crapper farmers sale of really old junk that NO ONE would ever be able to use EVER.

But this truck was pretty sweet and served as another great prop for our adventure. There was no apple picking, but we did hit up the corn maze, and wagon ride, burned our tongues on hot apple cider and shared some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. One of my friends also made out with a mirror and desk chair from a road side yard sale.

Against all Odds!!

On our first phone call, he noticed I was talking about my meeting with him in front my co-worker. He challenged me enthusiastically to which I responded by saying, "are you yelling at me?"

Once arriving at our first meeting I forgot his name. AND the name of the agency.

I also forgot my resume.

Because I'm so charming they invited me back. I said I'd email my resume the next day.

I forgot his card. I had no email address. I decided to fax it in. Then I discovered his email address. I emailed it also. Overkill?

I went to a staff meeting. Arriving I run into the partner. She says, it's great to see you. You have an impressive resume. I say, really? I'm SO glad you think so!! At the meeting over and over I admitted that I had NO experience. Some how I was able to twist all my many weaknesses into possible strengths. At one point I said out loud, "Am I still talking?"

unsure. I'm not that experienced. I doubt I got it.

The CEO and CFO came to my staff meeting. They reported the tough news that because of HUGE cuts in the state budget, day treatment, employment programs, clubhouses and other programs would be cut out. There was a good chance we would be without jobs in a month.

Awesome. I can move like I always talk about. I am a little concerned though. It's not pleasant.

My new boss calls. He offers me the job. He said the team really liked you. Really!?!? He said I sounded surprised. I told him I just never know how I come across. I also told him about the meeting with the CEO. I asked him when he wanted me to start. He told me to talk to my boss and come up with an agreed upon date. We agreed I'd call him the next day.

I forgot to call.

How is that possible? I forgot to call.

The next morning I called and left him a message (which he apparently didn't receive) because he emailed me and said he thought I was going to call. I emailed him telling him I had left him a message. I got a phone message from him later saying he'd be happy to talk further about my questions. I emailed and said I'd call him when I got out of work.

I forgot to call.

How is that possible? I forgot to call.

How did I get this job?

I got a new job. I start it on the 10th. I'm pretty excited. I hope I can play it cool. Cooler then I have been.

Yikes.

Simple Communciation?

Brought to you by: silly phone survey all about Google's new Goggle feature to prevent drunken emailing. (you can make a setting on your computer for nights and weekends in which you will have to answer simple math questions in a certain amount of time to enable you to send messages.)

This is an interesting concept. The problem: I'm sober and send stupid (really stupid) texts and emails and sometimes chats which I immediately regret. We'll call it impulsivity.

Evidence:

A. A few weeks ago I was hanging out with a friend of mine. It was a fun night, we hadn't spent time together in a while and after he left I felt the need to communicate to him that I enjoyed the night, that I've missed talking with him, that we should do it again soon, blah blah blah... This is what was actually sent from my phone: Gosh, I really missed hanging out you. Not a huge big deal, but unbelievably annoying. How hard is it to simply communicate a thought without screwing it up?

B. This weekend I ran into someone I don't know very well, we see each other so rarely, that when we started to chat and were immediately interrupted, I was quite annoyed and bothered. Later that day I was thinking about how I wanted to talk more, so I looked up his email address and sent him an email. I'm not even sure what I blabbed about but I'm sure I was blabbing. Again, not a huge big deal but annoying.

C. Important thing to know about me: I think I'm pretty funny. Yesterday I sent a text to a friend of mine who recently moved out of state. It said: I think we should go see Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist tonight. He responds with something like, What? you do realize we're in different states/cities/time zones? To which I responded, You have no imagination. Yes I realize that. Last night around 7 I sent another text saying: I'm so sorry I'm not going to make it tonight but lets try again later this week. JUST PLAIN DUMB. But this morning I felt the need to acknowledge it. I was chatting and said: sorry about my obnoxious texts, I'll try not to do that even anymore. Yes. Again, how hard is it to eliminate unnecessary stupid communication or at least communicate an idea or thought simply and easily?

These are just a few examples. I could go on and on and on and on. I don't know if Googles Goggles will help me stop being so dumb and quick to send incomplete unclear messages to people. But maybe an official hand slapper. Someone to stand over me to slap my hand every time I try to send some ridiculous communication that isn't necessary and I'll wish I hadn't in about 5 seconds. Or a buzzer of some kind. I could just tag people in my phone or computer that every time I try to send something I get an electric shock. This way I would only send things that would be worth getting shocked over. So only absolutely necessary communications. Somehow I must be stopped!!!

My Name

I believe I have mentioned it before, but every morning on my way to work I listen to a radio station that has a survey question each day. Often I find them silly and mildly entertaining, and sometimes I find one that actually promotes deeper thoughts. This morning they were talking about how people change their last names when they get married. They started with the example of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and how they didn't because they were both established prior to their union. There are many ways people choose to do this, but the question they were asking this morning was along the lines of: should the person who is the LEAST successful in the relationship submit to the success of the other and change their name. I guess asking if the woman is more successful and established, should the man just deal with it and change his name to match hers. So like I said before, silly and mildly entertaining, but today it got me thinking about a few things. Mostly, my own name. (and no this isn't a thoughtful tribute to my ancestors or anything, much more trivial)

When I was born my parents opted not to give me (or my sisters) a middle name. When I asked as a child about not having a middle name they said that when I got married I would take my husbands name and my last name would become my middle name. In a way, this always bothered me. In some way, I got the message that as a girl I shouldn't get a middle name or something and it also made the assumption that inevitably I would be wed. When people would ask me for my full name, I always wished that I had a full name and didn't sound so lame as saying just my name again. Lately this has changed! Mostly because of two of my sisters marriages.

I hate hyphens. I think it's really lame to hyphen your name. Sorry if you love it, I reserve my right to hate it as much as it is your right to do it. When I do get married I hope that we will start our family. Having our family I would like us all to share one name, one that unites us all. I am still myself, unique in my traits and talents and even though I plan to change my last name, I feel no threat to my identity or heritage. (I'm not saying that people who don't change their names feel these things, I am just talking about me...so relax if you feel the need to defend others choices.) That all being said, I really love that I can reserve my current last name as my middle name! My parents are brilliant! I won't have to drop anything! I think of my married sisters names and how beautiful they are. It works. I was talking to a co-worker about this and asked if she would change her name when she gets married. She told me that hyphening was not an option because it would be Lord-Killgoar and she'd have to carry a sword to pull that one off.

Then there are those who just choose to combine names without a hyphen like Clark Donavan. If I can barely write my first name I'm not writing out two last names. It's just not going to happen. What about those who create a blended name for all to share? Claravon? I guess you can if you want to. I think it would depend on what you're working with. Lordgoar I'd vote no. Killord--maybe. What about Brangelina? Blending first names and eliminating last names all together... it just wouldn't work, not feasible.

This leads me to my next tangent. My signature. This is actually where all these thoughts are coming from. The phone survey was about changing your name, I thought about how I'd like to change my signature. Which then led me to when I get married will I change my signature then? Right now I just sign my first initial and then my last name. This mostly came out of laziness. I can't do the scribble thing. It just looks sloppy. If I'm going to sign my name it should read as my name I guess. So when I was in college I just started signing my initial and last name. This was never an issue until I was applying for student aid for grad school. Someone called me and said I hadn't signed the forms correctly and I needed to submit again with my full signature. By that time, my signing was habit. I called them back and said that this was indeed my signature. I sign all documents this way. The person on the phone gave me a hard time but finally accepted my signature. (seriously, you can scribble and make wavy lines and no one says a thing, but an initial and last name was somehow wrong? It just doesn't make sense to me.)

But lately I was thinking that I want to write my name out but I guess I hesitate to change my signature. So thinking about all this I was wondering do I have to get married to change my signature? Probably not, but it's still wildly inconvenient. It will probably stay as it is. I don't know why I don't like it.

Diagnosis Week

My sister declared this week salad lovers week and wanted me to post a salad recipe a day to share with her and whomever else. I really would love to participate in such a thing so here's my FAVORITE salad recipe:

Romain lettuce
cucumber
green peppers
cherry tomato's
feta cheese
avocado

I put it all in a bowl and then I use a Italian Basil dressing. I eat this every other day. It really makes me happy. Sometimes I'll put cooked chicken on it, but that's a rare event. Boring I know, but so basic, good and true. Salad in it's purest form.

Although this week for her is salad lovers week, I will dub my week diagnosis week. It's been amusing to see just how much stuff all happens at once in my life. Why oh why!??!

1. Last week I was at home working on my laptop (working is used very loosely--I mostly recreate, compiling music, "research", watching Arrested Development on hulu.com, and stuff like that). While I was compiling a great new play list the screen started shaking, bouncing up and down very fast, and then it turned a greenish hue and then went dark. I shut the top and put it aside hoping that in the morning it would return to it's normal level of functioning. Of course, I was wrong. It's clear that the computer is still working, it's just the screen that isn't.

I spent some time on the phone yesterday with our pals and the geek squad. Did you know that they'll charge you $70 just to look at your computer? I told them that I knew what the problem was, the screen. The guy said it sounded like the LCD screen or something and that would--judging from the age of my computer, purchased in 2002 a Toshiba--cost me close to $500 to fix and that I should probably get a new one. Then I was wondering about external hard drives. These can range from $80-$120 or so. So how much will it cost me to have them save my data? It depends on how much but possibly $160. Now I don't know what to do. Would they charge me the 70 to talk to me, the 100 for the hard drive and then the 160 to transfer data? And that's not even considering the cost of the new computer.

2. My dear sweet car does a good job. She is a little old and has 123 plus thousand miles. She's a Toyota Corolla and I try to take good care of her because she's helping me out a bunch. The other day I was thinking about how I know there is an oil leek in my car and I was pretty sure that if there was any oil in the car at all, it was probably very little. I decided to do the right thing and take it in. My findings? I need a new oil pan and gasket--maybe $400, but they also decided to tell me I need new front brake pads and new rotors because they were bent--maybe $300. Really? So I'm trying to shop around for that. I can't imagine an oil pan being that expensive. I suggested duct tape, but they weren't amused.

3. Yesterday I couldn't speak. I had a scratchy throat for a few days but the last two days were really bad. I could hardly leave a message for my boss when I called out sick. I love that I don't have to try to sound sick. It was the strangest thing though. I've never had a sore throat like this. I had no other cold symptoms. I felt fine physically except that my throat felt like it was on fire. I hadn't had strep throat since I was really young, so I thought maybe that was it. I spent a lot of time yesterday on the phone changing my PCP, learning that my new PCP wouldn't give me a referral because she wouldn't see me until Nov, my new PCP's secretary is a JERK, my health insurance is a joke, I can't go to a walk in without a referral from my PCP, and my only options were to change my PCP again to someone who could see me that day or go to an ER where my awesome insurance lets me pay $75 for an ER visit but I also have a $500 deductible for lab work. What kind of insurance is that? I HATE our health care system and what I hate even more is that people are making other people purchase this insane insurance that then isn't helpful for them when they actually do get sick. But I don't want to go off on my thoughts of insurance (I just deleted a ton--you're welcome)

So yeah. I guess I have a lot of diagnosing going on. What's wrong, what's the necessary treatment, what do I want as my desired results? For now I will just try to find relaxing activities, you know things that help me distract/avoid the rest of my life. I could probably do that for a while.

The Monitors - Grazing In The Grass

It took me about 40 minutes to find this gem today. Sometimes I get this song stuck in my head but I don't know all the words. I'm working on it for my next kareoke performance.

I hope that this year some people will be willing to perform this with me in a talent show fashion.

Can you dig it?

Cuz I Have

Have you ever put shower gel on your hands thinking it was lotion?

Have you put shower gel in your hair thinking it was shampoo?

Have you forgotten to rinse the shampoo or conditioner out of your hair?

Have you washed your clothes forgetting to put in detergent and not realize it until your folding your not clean, clean clothes?

Have you ever sent a gossipy text and in process sent it to the wrong person? meaning the person you were gossiping about?

Have you ever said not nice things about someone and they were standing right behind you?

Have you ever said not-nice things about someone AS YOU WERE CALLING THEM and they pick up and hear you?

*Have you ever been awesome enough (huge stretch--this is not awesome) to play the previous three items off?

Have you ever tried to communicate to your boss the difference in your work styles, using the comparison of your boss being God and yourself just being an angel?

Have you ever purposely shut downs someone else's excitement?

Have you ever liked someone so much that you just can't talk to them?

Have you ever felt like pointing out to the guys you do talk to that you just don't like them?

Have you ever tripped up the stairs while walking with a guy you have a hard time talking to and decide it'd be better to just crawl up the remaining stairs with your hands?

Have you ever slipped in vomit in a high school hallway falling flat on your butt?

Have you ever fallen so hard, been left feeling so embarrassed that you think it might be more graceful just to lay there and not move?

Have you ever hit your head on the side of your car while trying to get in your car?

Have you ever gone all day without realizing your shirt is on in-side-out, or backwards?

Have you ever driven the wrong way on a one-way street because it was more convenient?

Have you almost gotten in an accident while driving because you saw a huge insect on your arm, so you scream, swerve, try to kill the bugger, forgetting your in moving traffic?

Have you ever been attacked by a swan (or maybe just a big white duck)?

um, I could go on...

An Attack or a Gift?

Labor Day weekend is supposed to be fun! A last hoorah before school and work and fall routines occur again. Why do we make this weekend the worst possible by making it moving weekend? Maybe there is a way for me to avoid that in the future. Nonetheless, I did not have a final hoorah, I moved. It was long, arduous, mind-numbing work. I'll spare you the details and the pain, I doubt I could communicate that worthily enough. I'll sum up and say that at 3am Sunday morning my three new best friends had successfully helped me move everything I own to my new apartment. Sunday I was able to unpack and try to get some things organized. I was ahead of the game. My roommate was planning to bring all of her things on Monday. This is where my delightful story begins.

On the side of our house we have a patio that wraps around to the front of our building. There is a gate there and it is usually locked. For the weekend of our move we had asked the landlord to open it for us because it would be easier to carry things through the sliding glass door as opposed to our front door. Sunday night I went to sleep, anxiously thinking about all the things I had ahead of me the next morning. When I woke up I looked outside my window and saw that there were things outside the glass door on the ground. My first thought was that my roommate had a burst of energy during the night and decided to move some items and just leave them outside. I thought, "Oh, she should have woken me up, I would have opened the door for her!" Upon closer observance I noticed a toaster. She and I had discussed the fact that neither of us would be bringing a toaster to the house. Perplexed, I went to look closer. As I walked toward the glass door I was amazed at what I found.
This is the only picture I took. It captures a lot, although not all. Someone had come during the night, laid out a carpet and carefully piled junk all over it. As I looked I noticed that a lot of care went into this gift on my porch. My favorite part was the stuffed bunny, frog, and duck having a tea party on an old suitcase. This was funny! I continued looking and found a broken iron, toaster, VCR, water heater, a chair with an old boot, a poster with a goat on it, and many other gems of other peoples lives which had been cast aside.

I first thought it was my friend who helped me move. When I thought further, these friends wouldn't have done it. They were already out moving me the night before into the early morning hours and were just as tired of moving stuff as I was. At first it was funny, but then that changed. I was going to have to move all of the junk off my porch. I had already moved so much! The thought of moving anything extra was painful and mean!!!! This was mean. I called another friend to help me get rid of it. As she arrived we found a matching chair on the street outside my house. So I have a new theory. There were two guys moving out of my building Sunday. I helped one of them, sort of, holding the door or whatever. My new guess is that it was them. But that also doesn't make sense. I have a really hard time picturing anyone who'd been moving all day setting up a tea party with stuffed animals for people they don't know. At the same time, maybe they are far more clever and were able to have a lame final hoorah on their labor day weekend.

So I don't know what to think. But I'm back to thinking that it was kind of funny. I can appreciate harmless pranks, although quite annoying. I'm glad I have this picture to remember it. I hope it's not some kind of freak stalker new neighbor.

my own mental status exam

I'm a little stressed this week. I'm moving. I can't wait, but I'm a tad stressed. Last night I got home and realized I had successfully avoided, yet again, doing anything productive to prepare for my move. I had that oh-so familiar queasy feeling in my stomach. The one that usually comes around every mid-terms and finals season, when I have a 25 page paper due in 3 days and I've only done some basic research. I can usually bank on two long nights, but always squeaking out that last page, getting it in right on time. This is what I keep telling myself, "It will all work out. It always does."

But I still get stressed. Signs that I'm stressed: my leg is bouncing as I sit in my office chair (not a usual thing for me), I just want to eat, I start to freak out about anything and all things. This one is actually quite humorous because it's so unnecessary, yet incredibly real!

Things I'm freaked out about because I'm stressed:

1. I had a break light out and was SURE the popo's would find me, finally ask me for my license, realize I'm licensed in another state, car's registered in another state, they'd impound my car, take my license and I'd end up owing thousands of dollars for whatever reason to whatever Massachusetts agency.

2. I've gained weight. Like not really, not on a scale, but I haven't been running like I used to and haven't been swimming lately and I feel gross. I then start to notice all kinds of unsettling things like the fact that I've gained weight, but not really.

3. I kinda like this boy. That's all I have to say about that. BUT I will say, it's fun to be a little bit giddy. I hope that giddy feeling lasts. In order to make it last I must NEVER talk to him, thus avoiding the opportunity for him to ruin my giddy feeling.

4. Summer's coming to a close and soon it'll be really really really cold. I should have done something more with my summer. Stupid real job.

5. I'm afraid my car's going to break down. There is no reason for this, just an impending feeling of doom and dread.

I hope this move goes smoothly. All these things will take care of themselves. I realize they are not rational thoughts (thanks CBT) but they're there. As far as my mental status goes, I'd say increased anxiety, thought process jumbled at best, oriented x 3, still presents well-kempt appropriately dressed, hygiene intact.

Tears of Joy?

I had a conversation with my father recently. Both of us are in the mental health field and we often talk about human behavior and thought processes. We were discussing crying. My father said that sometimes you hear people talk about tears of joy, but that there really was no such thing. All tears are a result of some kind of sadness or loss. I disagreed with him and so we discussed. At the end of our discussion I could see his argument. Very often our tears are linked to a loss or sadness although we may be happy for someone else.

BUT I still have one holdout. Sporting events--mostly the Olympics. I have cried before watching the Olympics. I remember a few tears of JOY dropping when Kerri Strug nailed her landing in the 96 games. It was amazing! I remember a few tears of JOY dropping when Brandi Chastain scored the final goal in the shoot out winning the women's world cup in 1999. I'm not sure what those tears are about but I can't find a sadness. I think it's recognizing the pain and the work and the dedication and then the final payout...AHHH, I get goose bumps just thinking about it!!

It leads me to this. Michael Phelps. I watched every single event. I was a competitive swimmer for many years and to watch this man swim gave me chills!! CHILLS!! The team unity and support of Lezak, Piersol, and everyone else just supporting him and watching him dominate and do so much for the sport is incredible. This article articulates it perfectly. I get chills again reading it and the tears come to my eyes.

So what about that? Is that sadness Pop? What do you guys think?

Ushering in my 29th year...

We ventured on a Boston Harbor Cruise featuring the ultimate Guns and Roses cover band: APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION!!!!Only those brave enough made the trip and the true rockers surfaced.
Peggy and I
My co-worker also celebrated her boyfriends birthday on board with their friends. It was a huge bash and a night to remember!
There was much dancing and working the wind!
The crowd was tough but we were tougher. Maintaining the whole evening alcohol free when your feet were being sloshed and the air stale!
The true, the proud, the beautiful in our Paradise City, on a boat smaller than you'd think!

I usually hate this stuff

but i'm learning to stop hating. I actually found this stupid quiz fun to do. Granted I'm at work and just had it out with a client, but I like my result. (because I like the description. I was hoping for Bell). I guess that explains a bit of why Ariel always annoyed me. Stubborn. Takes forever to learn the same lessons.


You Are Ariel!

Headstrong and fiesty. You have a mind of your own that's full of romantic dreams about the world around you. Exploring exotic places is your ultimate dream, and although you can be a little naive you'll realize that there is something to be gained from your family's wisdom.

Which Disney Princess Are You?


and yes I did link to the quiz from the ssbblog. I did look at it today.

Anger

I was looking at a book recently prepping for my Understanding Anger group when I came across something very interesting. For the clients in my group there seems to be a two way split. There are those who get angry and explode and then there are those that avoid anger at all costs, and if they do get angry stuff it. Stuffing an emotion can be done both consciously and unconsciously. This book I was looking at had a whole chapter dedicated to "the stuffer."

Sometimes I find that people confuse the emotion of anger to reactions made in anger and believe it's interchangeable. Here are some ditty's I found interesting from this chapter:

1. the stuffer doesn't offer much in the way of intellectual stimulation because he's wary of conflict and won't risk angering you by expressing opinions and/or ideas that differ much from your own. I think this is quite unfortunate. I love a good debate.

2. Some stuffers are not so much "nice" as they are cool. Nothing ever fazes them. they give the impression of being in complete control of themselves in any and all situations. Cool stuffers are sometimes admired, sometimes envied. I think my clients would say this is me.

AND MY FAVORITE

3. Stuffers sometimes, though of course not always, run to fat. It's almost as though stuffing food helps them keep their anger stuffed.

To this I would argue that people often use fat or food to stuff unpleasant emotions not just anger. Disappointment, sadness, loneliness, feeling unfulfilled...I think some people find food to be a way to somehow fill a void. Seeking the comfort and reliability of food to fill. But then sometimes even food doesn't satisfy and they continue to eat and eat. I think there's some truth to that.

I'd also like to point out that there are things besides food that people turn to. I'd argue exercise is also something some people use to satisfy the unsatisfied. Shopping or buying could also be used.

I remember a few years ago and article in the Ensign magazine that was called filling the void. It was short but very interesting. I really related to it because the author was talking about filling the void with music. I think I do all these things at different times. There are times the music can't be loud enough, or I can't run far enough, I just want to eat. I also believe that that's ok.

The Coop

Yesterday I was on my way to the Border Cafe in Harvard Square to meet some friends for dinner. I arrived about 30 minutes early and decided I would take the opportunity to check out some new reading material at the Coop. If you have been to the Coop you know what it looks like. If you have not, I'll describe it briefly. It's a jam packed bookstore. There are shelves everywhere with all kinds of subject matter and all kinds of people. The shelves are placed close together and there is usually one chair at the end of each book case. It's tight quarters; that's all I'm saying. Yesterday was no exception.

I like to spend some time looking at some of the newly released paperbacks. I'm always fascinated at what can be marketed as non-fiction. I understand how it's done, but I find it interesting how people don't think about it and just take it as fact. That's another tangent for another day. There is a section of the bookstore where the staff recommendations are set aside. This area usually has one or two interesting selections highlighted.

Yesterday there was a book of compiled essays of revolution and other inspirational paradigm shifting thoughts. I was leaning up against the book case looking at the contents of the book. There was a woman about four feet away from me sitting in a chair. As I looked at the contents I remembered that I needed to send a text to a friend of mine changing the time of our meeting. So I took out my phone and sent the text. As I put my phone away I noticed the woman in the chair. She was standing up staring at me with very paranoid eyes (if you know paranoid people you know paranoid eyes). She turns to me and says, "Did you just take a picture of me?" I just looked back at her and said, "excuse me?" I was thinking--are you serious? She repeated the question and I told her no. I told her I sent a text to a friend of mine. She then proceeded to tell me that I was standing way too close to her and my phone was open directly in her direction. I think I was smiling (probably--a problem of mine when I find myself in situations like this). She looked at me angrily and told me that people had taken her picture before. She then backed away from me staring me down.

It was a memorable moment.

a good reminder

On a recent visit home, my sister-in-law shared a blog with me (I used to have the blog linked but then I noticed today that she's had a bunch of angry hate comments from "anonymous" people and I don't want to feel responsible for the ignorant irate). I love satire. I love when someone is able to express a thought or idea so well through writing that it makes me excited. I love how this person has created a blog that perfectly mocks one ridiculous aspect of our culture. The best thing about satire and things like this is that it makes people think. Well, it makes me think. I hope it would make more than just me think.

Upon reading this blog my immediate reaction is that it's so witty and humorous. My reaction about 30 seconds after my immediate reaction is, "oh my gosh, I hope I'm not like that." About 2 minutes after that I recognize that there are a few who are really like that, and that this is a dramatic compilation of anything and everything that's annoying about Mormon culture blogs. Then I had to do an honest assessment and find my score on the Scale of Stupidness (as I like to call it). I wish there were a mathematical equation to find out an actual score, but I don't know how to do that really. I just like to make stuff up.

But what's good about this is that there are a few things that have been annoying me about my blog for the last several months but I haven't done anything about it.

1. I hate writing about blogging.
2. I know I've gotten into a terrible habit of excessive use of exclamation points. It really drives me crazy. I'm also guilty of adding emphasis in cheap ways. By cheap I mean that it's really a whorish way of writing. Good writing doesn't need all capital letters, millions of exclamation points, or fluffy filler words. Good writing is concise and powerful because of how it is written.
3. I was an English major for my undergrad studies and I love writing. It takes me a while to say what I want to say, I stew over word choice and punctuation, and I like writing about things that are worth writing about. I miss having things that I find worth writing about. Also, I wish I could spell, knew better grammar, and could write with that kind of power I alluded to in number two.

Now I'm excited. I miss being able to write. I'm going to try again.

Titanic

No, it's not 1997. Remember when The Titanic was the biggest movie EVER? Everyone was talking about it, there was all the controversy about the nudity, and Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't on Growing Pains anymore?!?! I remember everyone carrying on about that movie forever!!!! Well, I never watched it. It's not like I sat down and refused to watch it. I just never did. It was two VHS tapes and freaking LONG!!! I was sure that it was good, but I also knew that it was about a huge tragedy and chances are, even with a new movie to highlight the event, people would still die in this version. I also have a really hard time with ship sinking, people drowning movies.

For example, it's New Years Eve, 1989 (probably) I'm in 4th grade. My father decided to rent Poseidon Adventure to accompany our supply of soda and peanut butter M&M's. I could hardly stand this movie. I STILL have nightmares which involve a HUGE wall of water moving towards me, wiping out everything. Where did I see that? Poseidon Adventure. At one point I remember I was sitting on the top of the back of the couch and my brothers teasing me, "Linda, are you trying to get out of the water?!?!" I was freaked out!! I don't like watching people drown and die. This experience may have contributed to my not rushing out to see the Titanic.

I graduated high school in '97 and went away to college and this movie was such a big deal. I think after a while it became kind of fun for me to tell people when they were talking about it, that I hadn't seen the film and couldn't really participate in their discussion. A few months ago I noticed that the movie was on TV. I was working and had nothing else to do and I watched like 20 minutes of it. All I saw was Leo handcuffed to a beam and water rising, then Kate Winslet finds an axe and miraculously hacks perfectly to cut him free and then they try to get up on deck. I still didn't think I was missing anything.

Last Saturday I was working again. One of the new girls wasn't able to go on a visit with her family and Titanic was her favorite movie. At 6:00 we started watching Titanic. I warned her and the others in the room that I hadn't seen this--scoffs and bafflement followed for a few minutes--then I told them I was excited to see it, AND that I'd try to control myself and not freak out. I told them before hand that I have severe issues with drowning, blatant disregard for human life, and cocky wealthy people who think they rule the world at the expense of others.

At 9:30ish we finished, I think. I had to flee the room once, when they were shutting the emergency doors and people were still stuck in the boiler room to drown. I have a hard time with that. There were a few times when I had to apologize because I was pointing out some things that didn't make sense (can't remember what that was now), and when I was yelling about people making stupid decisions when their education and intuition know better. That whole Titanic sinking thing could've been avoided. And I LOVED when they showed the frozen baby and kid screaming in the hallway, and the mom singing her kids to sleep with the water rising. That stuff was awesome!

Overall though, I actually really liked it. I realize it's a cheesy love story and I could've done without the old lady throwing the diamond in the ocean-the batty old hag. But seriously, I liked it. I really liked the characters and the filming itself was pretty cool. AND I liked that somehow I made it out without having that Celine Dion song stuck in my head!!! (I've had that Air song stuck in my head all weekend-Celine couldn't even trump that) I doubt I'll ever sit through it again, but I'm glad I've seen it. I thought it was good.

Now I'm wondering what other movie can replace Titanic for being an epic film that everyone loves, everyone should see, everyone knows it, but I don't? hmm, Schindler's List?

it must be told!

Last week there seemed to be extra amounts of traffic everywhere I went. At some points it seemed to be like a third world country. On the news I heard about extreme accidents and things that made transportation difficult for many. No matter where I turned there were three times as many cars or people as there normally would be. I'm not sure what's been going on-why that is-but I've learned to relax a little. I've also been reminded that I've been carrying my camera in my bag and I should take advantage of this.

So one morning last week there was a huge fire in Boston. An old restaurant that's been around since Paul Revere made his famous ride burnt to a crisp one evening and as a result a major exit was blocked getting into the city. I didn't know any of this as I started out on my commute. I realized something was terribly wrong when it took me 15 minutes to merge onto the freeway. This is where my funny story begins. As I enter the freeway I do some fancy maneuvering and try to get into the lane that looks like it's moving the fastest. As I do so I notice a little red car moving toward the right shoulder with it's front left tire completely flat. I look at the poor soul and thought to myself, "man, that sucks!" I've always been really empathetic. I was grateful that it wasn't me. I could already tell it was going to be a rough morning and to have something else on top of that--it's uncalled for. 45 minutes later I have gone maybe a mile and I notice the same little red car on the shoulder where I have finally arrived and the driver was now changing his tire. I looked, confused at the time/distance and all the work I'd been doing to get to where I was and how this man was just as far as I was WITH his flat tire. He was now just loosening the bolts. I drove on thinking that the man was probably wise and took advantage of the opportunity to drive on the shoulder for a while and pass a ton of cars.

So I drive on. Another 40 minutes or so go by and I'm now another mile or so up the road. At this point, I'd already called in late to work, called several friends to see if they want to go to breakfast and I'd exit the freeway and just get to work when I got there. No one could meet me which was probably a good thing. I called my dad and we talked for a while. As I was talking to my dad something amazing happened! Sweet mother of mystery!!!! The little red car appeared in the lane next to me!!! I KNOW!!!! I've been sitting on the freeway for nearly two hours and i have not gone very far. This man was able to pull off the road, change his friggin tire, and now he was in a lane that was actually passing me. My dad told me I should probably get behind him and follow his maneuvering through traffic.

I was laughing out loud at the slap in the face that this was to me. Then I remembered I had my camera!!! By now I was in a good lane that was going to pass up all the traffic and he was further right. So I did my best. It was right as I was entering the tunnel so I had to act quickly and all good opportunities were lost earlier. But here is his. The stupid red car that pretty much mocked me and the other fools around me. I'm still puzzled by the whole thing.

Hawaii--photo documentation

It has been requested that I post some photo's of my trip to Hawaii here on my blog. So I will oblige and offer brief descriptions. Let me begin by saying it was such an awesome trip. I went for a wedding. My good friend Suzy was marrying a friend of ours, Stu, hence Stuzy '08. I met up with my good friend M.E. and we enjoyed a lot of sun. We stayed in Waikiki, one of the top tourist spots in the world. It was an adventure for sure!! This is the first night I arrived. It was a beautiful sunset in Waikiki with local singers and dancers entertaining the tourists.
M.E. and I needed some documentation that we were, in fact, there. We couldn't have been happier.
The first morning, after the first sunset, we woke up and went to the beach. M.E. went surfing and I lazied on the beach to my hearts content. Here I wanted documentation that I was there. There was a funeral that morning for a local man who'd lived his whole life in Waikiki. The boat you see is carrying most of the funeral procession out to sea where I believe they were dumping his ashes. There had already been a caravan of Hawaiian canoe-type things leading the way with many attractive native Hawaiians. After the funeral they all stayed to surf.
One of my only touristy things I did was go to Pearl Harbor on Sunday afternoon. I love stuff like this. They had a really nice visitors center and free video and tour. It was really informative and then we got on a boat that took us out the memorial for the U.S.S. Arizona that is still visible just below the surface of the water. Pieces of the ship still stick out above the water. Thousands of men are entombed within the ship. Such a tragedy.
This is the inside of the memorial. It was completely quiet and incredibly windy (I was wearing a skirt). I really loved being able to learn a bit more about what happened there.
So like I said, we came for the wedding. This is the beautiful Laie Temple. We also drove through the BYU campus.
Stuzy
M.E. Sarah and I having our own photo session after the sealing.
This is us waiting outside the temple. It was such a perfect day!
We took tons of pictures of us while we waited. I found this flower on the ground (because you can't pick flowers at the temple, but if they fall, help yourself).

Here are some of my favorite scenes. We drove the the eastern coast one evening at it was so beautiful!!
We decided we had to come back to this beach in the morning because it was so perfect!!
Doesn't this remind you of Goonies? or Lost?
or the Lady in White?
Back in Waikiki. I was there.

Work Post ~ brought to you by Almond Joy

I have many stories and many pictures, many things that I hope to post eventually. The problem is that most of the time I'm at a computer at work and I don't have my pictures here, and more often than not, I left my creativity and patience at home too. (that or I lost it already today)

But today I was sitting at my desk--I still am-- and I had a mini Almond Joy sitting near me. I decided to eat it (shocker) and was reflecting on the goodness that is Almond Joy. I used to HATE Almond Joy and Mounds. I hated coconut as a child and I thought anything with any coconut was disgusting!! I'm happy to report that I really like it now. I guess I should say that there are conditions: I don't like cooked coconut or really overpowering coconut drinks. I'd just rather have something else. But this brings me to a new bulleted list...

Food Linda Hated in Childhood, but Now Enjoys:

*Almond Joy

*Lasagna

*onions
*cheeseburgers

*salad

*fish

*dark chocolate

* hots (red pepper, hot peppers, anything that allows for spice, heat or flavor)

*tomatoes

Food Linda Liked in Childhood but Now DETESTS (a little strong-prefers not to have):

*pastries (of any kind)

*donuts (is that considered a pastry?)

*cookie crisp cereal

*ramen noodles--except for Wagamama

*string cheese

*spaghetti

*pasta in general (besides lasagna)

I'll have to keep adding as things come to me. I wish that both lists were longer. I'm still thinking...

I guess I should apologize

...but I won't. I've been busy. I went to Hawaii!!!! and I work a LOT. And work has been crazy. It's been a rough couple of weeks at work, but overall, things are going well. In fact, I think some of my not-posting is a result of not much happening. I've got nothing BUT:

* I'm tearing up right now watching LOST because Jin just blew up on the freighter. It's really dramatic.

* I bought tickets to a small concert for the Submarines yesterday, but then found out they didn't go on stage until 11:30pm. I opted to stay home and go to bed.

* I'm not crazy about the new Death Cab single they're playing on the radio which is disappointing.

* I don't like REM. I think I liked them ok in middle/high school, but if you want to make a comeback you have to somehow impress. I'm not impressed. It's boring. Wahh Wahh Wahh is what he sounds like.

* I still love Red Hot Chili Peppers. That's good.

* I got in another fender bender a few months ago which was a HUGE downer.

* I LOVE So You Think You Can Dance!!!

* I think I need to quit my job. soon.

* I am always happy when I'm near a beach. I think I should go closer to one.

* I recently joined Netflix and I've been on an Alfred Hitchcock kick. Good stuff! But I actually joined for the purpose of getting the first disc of Scooby Doo Where are you? and HeMan. We were having a cereal and Saturday morning cartoons gathering. Brilliant.

*I've been watching WAY too much TV lately. I think it's a direct result of work stress. But realization is the first step to positive change (sometimes). So tomorrow I pledge to start my healthy lifestyle again.

* I just saw an ad for "I survived a Japanese Game show" I think our society has hit a HUGE low. It's really depressing. But that could be a funny show.

* I love it when I laugh so hard I cry. It doesn't happen too often. But a few weeks ago I was telling some friends a story about the time I left a note on a boy's car. It was such a pathetic story--all details--that I could hardly speak and tears were flowing.

* speaking of talking to this group of friends, they've all recently moved. I'm not joking when I say that the people I've spent most of my time with over the last year and a half have ALL relocated to LA. Is that place really that magical? Why is EVERYONE going there? But I am a sheep...perhaps I will follow. (I'm NOT a sheep).

*I went to Rockport on Memorial Day. It's a small New England town north of Boston. It was such a great day. We went for the lobster. We found a little seafood shack-type place in between fancy boutiques and each bought a HUGE steamed lobster. My lobster was steaming, tossed in a paper plate/bowl thing and came with a side of melted butter. It was DIVINE!! I'm going again.

*every morning when I drive to work I listen to the same radio morning show. Each morning I get to hear them pose a question and survey people. It's really funny and something I look forward to everyday. Today they shared the story of a Canadian couple who decided they didn't want their new baby and tried to sell in on Craigslist. The question was: should you be able to sell your baby on Craigslist? So entertaining!!!!!

As you can tell, I could go on forever. and I'm still watching LOST. So I'll stop here but say that I hope to blog again. AND I'll share pictures. There are a lot of pictures to share: Hawaii, Earthfest, Rockport, the Arboretum, and just lots of random stuff. and if you're not interested--too bad.

Final Lent Confessions

So, like I confessed earlier, I have a difficult time following through with things. I still owe three confessions.

1. I'm not doing that 1/2 marathon. It was fun for the day I considered it. I've now come to the same realization I've always had prior to deciding to do that--I feel no need to run 13 miles EVER. I respect all people who want to set goals like that. I just don't think it would do anything for me. I run just about every day and I'm good with going anywhere between 3-6 miles. I'm totally satisfied. Thank you.

2. I bought a plane ticket to Hawaii recently. I have a friend getting married there and I've never been, and I found a really good deal. I am, however, wondering if it was such a great idea. (Don't get me wrong, I'm going and it'll be awesome) I am trying to do a better job of living within my means. This doesn't exactly help me with that goal. So I confess (mom) I shouldn't have, but hey, this is another great learning opportunity. So I'm not going to worry about it but enjoy this mistake...just like those boots a few months ago.

3. I get really grumpy when I don't swim for a while. A lot of people who know me well, when they notice I'm freaking out about something or getting too irritable, will ask me if I've been swimming lately. Usually when this happens I'll all-of-a-sudden get it, and then I'll go swimming and everything will fall into place. (like it always does--and probably would even if I didn't go swim, but swimming makes me feel good)

I want to go to France

I've had this stuck in my head for two days. The funny thing is that I don't mind. I've LOVED having this stuck in my head. Everything's a little more funny and I want to do the shuffle everytime I enter a room, dressed in flashy bright colors, dressed to the nines.

Faux de fa fa!! fa fa!!

Lent Confessions 3/18 and 3/19

* I've been half way through Crime and Punishment for about 5 years. I'm not proud of this because I really like the book!! I remember exactly where I am and what's been happening. Whenever I go home I'll read a few more pages, but usually when I go home (this is at my parents house, the book is on a shelf in my room there) there is always so many other things to do than to sit a read. I'm usually only home for a few days. I think I need to get a copy and finish it. It's an awesome book!

* I love to sing. I wish I had an amazing voice but it's pretty weak. I can read music and I have a very sensitive ear, but I've never learned to have a strong voice. When I was younger I remember dancing around my living room listening to our record of Broadway's Annie. I would even act it out. My favorite number, if you will, was "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile." I remember pretending I was on stage performing for a huge crowd. I wanted to grow up and be a singer. I don't think I've grown out of that either. I still love to blare my music and sing-a-long. I'm a sucker for karaoke--it's my only chance to perform. For that small moment I can be a rockstar--like I was meant to be.

Confession 3/17

Today is St. Patricks day. What better way for me to pay tribute than to post my favorite picture of me and my parents in Boston...my mom is wearing an incredible green shirt!! Nah, that's just dumb, but I wanted to post about my parents. Last Saturday, the 15th, was their wedding anniversary. They've been married for 34 years. So how will this tribute fit in with a confession? Easy, I called them on Saturday, not to wish them a happy anniversary, but to complain about something lame...again. I am such a brat and my parents are such amazingly GOOD people. I confess I love my parents and am in awe of them. I can be very stubborn and proud, but they always remind me of what's important.

My parents would do ANYTHING for their children. They have done everything they could to give us opportunities and to lighten the loads and burdens we carry. I say we and us meaning my brothers and sisters and myself. But I suppose it will be easier for me to just talk for myself. I wouldn't be who or what I am today without their examples of faith, love, and sacrifice.

*Both of my parents are amazing examples of magnifying their church responsibilities. They have always served in whatever capacity they have been asked without complaint or hint of a murmur.
*Whenever I call them in despair about some lame aspect of my life they listen and love me no matter how flippant and rude I can be in return.
*I get chills thinking about all the things my parents have gone without just to provide better things for their children--college expenses, cars, houses, opportunities for travel and other forms of exploration.
*They have their priorities where they should be. I wish I could learn that from them, this idea of always knowing what comes first and not compromising on what is so important--even if it's less popular.
*They're absolutely selfless.

Mostly, I think of my parents and how they share what they know to be true. I am so grateful that they know God and Jesus Christ and have helped me learn about them and know them also. Our family has had challenges--some seem small compared to what others have to go through--but I really do believe it has been my parents faith and dedication to living righteous lives that have made our family so strong and come through our challenges. My parents taught us to love one another. I feel so supported by them and all my brothers and sisters. We don't fight-we discuss and most of the time end up laughing. I thought all families were like mine pretty much until I moved away from home and realized just how special my family is. I'm just so grateful.

I confess...

3/14 I've been a swimmer since I was a wee girl. In high school I was competing a lot in summer and winter. I became accustomed to shaving very often. I know some swimmers grow it out to help create drag, but I've never been one of those crazy people. I like my legs bic'd. When I moved away to college I wasn't swimming as regularly. When cooler weather rolled around I remember thinking, "huh! I don't have to shave!" Not true, Not true!! I soon discovered that I cannot sleep at night if my legs are prickly. My roommates soon learned that sometimes I'll just have to take a shower at 2 am if I want to sleep. I have come a long way though. Sometimes I can go three days and still be OK. After 4 I can become desperate. I have also learned that sometimes when I get stressed with work or whatever--my life--my nighttime shaving rituals can help me de-stress and I feel more refreshed, even clear. And yes, it's 2am.

3/15 When I was in middle school I would write stories. Well, maybe I should say I'd start writing stories. I'm not sure if any were ever finished, but I had a few. I read a lot and I remember thinking I'd like to write stories. I don't remember any of the stories now, but I just know I had notebooks filled with junk. I also remember my sister Sarah, using one of my stories for an English assignment. I'm sure she jazzed it up and made it work for her assignment (pretty sure this was when she was in high school--Mr Simmers Sarah?) I think it was a story about a girl named Shannon who was going to a party. I'm pretty impressed that I remember this. It just came to me today. There is a chance those notebooks are at home in box...perhaps where they should stay. Gosh I hope those stories never surface!

3/16 The reason I thought of those stories was because I was having some trouble sleeping--2 am, legs now smooth--and I've been wondering if perhaps I should choose another career. I've become a little overwhelmed lately with my clients and so I was laying awake wondering what other jobs I would like to do. That brought me back to my dream career of childhood. I also need to recognize that It's really late, I've now worked 14 days in a row for at least 8 hours a day--some longer, and I'm DONE!! It's exhausting. (Ironically, Amy Winehouse's Rehab just started playing...seriously I cannot get away from my work!! OK, I just put on America.) I do really love the field I am in. I need to find some new outlets, new supports if you will. Lately I've been working a lot, it's intense, and when I get home it all just sits in my head. I'm carrying it and I've always been able to leave it, so something has changed and it needs to change back!! No worries people, I'm on it. Just as soon as I can get my mind to relax long enough to fall asleep.

Lent Confessions 3/11, 3/12, 3/13 and I'm up to date

* I got an honorable mention in a high school art show. I loved my 3-D design class and got to work with paper, wire, clay, plaster, abstract whatever...it was such a great class. I had 3 things entered in the art show: a really cool coil pot, one that I threw on a wheel, and then this really funky head made out of paper. I got the honorable mention for the paper head. It had different faces all over it-from whatever angle you could see. I really loved it but was surprised it got the honorable mention (I thought the coil pot would do better) because the base was also made out of paper and I had to do that really quickly. It was very unsteady (top-heavy) and kept falling over. Maybe they propped it up on something. But yeah, I confess I love doing this kind of art.

* I once dyed my hair dark brown. This stemmed from a moment of anger as I sat in a classroom at UVSC and realized that everyone looked the same. I hated this moment. I always had a hard time fitting in out there and felt like I had to do something to "bust out". (see previous post here) The following weekend, Summer at Shep Studio (greatest place in P-town), dyed my hair dark. I loved it! My eyes looked really striking, at the same time every time I passed a mirror I was startled. I felt like I was in a disguise and should be wearing a trench coat and dark sunglasses sitting in a park reading a newspaper waiting for a bag-drop. My mother was horrified and kept telling me that others dye their hair to look like mine (oh, you mean like all the people in that classroom?) So I promised her I wouldn't do it again--for a while. It faded after a few months--I mean, I am a natural blonde.

* I used to say things, by that I mean lie, and it's almost like I couldn't stop it. The words would come out of my mouth, I'd realize it wasn't true, but it was too late. Then it was always really embarrassing to say, "oh yeah, none of what I just said is true by the way." This was very rare, and always about something totally unnecessary and stupid. For example, (this is for you Alison), once I went out to dinner with my friends Jake and Alison. We went to the Pie near the U of U--LOVE that place!!! We were talking about working at pizza places. Before I knew it I had created a story about working at a place called Joes Pizza and I had created a bunch of really lame details. What's funny about this is that I was rolling my eyes at myself as the lies were flowing from my mouth. It wasn't even a cool story!!!! It was annoying. So I guess I could add now, that I can't remember a time since then...and that was years ago. Maybe I grew out of it. I was so annoyed by the lameness of my lie that It never happens now. I don't think.

Now I'm really stuck on this lying thing. I've always been a terrible liar! I hated it when this happened. I learned early on that if I lie, I get caught, I feel stupid. This was NOT something that I thought was funny or cute. When these situations would occur I would feel SO SO SO stupid for DAYS after. I'm not kidding. Believe me when I say I cannot lie. Even if you don't know me, you'll know I'm lying. It's that bad.

two true stories

when I was a freshman in high school I was leaving the cafeteria on my way to gym. The halls were always crowded and I was trying to avoid the masses of people. I was hurrying to the locker room when I didn't notice something everyone else was avoiding. Before I realized what happened I was on the ground. I jumped up pretty quickly, still confused. Then I noticed what happened. I had slipped on some throw-up right in front of the doorway to the bathroom. I fled inside immediately, completely embarrassed. I remember Colleen Kelly and Joyce Detrich following me in to make sure I was ok. Colleen was telling me to just go home, I got the rest of the day off. I washed my flip-flops in the bathroom sink and cleaned off my shorts and then I went to class late. Little did I realize that Stas Katula was right next to me when it happened and he had immediately gone into his senior government class which had my older brother Chris and all his friends. Stas reported what happened and the whole school knew, it seemed, before I even got out of the bathroom. While i waited for my ride home at the end of the day, I was shocked with how many people walked down the huge Y stairs and came over to me. Some were laughing as they asked if I was ok, others were just complementing the fact that I was still in school. Then Chris and Dave came down those stairs, looked at me, shook their heads, then asked "did that really happen?" yes. yes it did. and yes, i probably should've gone home.

when I was a freshman in high school there was a senior who had a crush on me. Eric Jankoviak. Eric Jankoviak was a big guy. Probably 6'5" 220 at least, but he wasn't an athlete. He dressed in 70's leisure suits with huge collars that he left open so you could see his stylin' chains and chest hair. His shoes were AMAZING! He also had flowing feathered hair that bounced in the breeze as he walked swiftly down the hallway. I still remember seeing him flying towards me, hair blowing freely like wings, and me ducking into the nearest room. I thought he was an interesting guy, but I didn't want to go out with him (nor was I allowed to if I wanted to. no dating until I was 16). I still remember that horrifying conversation when I had to make that really clear. I felt kind of bad. Not my type, but what a unique character!! I heard that at his prom he had a spot light on him when the YMCA came on. These were the guys who liked me in high school.

Sunday Catch-up

So I've fallen behind in my confessions. I think I owe at least three...y'all have no idea how hard this is. I've started so many confessions and then had to stop because they were way too personal, and although I'm calling these confessions, I am not Catholic and I do not wish to expose anything too personal or damaging. I'm also on a time crunch today and I have to be at work in 20 minutes...so I can't think to hard about these. This is good. Shallow and harmless--here we go.

* When I brush my teeth at night I often let all the foam just drip down my chin so I look much like a rabid animal. When it builds up more I'll lean over the sink so that it'll just go right down the drain. Spitting is not necessary--maybe once or twice.

* I'm always on time. I'm usually the one who has to wait for everyone else. Sometimes I'll even try to be late. I'm usually still there before everyone else. It's actually really annoying. Not that everyone's late, but that I can never be.

* I have a secret, a guilty pleasure if you will, that I don't tell too many people. I love Nine Inch Nails first album, Pretty Hate Machine. Trent has always been a little disturbing, but this is before he got really disturbing. I guess the reason I don't think this is a good thing is because it's really NOT "virtuous, lovely, or of good report" and I'm trying to cut those things out. I don't have room in my life for anything that's going to fill me with anything dark or loathsome. But you know how sometimes you just want to go dark and loathsome? or maybe that's just me.

my first secretive confession...unless you already knew

This is a very personal confession. My favorite feature on guys consists of the shoulder upper back combo. Not only is it hard to describe, but I couldn't find good pictures to illustrate what I'm talking about either. So I'll try to describe with the less-than-ideal pictures I could find... This here is Roger Federer--he's graced the blog a few times--and he's a great example of what I'm talking about. Have you ever noticed the way the t-shirt hangs on an athletes shoulders? Tennis and soccer players are excellent examples because they usually have a lot of lean muscle mass and the shirt just hangs perfectly.
This is not such a great example but it's the closest to the back as I could find. But imagine when his arms are down and you can see the indentations of the muscles in the shoulder and around the blades...there's that space between the blades...it's pretty sexy. that's all I'm saying.
I'm going to have you try to ignore the stomach here (although difficult) it's not what I'm talking about. There's an ok side view of his shoulder blade...not too bad.
No idea who this guy is, but here you can see the the way the shirt bunches in the middle. THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. I love it. I think one reason I find this so attractive is because I've always believed that swimmers have the best bodies, and their shoulders and backs are AMAZING!!!! plus, if your shoulders and back look this good all other muscles are probably pretty proportioned--

legs are the exception and a different story altogether (we all know how tough it is for a guy to have good legs). I'm a sucker for good legs as well. When it comes to legs, I'm a strong believer that it's almost completely up to genetics. You either have the genes for good legs or you don't. We've all seen those guys at the gym spending so much time on their legs but it's not working out for them. This is because of the calves. Good luck guys.

two more

3/3

Yesterday I ate ice cream cake for lunch and that was it. It was really good. It was carvel and had the amazing cookie crumb center thing going on. mmm mm m

3/4

In 5th grade I participated in a HUGE talent show. It was in front of the whole 5th grade. I had a couple friends...I can only remember Heather...who decided to put together a little act. We did a little lip sync and dance to Madonna's "Like a Prayer". It was awesome. We had perfect dance moves...this is also the beginning of my dance crew movement. I am looking to start a new dance crew (what with a talent show coming up and all). I will hold auditions soon, I'll send out a text with a location. get ready for the streets.

Confession: My love affair with music

This is my favorite song right now. I often have people commenting to me about the music I like. Sometimes people seem impressed, like they think I have good taste or I know a lot of music. I love music. I was thinking about this and realized that I go to music at times to "fill me" or something. Like if I'm upset about something my music cannot be loud enough and it addresses my problem perfectly. It's hard to explain, but it's reliable. It's a pretty good replacement for more meaningful relationships. It's pretty safe and doesn't let me down. I have started to think though, that I should take some of the time and money I invest in music and put it towards relationships with people. Like real people...not my imaginary friends who understand so perfectly.

confession 3/1

I watched the Oscars last week. I've never watched the Oscars. It was really really long. Not worth all the hype in my opinion. But one thing I did see that I thought was amazing was Glen and Marketa performing this song live with the orchestra. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I'm glad they won. Other than that, not proud of watching ALL of the Oscars. (I'd link to the Oscars performance but it won't let me...)

Confession 2/29

Sometimes (everything starts with sometimes) I use the groups I get to facilitate for my own purposes. For example, Today. Every Friday I have a group I facilitate called "Dating and Relationships." I know it's funny. When I learned this would be one of my groups I was sure this was the universe's way to mess with me. And congratulations universe, you win!

Back to today. I was talking with some co-workers this morning about how important it is in relationships to actually allow yourself to be vulnerable. This is something I don't think I have EVER done. I just won't go there. I won't lower the defenses long enough to be really vulnerable. I'm permanently in my "safe zone" or at least that's what we're calling it in group. Because, yes I did, I used this idea for my group. It was one of the best groups we've had. Everyone was awake and engaged. We had lists on the board of what the positive results are of allowing yourself to be vulnerable: personal growth, friendships, wisdom, trust, encouragement, love, acceptance. What we fear about being vulnerable: rejection, hurt, disappointment, criticism, feeling unworthy, judged and labeled. Then we talked about how to over come the fear or how some sense of safety is developed...our safe zones...and then when those walls are lowered. It was awesome. Everyone was very enthusiastic about the group and claimed to learn a lot. So perhaps my motivation wasn't entirely selfish because it effects everyone. But then, maybe I'm just selfish.

this is like two confessions, i just realized.