Confession 2/29

Sometimes (everything starts with sometimes) I use the groups I get to facilitate for my own purposes. For example, Today. Every Friday I have a group I facilitate called "Dating and Relationships." I know it's funny. When I learned this would be one of my groups I was sure this was the universe's way to mess with me. And congratulations universe, you win!

Back to today. I was talking with some co-workers this morning about how important it is in relationships to actually allow yourself to be vulnerable. This is something I don't think I have EVER done. I just won't go there. I won't lower the defenses long enough to be really vulnerable. I'm permanently in my "safe zone" or at least that's what we're calling it in group. Because, yes I did, I used this idea for my group. It was one of the best groups we've had. Everyone was awake and engaged. We had lists on the board of what the positive results are of allowing yourself to be vulnerable: personal growth, friendships, wisdom, trust, encouragement, love, acceptance. What we fear about being vulnerable: rejection, hurt, disappointment, criticism, feeling unworthy, judged and labeled. Then we talked about how to over come the fear or how some sense of safety is developed...our safe zones...and then when those walls are lowered. It was awesome. Everyone was very enthusiastic about the group and claimed to learn a lot. So perhaps my motivation wasn't entirely selfish because it effects everyone. But then, maybe I'm just selfish.

this is like two confessions, i just realized.

Confession 2/28

Sometimes I get the sense that people think I'm pretty social. What I find interesting is that sometimes I just want to stay home. I think I've made a lot of progress and now I like these social activities a little more. But still, (I'm going to steal a line from my friend Peg), sometimes I feel like an introvert escapading as an extrovert.

Lent Confession 2/27

My freshman year in high school I was swimming in the biggest meet of the year. I was swimming the 400 free relay. For some reason I wasn't paying attention to how many laps we were swimming (or something...who knows why) and I dove in on Heather Rogers who had only completed her 50. I disqualified the relay. My team was disappointed but not too mean to me. I cried the whole way home.

My Sophomore year in high school I was swimming in the biggest meet of the year. The previous year I had DQ'd an important relay (see story above) and I was being reminded of it by everyone! I starting the back stoke leg of the 200 mixed medley relay, LIKE I ALWAYS DID, but this year I was so afraid of repeating the horrific past. I knew that I just had to do 2 quick laps and i was done...but then the announcer/official guy said that each swimmer will swim 4 laps of the following strokes...then he started the race. So I'm freaking out at this point because what I thought I knew was now derailed. "I'm supposed to do 2, but he said 4, what do I do, what do I do" I kept thinking as I swam. To make a long story short, I DQ'd another relay. And this time everyone was mad at me. Especially Emily Marcheski.

It's frustrating to tell these stories because of how stupid it is or was. It's NOT a difficult thing to know how many laps you're supposed to swim. Especially when you're not new to the sport and you've competed in the same relays for like 8 years (at that time). But I still can't tell you why it was so hard to figure out. Maybe the fact that I always felt nauseous at the smell of chlorine and indoor pools had something to do with it. I was always SO NERVOUS!! Like inconsolably nervous for meets--and I competed for a really long time.

Confession 2/26

I have no idea when Lent ends. These confessions could go on forever. I guess I need to research some of my bright ideas before I just dive right in. (I realize this information is easily obtainable, I just found it really funny)

Confession 2/25

I went to bed really late last night. I watched step up 2 and then danced in my room while I cleared a spot for me on my bed. Some people sing in the shower, I have dance parties of one in my room.

Confession 2/24

I decided that I would train for the Lake Winnipesaukee half marathon coming up this spring. I'm scared to death. I'm not a runner. I'm a swimmer. I often quit things before the idea even gets rolling. So now I've told you all. I will be accountable. Shoot.

Confession 2/23

It has been discovered that if you keep me talking late into the night, at around 2 or 3am I will be sleep deprived and loopy enough to answer anything you ask with shameful honesty. The defenses are down.

Confession 2/22

I desperately seek my family's approval. especially my moms.

Confession 2/21

I used to be afraid to talk to the person at the bowling alley and tell them my shoe size. I was also afraid to call and order pizza. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, but i didn't want to do it. I wish I was still afraid of that one. It's one fear I should not have overcome.

Lent Confession 2/20

When I was in college, sophmore year, I dropped a bowling class because it was at 8am. That same semester I struggled to pass a foods class--I hoped it would be like foods in high school and it was actually a lot harder (missing class dropped me to a C but I got it back up). Same semester I took an intro to guitar class. Upon arriving I learned my professor had a "grade-yourself" philosophy. I got out with an A and could only play a really rough "You Are My Sunshine." My favorite class that semester was volleyball but it was on Friday's at 10 which interfered with our Friday brunch so I tried to skip out and had to convince the woman to give me an A-. And every Wednesday I had snowboarding. That was a great semester!

Confession 2/19

I once left a note on a guys car. I really liked him. That's about as bold as I've ever been (I was 22). I need to be a little more brave.

Confession 2/18 **favorite so far...

When I was in 4th grade I was outside riding my bike with my sister Sarah, my friend Shara and some other street rats. It was a boring Saturday afternoon and we'd already gone around the neighborhood a few times. Our neighborhood was one of those cookie cutter suburban neighborhoods where there were a few model homes and then all the houses in the neighborhood were adaptations of those few models. The neighborhood was still new, it was called Fountain Glen, and I'd been inside some of the model homes with my mom and loved how fancy they all looked with fake food and furniture.

So like I was saying, we had been riding around for a while and boredom was starting to kick in. Somehow we found ourselves on the front lawn of one of the model homes. We chatted a bit in the front yard and thought about how cool it'd be to go play inside. Luckily, someone found an open window on the side of the house. I remember that Shara went first and I was scared to DEATH!! I knew I was NOT supposed to go inside that house. But Shara was fun so I went in after her. We shimmied in the window and onto the floor of the dining room. Shara took off upstairs while I looked around the main floor. I don't think we were in the house for very long when a red truck pulled into the drive way. We freaked out! As fast as we could, we reverse-shimmied back out the window. We slowly walked toward the front of the house (which was stupid-we should have just stayed in the back, I remember thinking that) but the man in the truck had seen us. He came over to greet us not-so-warmly. There we were, straggly haired, probably dressed in hand-me-downs with suspicious scowls on our faces. He pulled out a Polaroid camera and TOOK OUR PICTURE!!! I remember him asking where our parents were (we were smart enough to lie) and then he told us that if anything was missing in the house we'd be in trouble with the police. I think I burst into tears as soon as I was back on my bike. My sister Sarah, two years younger, handled it a lot cooler than I did. Both she and Shara were telling me not to worry about it; that nothing was going to happen. I went straight home, put back on my roller skates and played in the garage where I belonged.

(I still know exactly which house was...it's still there, but not a model...this is like 1987-88ish. This is a very dark spot on my childhood history. But it's to be expected. You already know what kind of role models I sought after (see blog below)).

Lent Confession 2/17

When I was in elementary school, in the harsh neighborhoods just outside D.C., I remember fondly library day. I still remember certain mornings my mother sending me off to school reminding me that today I'd go to the library. I had my purple cloth bag I used as a school bag and off I'd skip to school.

What I don't think my mother ever knew was that I'd often check the same two books out of the library. Both were about the up and coming stardom of two female vocalists: Madonna and Cyndi Lauper.
I remember looking through the many photos mezmerized by the fashion and "beauty" that I was in awe of. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade.

I also recall my first music video EVER in 3rd grade. I was at my friend Lavinia's house (she was Indian) and we were watching MTV. I remember Bon Jovi running across the stage, hair flowing in the wind, holding fast to the microphone stand, singing Living On A Prayer. I still love that song!

Lent Confessional 2/16

I love black jelly beans.

Confession 2/15

MTV's the Real World is a pretty crazy show I hear. I haven't seen it in years. But I do remember watching bits of London and then the one in Paris. All because of this guy: I have a big fat crush on C.T. and have since Paris. He's the actual reason I moved to Boston. And I'm so glad there's another Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet for me to waste away my brain, watching some of my favorite MTV characters...mostly C.T. and Coral. They are why I watch and why I'll continue to watch.

I just love that I don't have to faithfully watch because eventually they'll show the whole thing in marathon fashion and I'll just waste away one afternoon. Thanks to my sick day yesterday, and the lack of creative ideas on MTV I was able to get all caught up!

Confession 2/14

This confession isn't going to be very good but let's see what comes out of my ranting. I was up sick ALL night long. Yes. Gross. Horrible. Exhausting. I decided, however, that I didn't want to take a sick day since I'm taking off Monday. I decided to try to go into work late. PLUS I was supposed to go to the Boston Ballet tonight. They're opening Romeo & Juliet. To make a long story short, I made it to work and fifteen minutes later (ten in the bathroom) was on my way home again. I also called to give up my ticket to the ballet (a tear slowly fell down her face). My confession?

I'm not the superwoman I think I am and sometimes I get sick. I know it's hard to hear, but it's true. Please don't be disappointed in me.

that and my first concert was New Kids On The Block in 4th grade. And HONESTLY, I was never a fan. My friend Valarie just really wanted to go and I really wanted to go to a concert. I remember I wore my Sverige is Fantastik T-shirt and Danny was swinging from the rafters. Really. That's all I remember.

Lent Confession 2/13

sometimes I'll buy a huge bag of trailmix at costco. usually, after about a week or so, I'll end up picking out all the m&m's and raisins. this part makes me happy. then I'm left with a huge boring bag of nuts. what am I supposed to do with that?

Lent Confession 2/12

I used to be jealous of Stephanie on full house. I think it had something to do with her being around my age, I thought her hair was pretty, she was always dressed in 80's galore, and she always got so much attention. I felt a little competitive (back then--not now).

I also felt like Punky Brewster and I were friends. No jealousy there. We had a connection.

Confession 2/11

Sometimes I have to put myself on food logs. I'm not sure why, but sometimes I have very little self-control. I'll eat the whole bag of something or just keep picking in different things until it's time to end the day. At the same time, other days I'll eat very little. The food log is a way to keep me honest. I really DID eat 5 peanut butter cups and that's embarrassing, shaming even. If I have to write it down I'm not going to do it. There will be no evidence of just how bad my eating habits are.

I should probably start another food log today.

Confession 2/10

These confessions are going to be a lot harder than I thought.

my confession for this sunday:

When I was a sophmore in high school I had an English teacher named Mr. Simmers. Every spring he planned a fishing trip at Conowingo Dam. This was a special event because there was a hand full of "cool kids" who loved that Mr. Simmers probably smoked more pot than they did. Each year a group would accompany Mr. Simmers and it became quite memorable. I've never been one who loves fishing. This trip, my sophmore year of high school, was my first fishing trip EVER. My friend Tara was dating some guy--one of the afore-mentioned "cool kids" and so we decided to go along. It was all guys and then Tara and I. We didn't have any gear so our friend Pete Fountain (it's amazing how I remember these details) said we could use his as long as we brought our own bait and hooks and stuff. Tara and I decided to head over to a Woolworths nearby (no longer there...is there a woolworths anywhere?). I remember Tara and I looking in the fishing isle trying to decide what we needed. We kept looking at these fake fish looking things that I guess one would use on their line. Do you know what I'm talking about? They're elasticy, colorful fake fish. And they weren't really cheap. Tara and I were debating about what to do when she just looked at me and said, "put it in your pocket." I just looked at her. What?!?!? She just looked back and shook her head, then she slipped one in my pocket and put some her in pockets as well. I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. We left the store.

I am a shoplifter.

ok, just that one time. never did it again...i don't think. And then Tara and I began the grand tradition of Mr. Simmers fishing trip each spring.

Lent Confessional Catch-up

I like lent. I am not a catholic, but I think it's a neat idea to go without or give something up for these next few weeks. I was talking to some co-workers the other day about what to give up for lent. I was driving home yesterday, crawling along in terrible traffic, when a BRILLIANT idea came to me. I'm sick of blogging. But I like my blog. For Lent I am going to give up a bit of my pride. I am going to humble myself, take a look at the real me, and offer up a confession a day. Posted right here. On my blog.

As I thought about this, I realized that really this may be the reverse of actually humbling myself, because as I thought about my first few confessions I'd post (I'm a few days behind) I realized that although these are often things I keep to myself, they are also things that I kind of like about me. These are the things that make me cute, unique, likeable even. I really do believe it's our nerdiness that ultimately makes us attractive. That and insane amounts of confidence.

THAT BEING SAID:

Confession 2/6

I have been sucked into Veronica Mars on DVD courtesy of my roommate who received season one for Christmas and when I made fun of her challenged me to try to get through the first few episodes and stop. She wins. I also have to give a shout out to Seth, my VM watching confidant. Sorry I outed you. I'm now half way through season two and loving every second of it. Why is this confession worthy? I'd like people to think that I'm not easily sucked into soap opera like teenage dramas. But I must confess: I'm still in high school mentally. Veronica Rules!!

Confession 2/7

I haven't vacuumed my car since July. It's completely disgusting. I'm repulsed by its filth, yet I do nothing. and I am embarrassed when people get inside. If you have been one of my victims, I apologize. I'll clean it. soon.

Confession 2/8

Today I went to blockbuster near my work with a co-worker. I haven't been to a video store in a while. I left with the latest Amanda Bynes movie. Sidney White. It's a redone Snow White type thing. I watched half of it this afternoon. I love this kind of stuff--not all the time, but I do think it's better then--oh I don't know--27 Dresses. It's much better quality. She IS the man.

Confession 2/9

Sometimes I argue just to argue. I could agree with you and still question your perspective just to mess with you. This is mostly done to people who irritate me. They are also usually the types who get all worked up and crazy like if someone disagrees with them.